I'm tired of being me

[scottty]

I've never posted on a support group/forum before so forgive me if this post is all jumbled im just writing down my thoughts has they are.

I am 23 and I'm tired of being me i have these feelings on and off i can feel fine for weeks but these's feelings for 1-2 weeks some times longer its been happing for the last 12 years but its has been getting worse in the last 3 years. at night i spend hours just staring at the wall in the dark sometimes i crying sometimes im not i sleep untill 4pm most days so i can avoid the day and people i feel alone, dead inside, defective, unlikable, unlovable, gross. when i talk or hang out with my friends or family when the conversation stops or runs dry i start feeling nervous and anxious so i start talking and talking and talking i often miss social cues i have High functioning autism which just amplifies the feelings i thing most of the time i'm just tolerated. when i looking in the mirror everyday when i have shower all i see is a gross ugly fat looser that will be alone and die alone. its getting harder to hang out with my friends because the always have there boyfriends over or talking about them because i know i will never have a boyfrend its hard to fine someone that likes me people but i dont think anyone would want someone thats broken. i can't talk to my frends and family i don't think my frends really care and my parents would just make be feel even worse my sister is an alcoholic and when she's drunk she's very abusive to everyone. so i just shuve the feelings deep down

all i want to do is sleep and eat pat my bird which i can't 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for your bravery in posting, you've just taken your biggest positive step forward. Indeed it seems positivity is lacking and that includes loving yourself. So I'm going to include some links in my post here for you to read/incude yourself if you feel like it. The first is "Do you like yourself" which is a long term thread.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/do-you-like-yourself-your-thoughts-are-welcome/td-p...

Re: "...its hard to fine someone that likes me people but i dont think anyone would want someone thats broken" I dont agree Scottty, it more that they prefer bubbly happy people. This I believe is more the core issue, that until you find peace, begin liking yourself and become a more positive person, you'll find life tougher than it could be.

To i9mprove yourself in the right areas you might need to a/ not rely so much on people that arent fully understanding and that usually includes family and friends- so forums like this and therapy/group sessions is beneficial. 

Try not to underestimate the benefits of good sleep. Better to get up if you cant sleep for 20 minutes and watch TV or do a hobby than remain awake. Then go back to bed and you should fall the sleep easier. A GP can also send you to do a sleep study that will sort out any issues.

I would recommend motivation speeches. Track them down in your area.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

I suspect your High Functioning Autism is responsible for many of your social imperfections. However, we are all imperfect. What we should do is take the view that we can accept our illnesses but get the best out of ourselves. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/acceptance-is-this-our-biggest-challenge/td-p/14769...

Scottty, we can recommend, advise with our lived experiences, but the homework required has to be done, your research and putting in place some strategies mentioned above can result in a happier life. We cant do that work for you and so I implore you to try hard and consult your GP with your problems so he/she can guide you even further.

BTW, I'm obese, I had zero confidence when young and it was a tough road. I'm 67yo now and have been happy within my own skin for a long time.

Feel free to repost. Some members have been here a long time and have changed remarkably over their journey.

Well done so far!

TonyWK