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Is there an end? Is there a solution cause I'm sick of Managing!
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I'm 40. I'm a single mum of two boys aged 8 and 10. I run my own small, home based business. I have "Depression" well that's the word I use. My last counsellor didn't like to "label". I was first diagnosed with Depression when I was 16. I had my ups and down throughout my life. Always dropping into "Depression" when things got hard. I've done the meds, I've done so many different forms of counselling. Things got bad when I became a mum. Things got worse when I split from my husband when the boys were 1 & 3. I've been fighting hard ever since. I haven't been suicidal for a good 5 years. I'm better than I've ever been. I've let go of the past so that no longer feeds my Depression. As I started to get better from the Depression I started having Anxiety attacks. The doctor explain that it's "all on the same continuum". When my kids dad left town and stop regular fortnightly access I started having panic attacks, that was 2 years ago.
I "manage" it all fairly well. I've got strategies, I can pick myself up and keep going. I can "function" BUT I can't stand this pain any more. The pain in my heart. The loneliness. The emptiness. I use all sorts of new age stuff too to "change my thinking", "be positive" but I can't change the fact that I am absolutely on my own.
I've got friends, those that are still around are in the same position as me so that can't support me. They are actually worse so I tend to support them, although at least they understand. The rest just walk away with "too hard", "too emotional". "too demanding" etc etc. I spent years tring to "fix". I've come to terms with the fact I don't fix so I've given up trying. "I'll just be me and the right people will come into my life". There are people around me that care but none of them know the truth. None of them know my heart or my head. No one knows how much I cry. No one knows how much it hurts.
I want help. I want a solution. I'm sick of "talking". I'm sick of fighting just to keep my head up, just to function.
I really do understand why people kill themselves. My thoughts are there but I know it's no out either as I believe you just have to come back and do it all again anyways so I mose well try and figure it out now rather than passing on the legacy to my kids and the pain to those that I know love me, those that logically I know would feel my loss. I don't even have the hate any more to want them to suffer, which also sucks. At least back then there was some pleasure at the thought that I could hurt them as much as they hurt me.
Why do I feel so empty. So Unloved. I just want someone to love me. Really love and value me. My kids do as kids do but I want what I give to my kids. My mum loves me, I know she does "in her own way". She's a better mum than her mum was. I'm a better mum than my mum is but my family is messed up. She doesn't understand me, I've tried to talk to her. I've tried to talk to people but I just can't find a way to permanently get out of this shithole. No matter how "good" I get. No matter what I do. I keep coming back here. I don't stay as long, I get out quicker, I stay out longer. It's less debilitating and affects my life less.
BUT I'm so flippen sick and tired of being here. I'm so tired of fighting. I feel so trapped, so alone with no solution. No out... Just time, working hard and fighting, always fighting to get just that little bit better, that little bit more stable.
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Hi Josie
You poor thing I know how you feel as it reminded me of my depression years ago and I have a partner that adores me. The tired of fighting is I believe common especially when we have young ones to attend to as well. We have to keep in a routine as much as we can even though it may feel like a face sometimes that we put on for the day.
Yes the new age stuff does not mean much when you have a heart ache hey.
I am hoping something will click for you to bring you up naturally it is wonderful that you are looking after your children I had to stick with it regardless of what was really going on inside me but it is so different today and I hope you will experience the same thing.Because I have the experience to guide me the difference for me is I speak up now and end up having giggles at all sorts because of it.
Let us know if something shifts for you or someone does come into your life and brings you the company that you are seeking.
Funny thing how sometimes someone turns up without us looking those stories are wonderful.
Good luck and keep at it.
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Thanks for replying.
I was in a bad place when I wrote this and needed to get it out. Things shifted and changed soon after I posted this. I decided to do a distance healing which I'd held off because of money but it was with a person I have met and it was awesome. I actually felt a lift when she did the healing. I've done them before but they never had the same affect.
I also had a bit of a realisation as I spent some time with my mother and sister, which doesn't happen often and I realised that my whole family has a lack of love. My mum never got it from her mum, my dad never got it from his parents so they didn't know how to give it to me and my sister. My sister has a 20 year old who is a horrible mess. I'm worried about him but there isn't anything I can do. I hope he makes it through but he is going to have to find it outside our family because his mother (my sister) isn't helping. She actually gave me some perspective of my mum because she is doing to her son what my mum is doing with me. Trying to help but without any real understanding so they get frustrated and give up.
I know I've put my mum through hell, but I finally understand just how much. The interesting thing is that it's empowering me as a mother. I'm changing things. I have a connection with my kids that my mum and I don't have and that my sister and her child don't have. Only time will tell but for all my struggles, for all my pain, for all my fighting. I have found a way through. I have found a strength and an understanding that will long term provide me with permanent healing. A permanent out of this thing called Depression.
I don't know. Something has shifted, something has changed. I've still dropped a little and felt a little emotional ova the last couple of days with a couple of things that have happened. but. I really do believe that something has changed
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Hi Josie
well there you go I am happy for you and all the best in the remainder of your life,enjoy.
Giggles