I need help. I don't know what is wrong

[Log_-1]

Hello everyone,

I have been struggling with depression for years and in recent months it has been at its worst and its best within a few minutes of each other sometimes.

Everyday feels like an effort, nothing feels worth it, the world feels empty, I feel like I work for money that isn't even mine. I help all my friends and family and when they don't say thank you, it hurts so much. I feel like I am a part of people's lives but have no overall effect on anything. Life feels like it is going to fast and I keep stopping to catch my breath but everything keeps going without me, I feel so insignificant and small.

I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but sometimes she doesn't help me. She tells me in her way of information taking which is completely different to mine. She always wants help but then doesn't work with me. I don't want to get angry at her, because without her I wouldn't be alive.

I just need some tips as to what to do. I feel so out of place

I also take criticism so, so, so poorly and am one to cry over the smallest inconvenience. I also struggle with major self hatred and I do not see myself in a positive aspect at all.

Thank you for any reply

[White_Rose]

Hello Log

Welcome to the forum. Is it OK to call you Log?

It strikes me you have a couple of difficulties. You say, I feel like I work for money that isn't even mine. Can you explain that? You also say, I help all my friends and family and when they don't say thank you, it hurts so much. Why do you help these people? I think it's important you know why you help.e.g. do you help because it makes you feel good? or because you hate to see someone struggle, or because it's expected you will help? They sound like good reasons but it is all at your expense, physically and emotionally, and sometimes I guess, financially.

I have noticed a huge rise in the use of this phrase ever since I heard a few years ago. 'Fix your own oxygen mask first before helping others'. And that's good sense. You are not going to be able to help anyone if you are gasping for air. A few weeks ago I was talking to my psychiatrist about a friend who can be demanding. She asked me what my responsibilities were, then what my friends responsibilities were. It's up to me to look after myself, to fix myself as much as possible.I know people wear themselves out being 'rescuers'. If you have the resources and resilience you can help others but not at your own expense. All it does is deplete your physical and emotional strength and this is when your mental health takes a tumble.

It is pleasant to help someone and I am not advocating totally ignoring the needs of others. You need to be selective in these matters and base your aid on what you can do rather than what someone wants from you. It's the way of the world to accept assistance from someone who offers it freely and frequently. After a while it becomes a right and if you say no you become the worst person.

May I suggest you do not volunteer your services unless you are completely certain there will be no ill effects for you. If you are asked, tell the person you need to think. OK some things do not need thought, but be aware of what you have in your life already.

You feel you do not belong in certain groups but I assure you this will not change however much you help. In fact people in your position are seen as conveniences. Not very nice and not conducive for forming friendships.

I have been fairly blunt even though you say, I also take criticism so, so, so poorly, because this is not criticism. These are facts. I would like to continue talking if it's OK with you.

Mary

[Log_-1]

Thank you for the reply!

With the financial thing, I feel like I am saving towards the goal of spending the money on other people and when I spend it on myself I get scalded. I do want to save money, not for anything in particular but to just be able to have a sense of financial security. Then my girlfriend who just got her first car is saying I should save for one too, but that isn't what I want.

I help people because most of the people are struggling with their lives and have so much on their plate. Whereas I feel like I have too much for me to handle, but it is nowhere near what they have so I put myself down and help them even if it isn't good for me.

I agree with the thing about the oxygen mask, but it feels that everyone around me is constantly in need of help and I help them because I am better off than they are currently. However, when I am not better off and think of myself first they are just like "Okay, whatever" and it makes me feel awful. Because of my self-hate issues I seriously don't care about myself at all, if I fail, I care but I expected it because I think I suck at everything.

Yes, I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been to an actual headspace location, however, my next appointment is not for another 2 weeks due to scheduling issues.

Thank you again, Mary,

Log

[Croix]

Dear Log~

I think Mary is right, you have to look at ow much and why you help others. It can be hard to realize that help is not just given on a money basis, or time, or doing errands, or things like that, it is glen from the self.

When people take notice and care they help back, or if that not possible show appreciation - make an effort to show the helper the assistance was significant and appreciated. If this does not happen one can feel lees and lees important, just some sort of servant of no importance. I guess that is where you are now.

You really need boundaries, a way of deciding what you need to do, and being able to say "No", to not-help when appropriate. You mentioned you would like to do some saving, so you had a financial buffer for the future. This is a very sensible ambition and really you need to realize your needs are important, just as much as anyone else's.

Saying to yourself I have the means to help, and they are not as well off is logical but not the whole picture. You can drain yourself right out. Humans need to receive as well as give.

You sound a sensitive and caring person, however you need to care for you too! I hope you can get into Headspace quickly and find it helpful.

Croix

[Rishie]

Hi Log,
I've struggled with self hatred for a long time so I can sort of understand. One thing that I've learned is not to judge myself by what others say about me. We don't know what people's motives are when they say things about us, some genuinely want to help or advise us and others are just critical and some people just want to have something to complain about. People can say hurtful things and not realise, or not want to admit, how their hurtful words have affected us. My mother said something on two separate occasions that had a big impact on me, but when I tried to talk to her, she can't see that she did anything wrong.
I also agree with what mary said, maybe it's time to step back a little and not offer help unless you know it's a genuine need that you are able to help with. Maybe it's time to set some boundaries, and as hard as it may be, to learn to say "no" when they are expecting too much from you. We all need time for ourselves, for the sake of our mental health. Find things to do that you enjoy, something that makes you feel good about yourself, such as a hobby or something. I hope things get better for you soon.
Rishie