It's the stupid thoughts and self-doubts that get you.

[Small_Inside]

I was having a good day today - my day off work - when I got a text message from my supervisor. I felt like he was accusing me without checking all the facts, so I wrote back, being somewhat defensive in the process. Probably too much so. As soon as I had done it I felt that, even though I was justified in my feelings, I had done the wrong thing, that I would regret it. Then my supervisor called to talk to me about what I'd written. And somehow, despite there being apologies, I still feel that I have been accused, that I get no points for trying, that I've let people down (again), and that I will never be able to do my job properly (or any other for that matter) no matter how hard I try. And I feel upset that I put so much stock in how other people think of me. Do you ever have those days where you don’t like the person you seem to be? Where you feel guilty for your thoughts and feelings and opinions? Where expressing them makes you feel worse rather than better? Because you don’t feel you’re the type of person you SHOULD be. And you realise how pathetic the self-pity party is but you can't seem to stop it. I just want to be a person I can be proud of and I feel like I’m failing. Today is not the darkest of days for me, but the stupid thoughts just won't quit. They keep going round and round in my head and continue to make me feel cruddy, ruining my day. And now I realise I'm rambling and ranting and I feel like I shouldn't be making a mountain out of a mole hill. After all, there are way worse things happening in people's lives that make this look insignificant and ridiculous, right? Never mind, just ignore me.

[BballJ]

Hi Small Inside,

Wow, reading your post almost felt like you were in my mind, I do this so often it's scary. I put so much stock into what people think of me, If i perhaps wrote the wrong thing or what i mean't to say didn't come out correctly and they are now angry at me... I have way too many days where i get down on myself, feeling like i am doing the wrong thing, failing, and having, as you said, as self-pity party in my head. I find ways to feel sorry for myself which is odd in itself. I think one thing to point out in your post is you and trying to downplay your feelings because they might be insignificant compared to someone else's. That isn't fair on you, i am sure most people on here feel they are upset for no reason and shouldn't be, but we cannot take on other peoples issues until we fully start to understand ours, and your's is just as important as anyone else's.

My question for you, have you ever seeked help from a psychologist? someone to talk through everything and sort of start understanding why you go into this modes, questioning yourself? I am currently seeing a psych and they are helping me understand all my over thinking, i suffer from anxiety and it is a common symptom with that so i am working through it all, but just wondered if you had seeked out the professional help as well?

My best for you,

Jay

[Small_Inside]

Hi, Jay.

Thank you, so much. I went away to read some other people's posts to get some perspective before I came back and saw yours. You're very kind to respond. It's funny how such a simple thing can move someone, but you have moved me, more than I expected, and I cannot express how truly grateful I am for your time and words.

In answer to your question, yes, I have seen a psychologist in the past and am about to see another one in a couple of weeks. Funnily enough, it's to see how I'm going and look at possibly reducing my anxiety/depression medication. And even more funny is that I KNOW the way I talk to myself in my head is not realistic and can be catastrophic or overly dramatic, but it doesn't seem to change what I FEEL. Maybe I don't practice the good self-talk enough for it to take effect because I never really seem to believe it.

You've actually started to improve my day, so again, thank you.

[Lollie45]

Firstly, your supervisor shouldn't be asking you about work issues on your day off. And never think that your feelings are wrong. One thing I have learnt over the years is that I am allowed to feel, allowed to have an opinion, if other people don't like it then that is their problem. As long as your intentions, feelings and actions aren't intentional to harm or belittle someone else then they are valid, valid to you.

[BballJ]

Hi Small Inside,

Thanks for posting back.

Sometime's all it can take is to be heard and understood... i have learnt when I discuss certain mental health issues with friends or family, they do not understand it and it frustrates me, but when we meet people who understand where we are coming from, it give's us a comforting factor, and that is exactly what I try to do on these forums, simply understand where you and many other are coming from... in your situation, i understood because i have lived it and am still living it.

It's amazing how our mind works, we know what we think and how we over think can turn things into unrealistic scenarios, but we still do it and it drives us crazy... My over thinking will go into something like this... I call someone, they dont call me back in what i deem an appropriate amount of time, i start thinking to myself "Have i annoyed this person" "have i done something to make this person not want to talk to me" it's such a weird cycle and one i know is silly but we still do it. We just need to take small baby steps to recovery and start the good self talk as you said. I need to do way more of that... You sound like quite a positive person regardless of what you are going through mentally... hold onto that because positivity is one thing that can get you to the other side of the pain.... which is happiness.

My best,

Jay