Hi Jo
What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. I really believe that.
Your description of roller coast is brilliant. What you’ve been going through has been horrendous for you, then smack, bang, wallop, you find out that it will be ‘ok’ to see your parents and so you go and visit them and that was an emotional blast of immense proportions for you. Happy and stressful at the same time. It’s no wonder you’re feeling the way you are.
On top of this, you’ve only just attended your grandma’s funeral … and as I’ve said before, funerals have got to be one of the hardest things to attend in this world. So that takes a tremendous amount of will power and energy to get yourself “up” to attend that only to know that afterwards it’s going to be riding that rollercoaster downhill and fast.
You say you feel that everything should be back to normal … you feel that, but I bet you don’t believe that. It can’t possibly go back to normal … I’ve had immense drama in my family as well and things will never be the same again. This hurts my Mum almost on a daily basis, but things have happened and now we just live with how things are now (I guess all the time though, having the knowledge of what happened in your mind as a kind of bad scar in the memory bank). You’ll have this as well … BUT I can see where things can mend themselves a little bit. But it will be a slow process and has to be that way … over time and to know that the mending won’t ever be a massive turnaround.
However Jo, when you look at what things were like, say, 3 weeks ago … and see the difference right now, I’ll bet you’d settle for how it is now every day of the week, yeah??
You say you should be happy? Why? Did you win Powerball last night? (ps: just for the record, I didn’t) You’re still in deep depression … and you’ve just been to a funeral. Give yourself some time to chill for a little while and if you can, try to give the over analysing of things a rest for a little while … and you know, it’s ok to accept that you’ve got this illness and to accept that it’s making you feel constantly sad. These feelings will eventually lessen with time, with professional guidance and with medication and appropriate therapy. It will be a process to go through, but I believe in you Jo … and so does everyone else here on Beyond Blue.
Ok ok, I’ve rambled again, but if you’ve been able to take something out of the above (even if it’s the knowledge that “No, I didn’t win Powerball last night), then I feel as though I’ve made a bit of a contribution to you. And to me that is a very worthy cause.
Cheers
Neil
