I want to feel better

[Bassaa]

Hi,

I’m new to this and have not been able to open up about the extent of my depression openly to anyone close to me. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and I feel fine for a little while but then I come crashing down again. It just feels like it’s getting more frequent and every episode is getting worse. My husband is aware I’m having problems but I just lash out at him and nothing I say seems to make sense.

I feel so guilty all the time and I hate myself so much for not being happy. I just don’t feel worthy of this life. I have spent so many years making sure everyone and everything around me was ok but it’s like I was just hiding behind this image so no one would see how broken I am. I can’t keep up the image anymore everything just feels too hard. I haven’t left my room for 3 days. I want to spend time with my children but don’t have the energy pull myself together. This feeling of guilt feels like it’s eating me up. I feel like an embarrassment to my husband and daughters. It’s like I am dragging them all down with me or by being with them.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to feel better. I can’t remember the last time I laughed

[Croix]

Dear Bassaa ~

I'm responding to your post becuse it rang bells with me. First off though let me say I understand how hard it can be to open up at all, even here where nobody knows anyone. So I think you have made a pretty good start.

All the things you said, putting on a front, feeling guilty and unworthy lashing out, not being able to get up, feeling you are a burden on your husband and kids - the whole lot.

Could have been me talking.

Those thoughts are so convincing, I thought they were my thoughts, and were justified and accurate. I even got to the stage where I thought my family - and my work - would be better off without me, start again with someone new and better.

Now comes the hard part, to convince you it is depression talking over your thoughts, and doing it so well you can't tell the difference. If I had been told that early on then I'd simply have dismissed it as unrealistic by someone that did not understand.

Now, from a better place it know it was all true. None of those thoughts was deserved an as I improved they got less and less.

I had a long time finding the right medications and therapies to heal me, and while I'm still under treatment things have stabilized at a pretty good life. I was a total mess and am now good. If it can happen to me it can happen to you.

So I would suggest discussing all this in detail wiht your psychiatrist, the current regime is not effective enough. If talking is difficult then jot everything down in writing first and share the paper - I've done that.

My partner understood that when I lashed out it was not really aimed at her, it was the pressure. Can your husband understand that too? It makes such a difference to have someone on your side

Croix

[Star_Jasmine]

Hey Bassaa,

Welcome. So sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

I've recently joined the forum too and like you I am struggling to make sense of things and feeling pretty unmotivated at the moment, to put it lightly!

I am also a mum and can relate to what you said. As mums we tend put everyone else first and forget ourselves. There is this pressure to be the perfect wife, mother and to have the picture perfect happy family. I know I struggle with feelings of perfection and perceived happiness. Always worrying about what other people think of me.

Good to see you're getting some professional help from a psychiatrist. You should let him or her know next time that it's getting worse. Be completely honest.

In the meantime, please be kind to yourself. There is hope and you can get better!

On days that I don't feel like getting out of bed I find that the smallest things like having a shower or going for a little walk can really help.

Hope you a feeling a bit better. If you'd like to chat a bit more, I'm listening!

Take care

[baet123]

Hi Bassaa,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your situation with us. It takes immense bravery and courage to express your emotions and let others know how you truly feel and for that you should be proud. Resilience, courage and strength are characteristics we all strive to achieve and many spend their whole lifetimes trying to build and improve on these characteristics so the fact that you have these three traits is great! This is an amazing step in the right direction.

It is also very encouraging to hear that you are seeing a psychiatrist. How often do you see your psychiatrist and don't it is super important from my own studies/experience to find health professionals whom you click with and feel that they ''actually'' care for your well-being. The client-professional relationship has to be strong for many people to improve their conditions. I assume your on medication as well? If you feel that it is not working I would consider consulting your psychiatrist and possibly seeking other medication options. Not on glove fits all right? Same with medication.

I think you may be a bit to hard on yourself. Ultimately, you have the right and deserve to be happy and be living the life YOU want to live and our own happiness should be at the forefront of our minds/lives at all times, however, for many of us this isn't the case. You are not an embarrassment and you husband and kids love you and they appreciate you. You are a wonderful person and have so much to live for and so much to give!

Please stay strong and as positive as possible. It will get better!

Look forward to hearing from you again.

All the best,

Nick.

[Quercus]

Hi Bassaa,

I am so glad you've reached out.

I read your words nodding along. You are describing me too. Or I should say how I was at my lowest point.

Nick mentioned that you are a worthwhile person. This is important. Even if you can't agree right now... it is truth. Which brings me to Croix's point about depression changing how we see the world. It does. Completely. I have learnt to ask people I can trust for their opinion. It may sound silly but they know when I ask I'm not sure if depression is affecting how I am seeing the world. It's ok to choose to trust the opinion of those who love you until the time comes you feel able to trust yourself.

Reading your words I see the clues and hints that I gave to people and medical professionals around me to ask for help. But sometimes we need to point out the obvious to get the help we need. It took me four years to be diagnosed with major depression because I was reluctant to share the most painful truths of how I felt. Star Jasmine has got it... Honesty. Your psychiatrist needs to know the worst of it.

I'm going to get to the guts of what I need to say. I felt exactly as you described. And I was suicidal. I had a plan. Constant unrelenting thoughts. I was afraid of myself.

You are your own person and just because I felt this way doesn't mean you do. I am just worried because your words hit very close to home. I'm worried about you.

If you do feel this way too your psychiatrist needs to know this as soon as possible. It can get better. I know it feels hopeless now but the first step is putting the worst into words. The Psychiatrist relies on you to explain exactly what is happening inside. They can help but you do need to be blunt. Even if it feels shameful or embarrassing it is important.