My partner is obsessed with misogynistic and homophobic topics - it’s impacting on me causing depression

[Mum of adult children]

My husband of 7 years (I’m 61) has become increasingly obsessed with misogynistic, anti feminist, anti climate science, homophobic discussion topics. Not a meal goes by with our family that he doesn’t introduce one of these topics and rant on until people leave the table or it becomes a horrible argument. When I state my point of view, usually defending the alternate view, he yells over me or anyone else at the table. Even when we are not in company, he argues with me, telling me he doesn’t give a shit for my opinion, or telling me I speak too loudly. All devices to stop me from speaking.

He is able to govern his opinions in the workplace usually, or with groups publicly, but he let’s fly with my children, friends and relatives. He’s turned some of my relatives off and my children and their partners seem to prefer being with their other family members. The antipathy people feel towards my husband is isolating me from family and friends as his wife and I think it’s contributing to my depression.

I’ve constantly been working since I was divorced 20 years ago and I’ve supported our family with my income while my husband has struggled with finding regular work. He suffered as a child with being sexually molested and also lack of affection from his mother which I think causes his underlying feelings.

He won’t get psychological help. I’ve suggested it many times and a few times demanded he do so to address his anger issues. I feel like my love for him is being eroded and I am depressed about my future with his resentment of women and how that impacts me, my daughter, my extended family and my friends.

Should I insist he gets help, or ignore his outbursts and do my own thing with others without him, or leave this marriage. I’m feeling so depressed, lonely and anxious.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Mum of adult children,

We are really grateful that you decided to reach out to our community here today, and we understand how tough this can be when you're feeling so low and anxious. We're so sorry to hear what you've been going through, and can hear that this must be a really difficult situation to be in. You've shown so much strength in being so open and honest with your feelings, and we hope that you can find some comfort and support in these safe and non-judgemental forums.

If you feel up to it, we would also really recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. In addition to this, please also know that the kind and understanding counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service, are always here for you, anytime on 1300 22 4636 to talk through these feelings, and you can also get in touch through Webchat (1pm-12am AEST) here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time.

We hope that you keep us updated on how you are going, whenever you feel ready. You never have to go through this alone, and our community are here for you.
 

[Croix]

Dear Mum of adult children~

I don't think anyone can expect to cope with a loudmouthed, bigoted and embittered person who holds you and all females in contempt and acts accordingly. This situation cannot keep on going.

Neither do I think a family will stay together with this toxic influence greeting them whenever they gather.

From a practical point of view I'm not sure it matters the underlying cause, the actions are simply too hard to bear.

You asked "Should I insist he gets help, or ignore his outbursts and do my own thing with others without him, or leave this marriage?"

I can't tell or even suggest what you should do, Maybe counseling will work as well as it does on many occasions. I suspect it does take both parties wanting to make it work, and here I'm not sure if that is the case. Perhaps he might agree where he would not for other types of help.

Trying to ignore his behavior and 'do your own thing' still leaves you living with someone who is terribly corrosive, and you own feelings will change as you become very worn down until you wonder why you are living with this hate-filled stranger and doubt yourself.. By the sound of it you are reaching that worn down stage already, and that is serious.

If you can insist he seeks proper medical treatment, and that may mean a GP and a psychiatrist, and he cooperates there may be some hope his behavior could be reversed, though it might take time. I guess here how you make your insistence effective is the first problem. The second being how you and your family survive until improvement occurs.

I don't really need to say much abut the third alternative, leaving. You have sadly had to experience a divorce and will have some idea of matters there.

During all this the emotional toll and stress on you is very great indeed, may I ask if you have anyone to give you support, a family member or friend perhaps? Trying to cope alone is terribly hard.

Please let us know how you go.

Croix

[Mum of adult children]

Thank you for responding. I have a few people who support me, but that in itself makes him say ive set everyone against him because they agree with me. I’m feeling sick with the stress of talking to him, he’s angry about me calling this behaviour out. He says I’ve left him with one option but that was just manipulation I think. I can’t set up rules for him like he says. I just want him to stop the pushy arguments and be kinder to people he’s speaking to. He seems to think I’m trying to control him. He won’t see anyone for help - either alone or with me. I’m feeling very lonely as I don’t feel I can go out feeling this sick in the stomach. I think I should see the psychologist I used to see who helped me through my divorce.

[quirkywords]

mum of adult children,

Thanks for sharing your story here and I am sorry that you are being affected by your husbands strong opinions. it would be extremely difficult to deal with the constant arguments and the way he treats anyone who disagrees.

I think looking after yourself and seeing the psychologist is a good idea.

I had an experience that was not the same but I had a partner who was in denial with his drinking problem. At family events he would drink so much and be rude and obnoxious. he was not invited to functions and sometimes I wasn’t either. he would not get help as he said I had the problem.He would constantly tell me I was silly and didn’t know what I was talking about.

Friends and relatives felt sorry for me and told me to leave but I felt I could help him change. It was exhausting and I did not like people pitying me.

After many years when my health was affected I did end the relationship.

It is such a hard situation you are in . You wrote he has become increasingly obsessed with these arguments does that mean he was not as obsessed when the relationship started.?

Please look after yourself as it is such an exhausting situation to be in.
Take care

quirky

[Mum of adult children]

Thankyou quirky, it sounds like you have experienced something similar. I don’t know where we’ll end up, however to answer your question, I’m not sure if his obsession has increased since we met. I think at the beginning of our relationship we lived apart, so there was a way to have our space. We moved in together a few years in and that’s where the escape valve ended. I think he feels controlled, but that’s just what happens when you share a home and finances. I think that the feeling of losing control of your independence is what has made his feelings more pronounced. He’s older than me and he seems to have some very old fashioned ideas about a wife’s duty in a marriage. I’m pretty independent but also devoted, so maybe he can’t deal with that. His family and friends have given him messages about his obnoxious behaviour but he hears what he wants to hear. Right now I feel sick with worry. Like there’s a tight ball in my stomach. My kids have left home and moved away and can’t offer much support. I’ll be very much on my own if we split up. I still love him but my repeat for him is being eroded. I’ve clarified that I’m not telling him what to do or how to behave, just that the way is acts and things he says to me at times are making me miserable. He can make choices about how he responds to that. I find it hard to be close when these outbursts happen and that problem has increased over time. He tells me he wants more affection and I try, but it gets harder each time he says something unkind. If only he would genuinely understand how he makes me feel and try to change without painting himself the victim of my “demands that he change”.

[therising]

Hi Mum of adult children

I really feel for you so much. To be experiencing this so often is a terrible way to live.

Being a sensitive gal myself, I can occasionally be left thinking 'I can feel what you're doing to me' when someone is bringing me down, triggering me to frustration, inspiring me etc. I believe life's to be lived sensationally and this comes with challenges, that's for sure. Someone once said 'If you want to access your inner compass (sense of direction in life), look to your body language'. As they mentioned, the body has a language of its own. Yes, sounds a bit trippy but it's amazing how well it works at times. Give you an example

Can be having a conversation with someone when they may begin degrading me, running down something I've said or something I believe in. Straight away, bamm, I can feel it, being 'hit' with this sudden horrible feeling. Instead of sitting with the feeling, I'll wonder what the feeling means. Light bulb moment: This is what degradation feels like, this is what a lack of respect/consideration feels like, this is what being brought down (as opposed to being inspired) feels like. Then things will go in 1 of 2 ways

1. I'll detach from this person because I have no desire to feel these sensations. This will typically trigger that type of person to see me as 'rude'. That's a them problem. Might even say 'I want to stop it here because you're leading me to agitation'. If possible I'll seek out someone else who I know is going to inspire me, if I need to feel inspiration after being with a toxic person. Love the feeling of inspiration
2. I'll wonder about the degrading person. I'll either keep the wonder to myself or I'll wonder at them, depending on the situation. 'I can't help but wonder who or what led you to form your opinion'. When faced with a degrader or ranter, some typical responses: 'That's just the way it is' or 'It's just common sense' or 'People who don't agree are just stupid'. Often, they won't give you a valid reason. So you could say 'This person is unreasonable'. If you insist on a reason, they'll then typically get frustrated, give up on the conversation and label you as 'difficult' or worse. An unreasonable person doesn't want to be challenged.

Managing my own feelings and sense of wonder means I don't have to manage the other person so much. That knot in the stomach may be the overwhelming feeling of 'the courage to speak up', venting the words 'STOP! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! You're doing my head in.'

🙂

[white knight]

Hi mother of adult children,

Re: "Should I insist he gets help, or ignore his outbursts and do my own thing with others without him, or leave this marriage. I’m feeling so depressed, lonely and anxious."

I'd take the view that he has a lot of personal issues stemming way back to childhood.

Although I can sympathise with you and don't blame you for leaving, I think he'll change when this all climaxes. He might have any number of mental health issues. He need persuading to get to a doctor.

Failing getting him to a doctor you can suggest a temporary separation. That might switch his mindset.

TonyWK

[blondguy]

Hi Mum of adult children

I have re-read your post carefully and understand the pain you are going through as my ex had the same mindset as what you mentioned about your husband... especially with refusing to seek the help from a GP or Psychologist .

You mentioned " He won’t see anyone for help - either alone or with me" Only if its okay can I ask why your husband wont attend basic counselling with you?

Paul

[blondguy]

sorry to double post you Mum of adult children.....I forgot a quick and hopefully helpful comment

our own health is paramount.....all other considerations are secondary

Paul