losing my mind.

[Jellyfish]

I'm not really sure what's going on in my head or if I have depression. I've always had anxiety and I have a history of self harm and eating issues.

I've recently found it's an effort to breathe, I'm constantly waiting out the day before I can get back into bed, on a general day I'll try to be in bed asleep before 10pm and I wont wake up till mid day. I don't want to leave my room, let alone my house, I find myself avoiding most of my friends and family and when I do go out, I want to be some form of intoxicated so I can block everything out or I hate that I'm out of my comfort zone, aka my bed.
I'm finding it difficult to hold onto a job and I'm failing most things at uni, which is all very unlike me. 
I just feel so alone all the time, like nobody really cares or if they do that they have their own issues to deal with and I don't want to burden them with my crappy, self loathing garbage. I just feel selfish being so low all the time but I don't want to smile anymore and pretend that I'm happy. I'm scared of the thought of depression but I'm also scared I'll never be happy again. 
I don't want to be here anymore and honestly I don't really have anything left. I don't know who to talk to and I'm sick of everything.
I don't want to sleep my life away but I can't breathe without the pressure of the world forcing me to stay in my bed.

[Chris_B]

Hi Jellyfish,

One of the worst things about being caught in the grip of depression is that feeling that we will never get out of it.  From what you describe, it certainly sounds like you need to go and see your doctor: excessive sleep, difficulty concentrating, feeling isolated, and most concerningly your feelings of hopelessness.

With your history of anxiety, self-harm and eating issues, I'm hoping you have a good relationship with your doctor already.  

Please give our support service a call on 1300 22 4636 if you want to talk through any of these issues before making that appointment, as I'm sure you know it can feel daunting to walk through that door at first.

You mention that you don't want to burden people with your issues - this is another common trick that depression plays on our brains.  Who are the closest people to you in your life right now?  They will want to know what's going on for you and if you're not feeling well, so I'd encourage you to reach out to them as well.  

Please let us know how you go.

best
CB

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Online Community Manager

[Beetle]

HI Jellyfish

I like your username!

How u describe you feel I felt before I went to my doc. I was not much in bed but holed up at home and shutting myself away. being suicidal, drinking and being very angry and stressed. I also felt noone cares and noone wants to know me.I called my uni councillor and she needed 4 weeks to talk me into seeing a GP.I refused to go since i was terrified that i get locked away,in that 4 weeks beyond blue and lifeline have saved me at least 10 times. I called them to release this immense pain inside my chest which was so bad that i wanted to die.Now im diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I dont like it. I havent accepted it. It will take time to acknowledge that I am ill. Well I cant tell myself i Am mentlaly ill. since that sounds terrible. I tell myself im short of neurotransmitters. I can deal with that!Christopher has given you awesome tips. Call that number and go to your GP.I wnet and i on meds now. I am much better than 3 weeks ago. still not right but the emotions have leveld out and i dotn have the suicidal thougths that much and dont cry and freak out as often anymore 🙂

Let us know what you are going to do. You are not alone. Im interested how you go. GOOD LUCKBeetle 🙂