Just writing things out

stressedcrayon · ‎30-08-2021

Been about a year since my last post

Think I brought up the possibility my mother was toxic or emotionally abusive to my then mental health gp and therapist. Now I just don't want to care about the past and feeling pain over it.

After dropping out for the second time I eventually got a job. It was that or school and considering I just dropped out...

Been working there since Nov. Already kind of dislike it... swear it makes my mental health worse and not sure if it's burnout or just depression. While I was still in my course I applied for uni and got into one. I knew I wasn't ready and wanted to do a term or year in what was pretty much another yr 12 eqv. Of course mother didn't like that. I was struggling mentally still and deferred before having to pay fees. Turned 18... yay. Didn't see therapist or the new gp for a bit and just worked. Eventually saw them, had a bad experience with the new gp. Told my therapist I'm not sure of therapy was working because of me. Worked until I decided to enroll in that same yr 12 eqv again.

Now how I am exhausted, feeling burnout and whatever else I'm feeling. Writing this while I should be on online class. Most likely about to drop out again... Haven't see my therapist in awhile because I can't bring myself to make a stupid phone call.

I wish things were different... that I didn't struggle with school my whole life or actually got the help I needed regarding school

Asking myself what's the point

To work until I can afford to retire

To try to study only to fail and drop out

I'll be moving out by the end of the year and will try to rent a room or apartment whatever is cheaper that I can get.

I'll go low contact with my parents. Hope my mental health won't end me homeless and I'll be able to work enough to pay for essentials.

I have somewhat friends I might be able to rent with. Most have their own issues and I'm really only in one's life. She has offered for me to live there but I don't know how I'll deal with three people and heaps of animals and for the sake that I seem to have certain issues, it'll be a hindrance as they have their own issues to deal with.

Also interesting since last year I've been questioning if I have different disorders which I kind of concluded might be health anxiety with mental illness as a main focus or something, I don't know.

Guess that's it.

jtjt_4862 · ‎30-08-2021

Heya stressedcrayon,

It's great to see you posting again. Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way about yourself. It is important to find a therapist whom you can connect with deeply, that way they can help you work through the troubles that you're having. Finding the the right therapist may take some time, but it'll be worth the effort. You can try searching for another therapist near your location with https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist, and then bring this up with your GP. Let them know that you'd like to try another therapist.

I feel, working while studying is a really difficult thing to manage. On top of that, you're also going through some hard times at the moment as well. It is very strong of you to be handling all three situations. If it's okay for me to ask, as I'd like to get a better understanding of your situation.

For the uni course that you've enrolled into, are you currently enrolled full time? If so, would you consider part time enrollment to reduce the commitment and stress from your uni course?
You mentioned that you're disliking your work at the moment. What sort of work do you do, and would you like to talk about what is it that you're not liking at your work?

It's great to hear that a friend offered you to rent with her. It can certainly be a new unfamiliar experience with three people and heaps of animals, and it's really nice of you to consider about their issues as well. But your issues and needs are as important as well. There's no shame in receiving help from others. If you're feeling uncertain about it, it may be worth having a chat again with your friend about how they feel on taking you onboard. Renting alone may be costly, so renting with other people may help reduce the cost, just make sure the cost of rent sharing is stated clearly by your friend so you can better plan your financials. Plus having friends and animals may be beneficial to your mental health too (friends for the support network, and animals for the unconditional love).

Happy to listen to you more stressedcrayon, stay strong!

Jt