I just dont get why I do this

[Crazy_train]

We once drove 12 hours for a 2 week holiday my wife and 2 girls, when we arrived at lunchtime all was good. At 3pm I was in the car on my way home alone. My wife and girls continued there holiday and ended up flying home when the holiday had finished and I picked them up from air port.

We flew in to Tasmania for a 2 week holiday and day 1 was excellent on day 2 at 1030 am I was by myself on a airplane flying back to Brisbane.

Guns and Roses concert I left before they came on stage, I got to see the cover band,

My wife paid $1500 to meet and greet kiss and have a fans lunch before the concert, I got there early and 10 mins before the actual event was suppose to start I took off like a rocket and went home.

My friends and extended family call me the great Houdini, I am an escape artist if I am at family or friends house it not unusual for them to find me missing, I could quietly slip away unnoticed and just go home without telling a sole.

At the footy with friends they were waiting for me to return with drinks, I was heading straight for the train station and went home.

I was a star football player 1st division captain and best and fairest at half time one day I just jumped in my car still with boots on and just took off home.

Grand final day again I am 1 of the better players everyone dreams to play in a grand final, I did not show up I sat at home on my own in my bedroom.

Grand final day number 2, after the siren I kicked a goal to win the game by 3 points it was the biggest win and celebration this club had ever seen, I did not turn up to the club that night for awards, dinner, party,

No matter where we are I will eat dinner stand up rinse my plate tidy my area and nobody says a thing they just no I have finished and I am ready to go home. I don't rush or hassle anyone else I will always get my own way home or return and pick up my wife and kids up.

I will answer people if they talk to me but if they get to talkative I will get up and leave, my kids don't seem to annoy me I can handle there noise, arguing, winging and demands but anyone else don't even try.

I hate appointments and times I have an appointment today, I am already sweating, worried, in a panic it annoys me having to go out I am starting to get angry.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Have you ever seen a therapist about this? They might help you understand it better.

Also just try some reflective writing (just in your private diary if you like). You can ramble on about what happened, how you felt, and just whatever comes to mind. If you don't know where to start, try answering some questions like the following. You might come up with some more questions yourself or find some more on Google.

What kind of times do I do this? What's the environment like? What are people doing? etc. What's going on when I do this?

How did I feel in these times? If you don't know, try on a bunch of random descriptive words for size (threatened, anxious, happy, hungry ...) and see how they fit. "Happy?" "Hmm, nah, that doesn't work". If you end up with any, think about "why did I feel X?"

What might happen that could hurt me (including indirectly hurting you, like by hurting loved ones) in these times?

[Debzmites]

wow crazy train, that's heavy! Have you considered seeing a therapist? a good psychologist can really help you identify your patterns, I am working on it now with mine.

I'm curious, what do you want to change? what do you want it to be like?

Deb

[Crazy_train]

Thank you for your response vegetarian marshmallow I appreciate the time you took, I am in the process of a voluntary hospital visit and rehab. I appreciate your ideas about keeping track or a diary it felt good to write something to myself an actually use a pen to paper rather than a computer it felt more natural.

Hello Deb thank you for your time and response,

I would love to able to sit through a whole movie my Mum and Dad often have a laugh as I can watch a movie and right at the ending with 10 mins to go I will give Mum a kiss and just go home.

I would love to be able to sit at friends house and just relax have a swim or a bbq, I would love to able to host friends for a dinner. I would like to change my approach on how I handle things when I get overwhelmed or challenged instead of either going silent or going angry like the incredible hulk. I would like to change my whole life that's what makes me scared. It feels like I am a baby and need to learn how to crawl then walk and so on. I only know how to be sad, moody, tired, sore, lonely and the funny thing is as much as I hate it I find it difficult to imagine me any other way.

I