I feel alone

[roses5668]

Not quite sure the point of posting this, but I've been really struggling today for the first time in a while. I have depression and anxiety and am on medication for years now, but today the depression and sadness was a lot. I wonder if I'm alone in this feeling, but to me it almost feels as though someone died that feeling when your heart is heavy and to breathe hurts. It just feels like I need to cry all day. But my life is good, and when my partner asks why I'm sad, all I can say is "I don't know," and I know that frustrates him because he wants to help but can't. I feel as though I'm being annoying for feeling upset without any reason, and maybe it annoys him too, because I sit in silence crying, and it feels as though he doesn't care because he sits next to me in silence, saying nothing. But I know he does care anyway, that's not the point. The point is, I feel sad, and I'm scared it won't stop. I've been through this before, many times, but I'm still terrified and in some ways i just want to stop it all, i’ve tried before but i can’t do that again because it hurt too many people.

[mills]

I dont know if i can say much to help, because honestly i cant really,  personally i cant comprehend others understanding or feeling the same way as i do, so then i think that mentality applys to everyone, anyway what im trying to say no matter how alone you feel in this feeling, your not sweetie, i myself get that heavy heart feeling and lately its been really heavy, its scary i know, the thoughts, the self hate, the feeling nothing but everything all at once, i to feel annoying and a burden for bawling my eyes out or being upset for no reason with my partner and all he can do is sit with me, yet the exhaution and lack of self esteem makes me believe he doesnt care which is what makes me feel so alone, it might be different in your case as nobody can fully understand another indivdual, but i see you and i hope you know you are loved even by a complete stranger. I dont know you at all but yk what im proud of you, because i know how belittling and scary and upsettinly reptitive it can get and you just really really want it all to stop so I hope you take something away from this and if not well that makes two of us 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Roses5668, & welcome to the forums.

I don't think I need to tell you, 'You are not alone'. If you take a look into these forums, you will soon see many people experiencing anxiety & depression, to a greater or lesser degree. Young people, older people, single people, couples & in families.

Thing is, when feeling deeplyy depressed, it's awfully difficult to see beyond yourself.

I'm encouraged to read, you acknowledge having a good life & a good & caring partner, even if it seems he's distant.

Maybe that's because he doesn't know what to do or say to help, which is frustrating.

Can you think of anything, even a small thing, you could tell him to give him something he can do for you?

It could be : a cup of soup, or if he could cut up some fruit for you, which could help you to keep eating.

I can remember times when it was so difficult just getting up to make a bowl of cereal for myself. I would have liked someone who would try to get me to eat, even though I would have also felt awkward about it.

Or maybe ask him to do your hair.

Or just to sit & tell you about his day. You might get into a conversation with him.

I also remember playing chess with my father when was going through a period of depression. & I felt awkward, because I'm not good at chess at all, & didn't know much about what to say to him. I think, just that I was there, moving pieces in turn with him, did actually help.

You might recognise that leaving you to sit in your depression is not what you need. I think, it's useful to keep pushing back at it, keep reaching out & climbing up.

You already know, this period of depression won't last.

& decide now, because you know how 'ending it' would hurt people you care about, what you will do instead.

Talk to someone, let them know, even if it means calling 000, because you feel you are on the verge, call them. Otherwise, call Beyond Blue. call Lifeline, if you prefer. If you let your partner know, this is a time he could be of great help to you.

I'm so glad you came here today. It takes courage, to keep on when all you want to do is stop.

Hugzies,

mmMekitty