My BPD hell

[Kid_in_denial]

Diagnosed with BPD about 3 years ago after a long battle with "not feeling like myself" and I am really struggling to stay connected with therapies and medications. Most of the time I feel like I have lived like this for so long that this is the only normal for me. I mean what's a few mood swings and a touch of emotional instability, right?

I ditched a few shitty relationships (surprise surprise) and was happily living my single life - with only a few self sabotaging behaviours and an addiction problem. Addiction to anything I can be addicted to really. And alas, along comes a person who makes the world stop and confesses their growing feelings for me.

At first I was so unsure if I could feel the same. It took months of thinking and no pressure to give in to the idea that romantic feelings could develop. Well I thought I was being mature and was using my brilliant insight to make every tiny decision, until BAM! I let love in. Now I haven't confessed my undying love and I am not chasing them away with my obsessive need to hear them say good morning as soon as I see they are online, but instead I am internalising all of these thoughts and being dumped with them in my lonely hours, trying to sift through what is logical and what is all in my head!

This person has been a close friend for 20 years. There are no surprises when it comes to my mental health. I just can't keep reading internet articles about BPD and relationships. I need to talk to a real person. Someone please connect. xx

[Curleee]

Hiya
I have BPD (and BD and C-PTSD).
Looking back on my life, I can see that the behaviour of "they need to be in my bed now" etc etc, I would say, was linked to not being abandoned. In friendships and relationships, I've learnt that authentic love is much calmer.... when I am manic and in the world of "now, now, now", I can't even assess if they r the one for me (if that makes sense).
You are whole and complete as yourself. Give yourself time to assess..... although, you have known them for 20 years, so there may have been "circling" for a while.... walk slowly into the water

[Upside_down]

Hey kid_in_denial, sorry to hear of your suffering, I hope things are ok with you. I don’t know much about bpd so unfortunately I can’t offer any valuable advice... but I can tell you that I know what it’s like to read article after article online about something, just waiting for the one that will tell you exactly what to do to solve all problems!!!! If only it existed.... 😅

May I ask if there is something in particular that concerns you?

take care, I look forward to hearing from you 🙂

[Kid_in_denial]

I have been walking slowly into the water, unfortunately my heightened emotions are fighting me and forcing me to try to assess and reassess things that I should be letting be. Over thinking is pretty bad when I am trying to just go with the flow. It is also hard to assess whether or not I have really been in a calm state or whether or not I have dissociated due to being in the NSW bush fire zones and then heading into the covid thing. Not sure if the environmental stressors forced me into this emotional state.

My main concern is being able to connect and stay connected with a team of therapists and doctors (who let's say have been bloody hopeless to this point) who can help me keep on top of this so I do not keep ruining relationships. I also have children and the instability of my emotions is concerning when it comes to their upbringing and well-being.

I go through stages where I feel as though I can live like this and I am fine, and then I will have a big crash and feel like I need to get things sorted. It is obviously very conflicting.

Has anyone else been involved for a long time with medical support and not disengaged prematurely?

Thanks to both of you for your responses. Appreciate any human contact and advice right now.