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Living with anxiety & depression - Work in Progress
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I registered with this site tonight. I think "they will think I am a fool" they will think "this guy is nuts". I really do despite 20 plus years of feeling like this. I think "they will say I am strange and bad". I will awake in the morning and think 1st thought "OMG I wrote on beyondblue site...OMG...". I will have this on my mind every minute until I find there is some distance between doing this and then I will find something else to be totally anxious about. This I know is how my mind works. I look for something to worry about always. I am constantly in a state of anxiety about something.
None of these worries ever happen. Once it did when my work place were restructuring and redundancying, I was told if you are running late and do not call by 9:00am you are in trouble. I wound up in mental unit at hospital and if you know places like that, it is not easy to call in - I called at 9:10am. They stated in there dismissal letter that they understood my issues but being in hospital was not a valid excuse. Despite the initial distress, the worry about something happening was way worse than when it (out of a thousand worries) actually happenned.
Post script they lost an expert and within a week (3 years ago) a better workplace found a golden goose. I still worry every 10 or so minutes about being sacked from where I work. It is a disease. I am in a constant state of worry. I've tried eliminating my causes of worry - doesn't matter I'll find something to worry about. Tomorrow and maybe for a week it will be worry about this post.
I live with not being able to get to sleep at night. Waking with such worry I vomit..or dry reach if I was too worried/indifferent to eat previously.
Somehow I've managed to be in constant employment 20 years. I don't know how. Luckily my current boss has been there and he thinks I am the best employee he ever had (he is 68 years old). Start time is 8am. I average 12pm. I don't call. I take 30% LWOP each fortnight. But I am good at my job. I don't get holidays as with my absence it is eaten up and accrues less. I don't know what I would do if I did have a break. I have no social circle.
Beyond blue has been/is a constant fundraiser at workplaces. I rang them years ago and all they could do was give me a number to call to make an appointment with a shrink..in Victoria...I am a Queenslander!...things seem to have progressed since then.
Although tonights writing is cathartic...it will stress the hell out of me in morning. But at least that sad attempt at Movember raised enough money for me to have somewhere to write.
I think Victoria needs to address the issue that even if Bisbane...not to mention rural Australia. that you are not some AFL, greenie, cultural elite Melbourne organisation.
See...I am creating reasons for regret...will happilly supply me with total regret doing this tonight.
Imagine no one will bother replying. I have found some good things to keep me going over the years. Will make work.
Anyone's friend
Steve
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Hey Steve,
no one here will think you are strange or a fool or that you are nuts. People who post are here because they want someone to listen and help them and at the same time they help others by sharing experiences and feelings. There is no judgement here.
I'm sorry your anxiety is overwhelming you at times, but it sounds like your current employer is very supportive. Don't give up on BB. There is lots of support here for all Australians.
Mary
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Hey Steve, hope you can put anxiety and regret aside when you come in here to post. Your old workplace sounds horrible, glad you are out of there. Keeping yourself together at work with depression is hard enough without having a crappy environment around you as well, so congrats on making it this far.
Welcome in, I've replied to your post about the fundraising as well and look forward to talking further with you. I won't hold being a Queenslander against you if you promise not to hold being a New Zealander against me (I think Queensland is full of us anyway).
best
CB
__________________________________________________________________
Online Community Manager
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Hi steve,
I can't start to begin to understand what you are going though... But also new to this site i have found it very helpful posting on here (i think you may have replied to my post) there is alot of people out there that will listen and not judge you..
Keep posting your thoughts on here
Take care of yourself
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Hi Steve,
I feel for you mate with the effects of anxiety that you experience; i.e. vomiting /dry-reaching. I can also relate to it because I experienced the very same symptoms but these were provoked by a ‘wicked stepmother’. I still have the legacy of, like you, dealing with anxiety and depression.
I don’t know whether you’re a person who likes figures/data but here’s something you might consider. Create a table and on the left enter each worry that occupies your focus with a start date.
You nominate an expiration date for that item.
Post expiration date tick the correct column – a) it happened b) it didn’t happen Talley up the respective totals for a) & b) after what you determine to be a reasonable term.
Based on what you’ve indicated, there will be a strong preference for b) it didn’t happen.
Sometimes the facts, as collated in this exercise, can help reduce the worry.
Another point; you’ve been constantly employed for 20 years. You mentioned an element of luck in that your boss thinks you’re the best employee. Luck can be an acronym for: · Labouring · Under · Correct · Knowledge
I HOPE YOU HAVE ALL THE LUCK YOU NEED.