I'm such a failure

[SBBZ]

First time posting here. English is not my native language, so hopefully what I'm about to say makes sense.
I have been in Australia for over 10 years, going to uni first and then settled down to work. Met my lovely wife at uni and got married 5 years ago.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 12, and experienced many ups and downs but never really been properly treated until moving to Australia.

Uni was relatively smooth sailing apart from one depressive episode that I came out of after a few months, without treatment. Working life is a lot more bumpy, with increasingly frequent episodes.
Almost every time, my depression was triggered by work, usually by a new job. Then I had to quit the job because I just couldn't handle the debilitating and paralysing feeling it brought. The depression goes away after a few months, with the help of antidepressants and talk therapy.

After 3-4 episodes during my not-so-long professional life, it was triggered again a few months ago by a new job. I just couldn't accept the fact that it's back again and again like groundhog day. I feel so hopeless that I ended up in hospital for 2 weeks. The hospital environment was not very ideal and I was discharged because I was deemed stable. Quite a relief for me because I felt extremely uncomfortable in the ward and I couldn't manage to sleep much at night.

I started to feel better after the discharge and went back to the job part time, only to realise that I just can't handle it, even though the team was very supportive and flexible to accommodate me. The nature of the job just made me anxious and unable to focus, think clearly and feeling nauseous the whole time. I resigned AGAIN.

I'm such a failure! My career hasn't progressed much over the years, and now I end up with yet another gap to explain to future employer. I just can't do this any more! I even contemplate changing career, but wouldn't that be another escape? Plus, with my current state of mind, I can't think of anything I'd like to do anyway...
I have a supportive partner, a good GP and psychologist. I know I tick all the boxes for depression and anxiety, but I sometimes think I'm just using them as an excuse to by lazy.

Sorry for the rambling. Already reaching the limit but I have a few more paragraphs to add ...

[White_Rose]

Hello SBBZ

I hope you enjoyed your day in bed. It is a good place to be especially after a hard night. I went back to bed this morning because the house was so cold. While it warmed up I had an extra snooze and I feel much better for it.

Trying to force yourself to do something is very hard and exhausting. Can you turn some of these into a positive result? I need to take meds which can make me feel nauseous if I don't eat. However the thought of eating makes me feel worse. So I make myself eat a small something which makes me feel better after a short while. Then I can eat something a little more substantial later. And yes it is irritating because I constantly need to keep on top of this.

The 'shoulds' in our lives can be overwhelming and trying to stop them by some sort of willpower is hard. Maybe it is better to say it would be useful to do ..... but just at the moment I cannot do so. Obviously it would not be good every time but if you are not constantly pushing yourself and getting tired a day off can be helpful.

It's taken me a long time to stop comparing myself to others for all sorts of reasons. I have felt the unspoken pressure to be like someone else, to carry out tasks etc because 'everyone' can do this. Not true. I used to manage my garden but now employ someone to do this as it is too much for me. Of course this does not apply to mental health problems (but it would be nice) we need to do this healing ourselves, but you get the picture I hope.

Please remember we are all fragile people and often hide our struggles from others. What appears on the surface is often far from the truth. Sadly this can result in someone taking their own life because of the pressure of pretending. Not that I think this is so for you, it is an extreme situation. So rest when you must and do the work when you can. I think you can do this more easily when you give yourself permission to take breather.

Mary