So, im new to this, to talking about feelings even though i am a big advocate for my friends and family to talk about whats going on inside their heads, alot of them either deal or have dealt with depression and anxiety and im the kind of person that will bend over backwards to help in any way i can even if i get burnt in the end. However, i dont open up much at all, im super close with my mum and sister, super close with my Nan and my Pop (who we lost at the start of the year) At the end of it, i dont like to open up to them or seek help for myself out of some stupid mentality that "im a dude and we dont do this stuff" and that i also just dont want to be a burden. I am also super aware of my mind and where i am, like for instance i know i need help but at the same time im like well i can deal with it myself because its not that bad surely, and as you can tell i also suck at getting my point across and tend to drag things out. Theres a thousand things id like to get out there and probably not enough words to do it so ill try and keep it short.
I dont have a relationship with my father and havent really for about 10 years, it came to light about 5 years ago that he was cheating on my mother and i, from the age of 12, were having to fight him to protect my mother and sister. i know i have some deep seeded problem with him i should address at some point but i probably wont.
Since i was 12ish i dealt with depression and self harm which didnt help things with dad, ive tried to kill myself 2 times, but i dont have those thoughts anymore and havent for a long time.
I have a constant need to be liked and accepted which is exhausting, i am a very social person and i feel like ive lost myself in this character ive created to be accepted my people that i really, dont care for but do at the same time. I also can be pretty self destructive if in a down state of mind via drinking.
Losing my Pop hit us all very hard at, he dealt with depression and out of the whole family he was who i could talk to about things and vice versa. He was also very much the only father figure in my life and i looked up to him fondly and now hes gone i have some stupid feeling that i have to be the man in the family now, because he and i were the only males in our immediate families. I also blame my self for his death even though i know for a fact i couldnt prevent what happened (he collapsed and hit his head and couldnt make it out of the coma) but i still blame myself.
and im out, sorry.
