I registered with this site tonight. I think "they will think I am a fool" they will think "this guy is nuts". I really do despite 20 plus years of feeling like this. I think "they will say I am strange and bad". I will awake in the morning and think 1st thought "OMG I wrote on beyondblue site...OMG...". I will have this on my mind every minute until I find there is some distance between doing this and then I will find something else to be totally anxious about. This I know is how my mind works. I look for something to worry about always. I am constantly in a state of anxiety about something.
None of these worries ever happen. Once it did when my work place were restructuring and redundancying, I was told if you are running late and do not call by 9:00am you are in trouble. I wound up in mental unit at hospital and if you know places like that, it is not easy to call in - I called at 9:10am. They stated in there dismissal letter that they understood my issues but being in hospital was not a valid excuse. Despite the initial distress, the worry about something happening was way worse than when it (out of a thousand worries) actually happenned.
Post script they lost an expert and within a week (3 years ago) a better workplace found a golden goose. I still worry every 10 or so minutes about being sacked from where I work. It is a disease. I am in a constant state of worry. I've tried eliminating my causes of worry - doesn't matter I'll find something to worry about. Tomorrow and maybe for a week it will be worry about this post.
I live with not being able to get to sleep at night. Waking with such worry I vomit..or dry reach if I was too worried/indifferent to eat previously.
Somehow I've managed to be in constant employment 20 years. I don't know how. Luckily my current boss has been there and he thinks I am the best employee he ever had (he is 68 years old). Start time is 8am. I average 12pm. I don't call. I take 30% LWOP each fortnight. But I am good at my job. I don't get holidays as with my absence it is eaten up and accrues less. I don't know what I would do if I did have a break. I have no social circle.
Beyond blue has been/is a constant fundraiser at workplaces. I rang them years ago and all they could do was give me a number to call to make an appointment with a shrink..in Victoria...I am a Queenslander!...things seem to have progressed since then.
Although tonights writing is cathartic...it will stress the hell out of me in morning. But at least that sad attempt at Movember raised enough money for me to have somewhere to write.
I think Victoria needs to address the issue that even if Bisbane...not to mention rural Australia. that you are not some AFL, greenie, cultural elite Melbourne organisation.
See...I am creating reasons for regret...will happilly supply me with total regret doing this tonight.
Imagine no one will bother replying. I have found some good things to keep me going over the years. Will make work.
Anyone's friend
Steve
