Hi naralle
My heart goes out to you so much as you find yourself at a level of depression that challenges you in so many ways. While so challenging, it's good that you can identify some of the key influences in your life that are leading you to really feel it. I'm not sure if it helps but I find some relief in not thinking 'What's wrong with me?' while instead questioning 'What depressing factors am I feeling at this time?'. In this case, it's less about finding fault in ourself while recognising our ability to feel at a depth that is so incredibly challenging.
I can't help but wonder whether you have anyone in your life who leads you to feel some positive difference in certain ways. The reason I wonder is based on how challenging it must be for you to not have your partner raise you in ways you really need to be raised. If you're someone who's a real feeler, I can imagine you can feel your husband's tone of voice, feel his words, feel his facial expressions, his sense of hopelessness and so much more. For someone who's able to feel so much and so deeply, this can take a toll. While it can be easy and heartbreaking to sense such things, from my own experience the challenge can also involve trying to gain a sense of what can be lacking. Coming here to the forums, you might discover that it's people who can relate to how you feel and what you're feeling that's been one of the things lacking, for example. To find such people and connect with them could be something you sense raising you, even if it's in the slightest way.
From my own experience with depression, I've come to see depression as being like a well. We may not feel ourself teetering on the brink. We may not even feel ourself a little ways in there (within that well or depression) but at some point we can feel ourself in there. From just inside the brink all the way down to rock bottom, there are so many levels in between. Can be so far from easy at times to identify why we can feel ourself having slipped a little further down and can be so far from easy at times to identify what it is that raises us toward that light at the top of the tunnel. Sometimes it's the tiniest movements upwards, that we find through the tiniest bits of motivation. You have been moved to come here. You have taken action to raise yourself. While it may feel like an act of desperation, in truth it is an act of self love. It's not always obvious when we are in the process of loving ourself back to life. ❤️
