I'm genuinely at my wits end.

[Dartz]

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but it was my best guess. I'm pretty much completely done with trying to fix anything in my life so I'm writing here as a last ditch effort.

For the past ~12 years I've been living with chronic depression, starting around the time I was in year 8 in high school. Since then, a lot of things have happened, my parents divorced, we moved away, I dropped out of school in year 11 and became my mother's disability carer. Since then, for the past 9 or so years, I feel like my life has become a genuine living hell. My mental health has not gotten better, despite trying multiple different medication, none seemed to work excellently, and I've since stopped taking them. The psychologists I saw felt like they didn't really want to listen to my problems properly, only provide solutions that are near impossible for me to achieve. My physical health is also terrible. In the past 5 years I've developed multiple chronic illnesses, giving me incredibly reduced mobility and horrid pain, to the point I cannot care for my mum anymore. I've applied for disability benefits multiple times, but have been constantly knocked back due to my conditions not being serious enough, (despite the fact I can barely walk some days). This also means I'm unable to work, so I'm essentially SOL on getting any sort of help there.

Now, on the topic of my mum. She's lovely some of the time, but she's not the nicest person and she has a tendency to verbally abuse me for hours on end if I say the wrong things. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. I've been wanting to move out for the longest time, but, as you can see, I don't have a way to get money, so I'm stuck here...

To top all this off, I've also got a lot of problems socially, I struggle to make and keep friends, I'm not a great person myself, and I'm often feeling anxious about things I've done or said as to why someone changes their vibe towards me. As of right now, I kinda don't really have a single friend to rely on, as I recently ditched a group of people I was hanging around with online.

This whole post is all over the place but right now I'm right on the tail end of another fight with my mum and I'm just too upset to write well. I feel like no matter what I do everyone just fails me, I'm just one of those people that's fallen through all of the damn cracks. I just wish I could be happy again.

[geoff]

Hello Dartz, I'm very sorry about the situation you are in, and firstly want to suggest a couple of things you can do, just to get this post moving along for you, and apologise for it being missed.

If you are carer for your as my son is for me, he has a house he can rent, so you can do the same.

Centrelink can provide the bond money and 2 weeks rent, which you slowly pay off, plus you can get rent assistance, because being your mum's carer doesn't mean you have to live with her.

The solutions the psychologist provides you with are their suggestions, we don't know whether or not they are correct until we try them, but let's get you started by replying back to you, as there is much more to discuss.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Dartz,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members. This is a safe space to share and express your own feelings, struggles and experiences without judgement.
 
We can hear from your post that you are having a difficult time in multiple areas at once and this can feel very overwhelming. As noted by fellow user Geoff, have you looked into separate housing so that you are not in the same house as your mum at all times. We understand that this may be difficult due to your employment situation, but we encourage you to seek out options. This site is a great resource for getting direction and assistance with housing, https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/living-arrangements .
 
We hope that you know, no one deserves to be abused verbally or otherwise and you should prioritize your own safety and mental wellbeing in this regard. We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ .
 
Please note, it’s worth remembering that immediate support is not available via the forums. Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The number of replies received will always vary from day to day.
 
If you need more immediate contact, please use our support service either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
We hope that you take the time to acknowledge all the hard work and effort you have put in just to get to this point. You have been facing multiple difficulties and feeling unsupported for an extended period, despite seeking help. We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community, we’re all friend here.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[Dartz]

Hey Geoff and Sophie, thank you for the replies.

Unfortunately, I've been told many times by my mum that if I move out, she will get rid of me as her carer. She's also told me that if I did move, her and my sister wouldn't be able to afford rent, so then they would need to move too. My sister is currently unemployed so we're essentially living off my payments and my mums pension. I also have no money saved up, as all my payments go right into her bank account, as when I first became her carer we agreed that that would be the simplest thing to do.

Guilt about displacing my family aside, the major problem I see with moving out right now is my lack of income. I'm obviously incredibly inexperienced when it comes to living as an adult, so I get very anxious and worried thinking about how I'm actually going to stay afloat. What happens after the initial support from Centrelink? How do I get a steady income if I'm unable to work, and the government isn't providing me the support I need? Can I live the rest of my life on Jobseeker payments and be happy? Am I going to have to take out loans? Am I going to fall into debt? Am I going to be homeless again? These are some of the questions I ask myself when I think about moving, and I honestly can't answer any of them. It's all incredibly overwhelming.

I'll touch on the psychologists I saw/my mums verbal abuse a little bit for context. I went to see two psychologists, one I only saw a few times and the other one I saw for about a year and a half. I explained to them my situation, about how I'm getting worse physically, my intentions to move out, and my social anxiety. They helped me get over my social anxiety at the start, and after that the suggestions they offered weren't that helpful. They really just told me to move out and get a job, but wouldn't listen to me when it came to my physical impairment/my family situation explained above as to why it isn't that simple. They were nice and were trying to help, I just don't think we were on the same level, I'm not sure.

As for my mum and her verbal abuse, she's extremely particular about how other people act and what they say, if she doesn't like your tone or words you say, she'll berate them relentlessly and just be a straight up horrid person. Last night I asked her if we could put the aircon on because it was hot, and I got yelled at for about an hour and a half about how horrible and worthless of a person I am. I'm running out of characters so I'll cut it short here.