I need help

[TheKingOfHearts]

Right now I am really struggling.

I wasn't gonna make a post but I am over it.

I am in such a dark place that I can't do anything.

Can't even sleep anymore.

I have been sending emails to my doctor and she's replied to me outside of hours.

I have talked to my case manager on the phone and to my mother.

We're getting me some more meds so I have enough energy to get therapy.

But I'm so defeated, so worn down and broken.

I've been drinking more energy drinks and spending my money impulsively.

I even had a sip of alcohol the other night and took money out of my savings account to pay for something random.

When I had the alcohol I fell right to sleep.

All I want is to get a job, have enough money to fix my living situation, to move across the country to a small apartment. I don't need a house or a duplex even just a bedsitter with a bed, a TV and a computer would be fine.

Once upon a time I wanted more I wanted a big mansion and of course it'd be great.

But now my values have changed.

I want to be able to focus enough to read a book, watch a movie and play a game.

And I want to be in a safe place of my own with my own style.

I have a gothic and modern style.

My mother loves bo ho, african, hamptons stuff and I hate stuff like that.

And I really want faster internet and a better computer but I don't have enough money for that.

I need alot of help.

I hear voices and their so bad lately and I'm so depressed.

I keep coming to beyond blue to talk about it all because I don't know what else to do.

Now I'm telling my whole family about it on Facebook.

I want to be an RN btw so I can help people I'd love to work in general practice however because things are so bad I'd probably become an EN asap.

And just so you know I'm not living in a violent house or a broken home or anything I just can't stand this town I crave city life.

But I feel so lifeless and emotionless even.

My voices have become so violent.

I can't stand it I'm just so sick of it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi TheKingOfHearts,  

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear how difficult it has been for you lately but we really appreciate your openness in sharing here.
 
We can hear that you are connected in with supports such as your doctor and case manager, it's great that you are reaching out to them when you need it. In the meantime, we’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. Often we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, whether that's our desire to move to a new area, get a different job, all together this can be overwhelming. Please be kind to yourself and know that just by sharing and reaching out you are demonstrating incredible strength.
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Monkey444]

I'm sorry about your situation. I too aspire to find work and trying to get it can feel "crazy-making". I also understand the desire to be in a bustling city with excitement, and also feel my quiet family-focused suburban environment is not good for me and my life.

I think I'm also going through too perhaps a transformation. I relate to your desire to focus on reading a book and having a place of your own. Maybe the best people are the ones that enjoy the simple things in life such as these. I hope your situation becomes better even if it seems like a big mission, I am fighting with you.

[tranzcrybe]

Sleep and energy drinks are diametrically opposed, so a glass of milk or light meal might settle you a bit.

You seem to have so many thoughts running through your head that it's left you overwrought with distress and feeling emotionally paralysed.

In times like these, I like to make a list comprising :
> what I want,
> what I need,
> and, just as importantly, what I don't want.

From there I can prioritise my list and make a plan to :
> discard the baggage,
> ensure I have the essentials,
> and then set out steps to achieve my heart's desires.

Knowing it is all laid out, I can usually switch off and relax until I choose to review the list.

I hope you can give it a try.