I feel in a deeper sense that my soul is being suffocated

[White_Ryano]

I am an individual that has prior lived experience with acute depression and suicidiation. at this point I am not seeing anyone in regard to therapy I am also not currently taking medication.

In the broader sense I am physically ok with a stable mental state (not requiring emergency intervention). but on the whole I just Hate my own identity to the level its beyond comprehension. I have been experiencing a personal crisis with my career for numerous years, I feel beyond trapped in this state because the career I have is literally the only way for me to earn a living. the writing is on the wall I require a change. 

A few months back I tried getting into study and I was quickly overwhelmed with the requirments of the course. to the point where I had to withdraw to protect my mental health. in light of this the resulting beliefs have left their mark on my psyche. that I feel paralyzed to make a progression away from the life I currently have. 

I have thought of suicide alot lately, but the truth of the matter is its not an option because I am also Christian. so it leads on to living my days out until the time comes that I eventually pass. throughout my life I have been gripped by porn addiction, throwing away my money to instant gratification pursuits that enable the attention of woman, primarily because I just feel like an absolute failure in life. Gaming has also been a form of escapism for me.

I know that life rewards effort, persistence and the resulting character. I just feel an overwhelming hollowness, like the devil is targeting me that no matter where I set my sights in life I will fail.

I am 39 years of age and totally feel invisible to the world around me. if I vanished the ripple effects would be negligible at most. 

[therising]

Hi White_Ryano

I think sometimes one of the hardest questions to answer in life is 'How to live life or come to life in more soulful ways?'. While we can find what floats our boat mentally and even physically (regarding some short lived excitement or satisfaction), there can definitely be times where we can still feel something missing or we can feel that there's something we're meant to be doing but the question is 'What?'.

Sometimes it doesn't take much to trigger a sense of a quest and then there are times where it takes more of a gradual or growing sense of discomfort. With a significant quest, I find there tends to be a heck of a lot of questions. 'What am I meant to be doing with my life? What's my purpose? Who am I really, as opposed to who I think I am? Why am I struggling so much?' and the list goes on. As a 56yo gal, I've found over the years that some depressions can be physically based (with some depressing chemical deficiency side effects), some can be mentally based and some can definitely have a 'dark night of the soul' vibe about them. From my own experience, the 3rd tends to hold the most questions while also having some physically and mentally depressing elements to it. With the ultimate question in such a depression being 'Why does life feel so soul destroying?', it precedes a natural deep dive into why exactly. In such a state it's natural to begin adding to a list entitled 'Everything in life that feels soul destroying'. It's about becoming more conscious. Absolutely a tough way to evolve or transition into a new stage of life but it's still an important part of the process. Another important part involves not doing it alone the whole of the time. Guides are a must at some points.

I'm wondering whether the course you wanted to study has a shorter or perhaps more condensed version of it out there somewhere (something less demanding). Maybe it could form a basis for a more lengthy and detailed version later down the track. If you feel the course you want to do is really calling you to do it, don't give up on answering the call. This somewhat different approach to your calling could act like a bit of a 'sneak peek' version into what you want to do and who you want to become. And when it comes to the devil on one shoulder/angel on the other, I've found it pays to be conscious of what I turn my attention to. Anything depressing or devilish tends to point to the need to focus in the other direction. For example, on one side our inner dialogue can sound like 'You're hopeless, you'll never get anywhere', on the other it tends to sound more like something along the lines of 'You think you're hopeless and you think you'll never get anywhere. Not true. Think again'.