I want to get better but I can't do it alone

[QueenOfBadIdeas]

I'm at a point in my depression that I'm starting to have some self-worth, and know that I am capable of things... but the way I exist in society crumbles all those thoughts.

I'm not really alone, I have some friends -- but it's all superficial. I have no one I can actually trust, who I know I could share secrets with and who would care. When I try to reach out for help people tell me to stop bringing them down. They don't see or celebrate my successes -- I've never been given flowers or taken out for dinner. Most people have no idea what I actually do for work or in my spare time -- no one is interested. People only seem to be interested in me when they want something from me.

I don't want people to say to try another group, that there's people out there that's 'your people'... I have tried absolutely everything. Uni students, people passionate about the same things I am, people who share my identity... no matter where I go, people always treat me the same. Whenever I go to events with friends with the intention of making new friends it's always the same -- my friends get a million compliments, at most I get 'there's lipstick on your teeth'.

I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like an alien. I know my social skills aren't the best (thanks to ADHD undiagnosed I was an adult + childhood trauma), but I try as I see other people trying. Nothing... ever... works.

I'd love to believe that the world is a better place, and I believe most people are good. I wish I could be a person who has the kind of energy that everyone loves. Or, at least, the kind of energy that at least one person loves.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I hear you. It sounds like you're at a point in your depression where you recognize your own self-worth and capabilities, but the way society treats you undermines those thoughts. It's tough when you have friends, but they don't seem to provide the deep connection and trust that you're looking for. 

And, maybe because of this ... It's understandable that you're feeling like there's something wrong with you, but please know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Sometimes, it can be hard to find our "tribe" or a group of people who truly understand and appreciate us. 

I'm sorry that people haven't recognized your successes or taken the time to get to know you beyond surface level. It's not a reflection of your worth as a person. It's great that you want to believe that the world is a better place and that people are good.

If you want to chat about what is going on in your life... I'm listening.

[geoff]

Hello QueenOfBadIdeas, sometimes our successes don't mean much to ourselves at this point in time, or even if they do, they don't remind us of how good we were, because they only care about themselves.

When they want to use us, then they have no worries in asking us and don't care how we feel, and usually we can give them everything they want, whereas when we are feeling OK, this certainly wouldn't happen.

Trust with 'friends' can suddenly dwindle away, when you are asking for assistance, because no one wants to know about what's causing all of this, they are only interested in getting what ever they can off us, and it's only once we become strong, we are able to ignore them and that's when we feel satisfied.

Geoff.

Life Member.