May have Bipolar 2

Guest_9315 · ‎18-06-2020

Greetings and Salutations,

I haven't posted before, however I do find reading other threads helpful, thank you. It encourages me to speak out too.

Please excuse my post if it's all over the place, as I'm not sure where to start. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for!!! I guess, I'm just taking a step to to seek support in more ways than one.

I've recently returned to seeing my psychologist, who believes I may have Bipolar 2. I'm going to continue seeing her on a regular basis (thankfully, it is bulk-billed). I'm also being referred to a psychiatrist - to discuss this further, and may have to go on medication. That scares me --- I'm afraid the medication will make me physically sick. But after speaking to friends and extended family, I'm open to anything at the moment as I feel like I need something to kickstart me into healing properly. I haven't been eating well and have lost a lot of weight. I know all the things I need to do, but I struggle to do them.

What is breaking my heart is that I feel like my husband and children have deserted me, because of my poor mental health. My husband has attempted to support me in his own way. I can imagine he is worried and I can understand he is doing the best he can.

My communication is quite poor and I know I need improvement in this area. I find it hard to speak, so instead I wrote a long letter to my family apologising for my poor mental health, assuring them I am seeking help. The thing is, in the past, I have tried to do this on my own and convince myself I'm okay. Clearly, I'm not. I feel like they've given up on me. Which is also understandable, as I often give up...

Before I 'lose my temper', I feel convinced it is justified. I have reason to get pissed off. I live quite an alternative lifestyle. My said hubby doesn't have a regular job, but rather does what he wants when he wants. I have a business from home that takes up a lot of my time. People around me aren't surprised I've lost my mind living with him. He himself is all over the place, but is convinced he's altogether. So much so, he has convinced our children (and me over and over and over again) that 'there's something not right with Mummy. she needs help'.

I had a serious car accident when I was a toddler, which I have always lived with and presumed was okay with, but now am feeling this trauma has affected me and contributed to my 'mental damage'.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out.

Thank you for taking the time,

x

Guest_9315 · ‎22-06-2020

Thanks for your message, Leisa. I appreciate everything you've said and your support. It means so much to be able to speak openly in a safe space such as BeyondBlue.

I feel in a bit of a daze the past few days. As much as I'm making progress with my psychologist, I am overwhelmed at the whole possibilities. (I've been reading and taking in a lot.)

I am finding it difficult to see how I've previously been in a mania state - because I don't recall myself being exceedingly happy or euphoric. But then again, I'm so dull at the moment, that the fogginess could be making that hard to remember.

I'd say my hypomania state is moreso shown in the form of irritability than it is elevation of mood. I become full-on dedicated to my work and forget about everything else - including eating properly, sleeping properly etcetera. I then get frustrated and irritated at everything else outside of my focus.

My research has brought me to consider how important routine and structure is with a condition such as bipolar II. I recall exploring Ayurveda some years back and it was clear how important routine was to my constitution. When my children were much younger, (3, 2, baby), having a super busy lifestyle, I was super-duper organised and it worked. I functioned. I was happy. I've always been a vision-boarder, goal-setter, list-writer, high-achiever.

But that has all gradually gone to the wayside the past 10 years and I'm now nothing like that. Except every now and then, I do now recall having bursts of this type of behaviour.

I need to bring routine and ritual back into my life, including exercise and good food!

I'm starting small. Making short lists to do a few things I know will make me feel good. Getting out in the gardens....

Thank you again, I will pop in and say hi in 'This Bipolar Life'.

x