I really just don't know what to do anymore.

[Balmbear]

Hi everyone, I have gone through a lot of rough things in my life.

I grew up half deaf after having grommets, I got golden staph infection in my right ear causing me to be a burden on my family with constant pain, medical bills and hinderance in learning. I wasn't able to get water in my ear, I didn't learn to swim, I couldn't make friends because I had blood and ooze leaking from my ear constantly.

I turned to food as a source of happiness, eating whenever I felt sad, sneaking snacks to my room even as a young kid. and I have been obese for as long as I can remember and honestly don't think I'll ever have the motivation or will to see myself become anything but obese.

My parents divorced when I was in kindergarten whilst also being used as a messenger of hate and bad words that I didn't know what they meant at the time and shortly after when I was in Year 2 my father started deteriorating as he had liver cancer, watching your dad wither away, vomiting blood and physically turning yellow; knowing that I can't do anything to help, just watching him die..

No friends, No Father and A Mother who treats me like shit. My brother was the only person I had. at younger ages he bullied me a lot but now as adults he's trying to be there because he wants me to be a present Uncle, but I can't get past the bullying and pain.

Getting into high school, I was a smart kid but I had literally no motivation to do anything or plans for the future, I thankfully had made a friend, she's the most wonderful human being i can think of, she's been through her own personal hell but always made sure I was okay. Later on in high school we tried to date, but I realised I was gay and she fully understood and supported it.

I stayed closeted until after highschool, my family was already abusive enough i didn't want that to be added on top.

It's been 5 years since high school. I am in a Polyamorous relationship with 2 boyfriends, one who feels like an Emotional Minefield, the other feels cold and unapproachable at times. I Do my best to try and make them happy but it gets to a point where I am sacrificing too much.

I am obese, no motivation, no true happiness- just the quick rush of winning an online game, I look back at everything and can count the few good things I have had happen to me quite easily, but it is extremely outweighed by all the negatives.

I keep continuing the cycle of waking up, just existing, eating, crying and sleeping.
What do I do, am I just being pessimistic?

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

Sounds like your upbringing was painful. And your currently relationships sound as though you get pulled in multiple directions at once. I wonder what these relationships would look like in the ideal world?

As an aside,I used to play online MMOs. I also got addicted - well, to a degree. Sometimes I was playing when I should have been working. Anyway, I played these games as they were my only source of fun in a world I hated. I would imagine the enemy as nasty customers or whatever. Something to release the stress.

It also take great courage to post on the forums here, not knowing when or how people might respond to you. Please know the forums here are a safe place, full of supportive people who are non-judgemental.

Can I ask whether you have spoken to a GP or counsellor about the thoughts and feelings you have?

You are not being pessimistic per se, perhaps normal for your experiences. There is also a way of moving forward to a hopefully happier life.

Tim

[AverageAusGuy]

Hi Balmbear,

It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot of challenges in your life. You are a strong person for keeping on going.

I have had some similar challenges and the thing that helps my depression the most is diet and exercise. Forget about appearance for a moment, eating a little healthier and moving your body will definately make you feel mentally better. Start small. Try eating more fruits and veggies and walking. Go for a walk every day. Build up from there.

Try to cut back on the online gaming too if you realise that it is becoming an unhealthy coping mechanism. Get out there and try some new hobbies and meet some new people. Set a goal to talk to at least one new person a day.

All the best. Keep us posted.