Loneliness after a breakup

[Niki9]

Hi guys,

It's been one month since I broke up with my ex (3 year relationship). We loved eachother, but there were various incompatibilities between us (our political views were vastly different, he is conservative whilst I am more progressive, I am very open minded whereas he isn't, I'm spontaneous and love going out and exploring whilst he's a home body & likes staying in his comfortable settings, etc. etc.). Although deep down I know that my decision to end it was the right one, I now feel so sad and lonely and miss his company so much. He has a solid group of mates whom I know he is now going out with and spending time with to try and get over me, whilst I lack that. I don't have any solid friends. I have some work colleagues but they all lead their own lives with their own relationships & friends. My best friend who is my person in every way lives in Melbourne, whilst I live in Sydney 😞 Whilst everyone goes out on weekends with their friends, I go to the gym and then stay cooped up at home with else nothing to do but go out for lunch with mum occasionally. I have a sister who I'm close with but she has her own friends who I don't really vibe with, and has her own thing going on in general. I'm also the type of person who finds it very hard to make friends and connect with people on a friendship level, and often can't get passed the 'acquaintance' stage. I would also rather have a smaller circle of true, deep friends, over a heap of friends with shallow connections. I crave a group of people who understand me, and who I can talk to about all my feelings, and go on nights out with and go exploring with. But at the same time, I'm aware that I'm not actually doing anything about the situation in terms of trying to make friends, simply because I'm not good at it, and I'm picky with people, and don't know where to start. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm lonely, bored, sad and just crave some good friends to not only help me get through my breakup woes, but to do life with. PLEASE HELP!

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there Niki9,

welcome to the BeyondBlue forums.
First and foremost, I just want to clarify that I am in a similar situation to you and I can share my deepest sympathies to you and your challenging situation. I, too have just broken up with my partner. And I wish I could hug you. Obviously three years is quite a relatively long time for a relationship. You seem to of known your partner well with political views and preferences etc.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I feel the temptation to text my ex. I also feel so many emotions like you too. Sad, angry, bored, lonely. It is such a vulnerable time when you break up with someone... or if they have broken up with you.

I would suggest trying to fill your days with more productive and practical things. You say you like spontaneous things.. like exploring. What about going with some close friends for a bush walk? Or having a beach day? Do you have an outlet?

Maybe you could start a new hobby like painting or writing? If you have a hobby that you like to do, regularly maybe start doing that more often if it is manageable.

I know how lonely and vulnerable you must be feeling because I am feeling similar ways too.

As annoying and obnoxious as it is to say.. you just need to fulfil your days with more productive things to avoid having them on your mind, if this is possible. If this isn’t possible, and your breakup is still fresh please don’t beat yourself up about thinking about them. It’s only natural. And you are allowed to grieve. Please don’t suppress your feelings and give yourself sometime to heal and get through the emotions. Whatever you do try to avoid speaking to your ex during this time.

Try and focus on yourself and surround yourself around loved ones or close friends.

you are worthy and you have got the strength to get through this.

All the best,

PsychedelicFur xxx

[PsychedelicFur]

You crave some good friends too.. I have read. I can relate. This time when getting through an excruciating breakup is especially difficult without any friends. I would say just try to hang out with family or attempt to make new friends by joining social groups online. But please don’t put that burden on yourself just yet.
Try and focus on your personal growth. Take it day by day. Plan little self care rituals for yourself each and every single day. Even if it is take a bubble bath or cooking your favourite meal. Do something nice for yourself everyday. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant.. it can just be something small.

Go for walks daily. Get in touch with nature if possible. I go for a walk every morning and it has helped me enormously. It helps me clear my head and my messy thoughts.

here for you,

PF.

[PsychedelicFur]

A wise women once said many many moons ago : ‘you heal with your hands not your heart.’

start creating. Take up pottery, learn to cook some exotic dishes or study a new language. If creating isn’t your forte then maybe you could get interested in a book series or television series. Just a few suggestions. I know it is very difficult but please stay strong. You are beautiful (if though I have never met you) haha.

[alte_Seele]

Hi Niki,

I wish I had an easy answer, but I'm facing a similar problem myself. After I split with my wife a year a half ago, lost my new job and became the sole carer of my son I realised that I really didn't have any close friends and I had let my old friendships wither, at the time all I needed was my wife, son and work. I'm not even sure how people meet, if I do find myself in a social situation I'm the sort of person who instinctively tries to disappear into the corner of the room.

I think PsychedelicFur is right about starting a new hobby or two, but I would suggest doing it through some kind of class and try to talk to a few people in each class. Just some new shallow friendships will help you and if you meet enough people you increase the chance of finding people you click with and can have a closer friendship with

[Guest_206]

Hi Niki9,
I totally feel you. I've also just broken up with my partner and don't really have close friends where I live. I also find it really hard to make friends and am super picky about friendships- I guess we just know who our people are? I'm really worried that I'll end up staying in bed all weekend now that I don't have my partner to hang with - it's scary! I'm thinking that I might need to look into meet up groups- have you ever tried them?