I dont know

[geelt]

i dont know. maybe i just want to have someone i can talk to. i dont have anyone in my life i can confide in. i keep going in circles and end up here again. i cant seem to relax or destress and it just builds up. i dont feel rested or energised. 

im losing more and more control over my emotions. all i can do is bottle how i feel up. i dont have any way to deal with my emotions healthily and it just comes out as anger. i journal and write how i feel in an exercise book but its gotten to the point where writing down how i feel makes me feel frustrated and angry and annoyed and i end up tearing the page with the pen im using. i dont like how it feels to lose control. 

i stopped going for walks, everything outside feels hostile. cars always zooming by, the path is always crooked and uneven  branches keep hanging in my face and people dont smile back. 

i havent been doing mindfulness and meditation. i cant detach from my thoughts. my thoughts dont want to leave my head. ive been trying to listen to relaxing stories to fall asleep but they dont work. i need to find something that works for me but nothing works. 

im an idiot that knows i need to improve my health but nothing sticks. stopped going to the gym because i could do the 40 minute walk on a good day but not on a bad one and the bad days keep on happening. 

ive started cooking my own food but im eating less and less because i cant find space to cook undisturbed. cant do anything without hearing someone complain

[geelt]

I've spent all this time resisting change. Everyone's words falling on my deaf ears. You can only try to help someone so much before it stops being worth trying. What am I trying to accomplish by asking the same questions and waiting to hear the same answers. 

What I need to do isn't impossible, its difficult but it isn't something I can't do if I put my mind to it. Getting out of this funk isn't impossible, I just keep making things more difficult than it needs to be. All my problems are my own doing, I choose to let things affect me. 

I'm tired of myself. Tired of the same problems I don't approach right. Choosing to keep on living in a way that makes me miserable because its easier. Easier than trying and failing. Easier than feeling discomfort or pain or embarrassment. I choose to let every tinge of embarrassment, every insignificant event that made me feel any negative emotion stick with me and keep me up. It builds up because I choose not to let go, both physically and emotionally. I let the past and memories of the past weigh me down and stop me from moving forward. I can't bear to part with anything. 

I choose to struggle I choose to go nowhere I choose to do nothing and let time fly by. 

[geelt]

Auto pilot living life on autopilot doing nothing just distracting myself.

Restrictions, I'm always having to stop myself. I feel like I always have to control and stop myself. Bottling up everything and distracting myself from what I can't bottle. I need to always control my actions and bottle up my emotions. I don't want others to get mad at me and I don't want to hurt people with my actions. Even not wanting to talk or deal with people causes hurt. I don't like the feeling of losing control, I know losing myself to frustration and anger is wrong. Giving in to destruction just makes me feel weak. I don't want to make noise so I'll throw a pillow but it doesn't feel good. It just makes me feel empty and the rush of losing my temper makes me feel empty and how futile it is to give in to anger. I try to hold things together when nothing goes my way, I can't get mad but I'll sigh in frustration. People comment calling me a baby or that I have anger issues when all im trying to do is not get frustrated and worked up over all the restrictions I place on myself so no one gets mad at me for doing things wrong. I try not to lash out I try not to cause harm I try to make things work when things dont work for me. I get overwhelmed and have to control myself but still hear people complain that i have anger issues. If things dont go my way, if things are unintuitive and just dont work for me. If I need to force myself to do things in a way that doesnt work for me I cant react. Im not allowed to react or ill be having anger issues. Nothing goes my way I can't control things If i have any response its anger issues. If I put up with everyones problems and everyone making problems for eachother and no one talk to eachother so i have to do it all and i get mad after having to keep up with everyones nonsense I have anger issues. If I take a deep breath and sigh and stifle all negative emotions I have anger issues. I have to control and restrict myself to make sure i dont cause any problems because im clumsy and stupid and I have anger issues if i react negatively. I cant yell I dont want to yell and hurt people so I have anger issues. I feel overwhelmed and helpless so I have anger issues. I hate how people look at me if they fear me. I try to control myself so I dont get angry but people keep prodding me and annoying me and when I raise my voice or look angry they get scared and it kills me inside. I dont want to control people with anger or fear. I dont want to hurt anyone so i put up with everything so I dont make people scared. I crush myself so I dont hurt others. 

I try keeping a journal but feel so powerless and frustrated I end up scribbling and digging deep with the pen and ripping pages. I feel disgusted at myself for losing control of my emotions. Disgusted I ruined a book. if i could control myself and not me be i wouldnt do this but i feel so pahetic. I feel like i have no control anywhere so i take it out on an innocent book. my family isnt bad im not being forced to do things. im not their slave they dont treat my like a slave. its all self imposed. i want to help but theres only so much i should be doing and i overstep. trying to help causes more harm. 

[geelt]

I'm feeling low. Don't feel like doing anything. Been 2 days since I talked to anyone. I don't feel like talking to anybody I don't have the energy to deal with anything. Still eating but don't have much of an appetite. 

Reducing screen time and technology use, it isnt worth distracting myself or mindlessly wasting time. Filling my time by reading or doing simple exercises. I don't feel like reading at the moment but will keep reading the book I have later. 

Whats going to happen after I get out of this funk. Things will carry on like normal, nothing really much will have changed. Fall back into the same patterns, same routines.

I don't feel like I will ever be truly happy. Happiness never is guaranteed. Feeling positive feeling joy is not important. You don't need to be happy to live. You can live perfectly fine without being happy. I just need to do things to stop myself from feeling worse. Doing the bare minimum for my health isn't impossible. Everything can be done. Just need to get rid of all the nonsense in my head. Worrying wont solve anyting. Getting mad wont accomplish anything. Struggling wont make things easier. I'm not at my best so i shouldnt compare myself to who i used to be. I atrophied so I need to work myself back to a higher base line. Anything is better than continuing to do nothing. If I'm not ready to work or study again I shouldn't force progress. I shouldnt be making things harder for myself just to catch up to the past that used to be attainable. I let time pass and get out of my reach. I cant expect things to have stayed the same while I have. I'm not special or talented, I don't need to be. I'm not perfect and I don't need to be perfect to function. There are problems and unknowns but I don't need a blinding light to illuminate every mystery to be able to navigate. It would be nice if things were perfect it would be nice if things were better but they dont need to be for me to try or put in the work. 

[geelt]

What am I doing. What am I trying to accomplish by doing this. It isn't the end of the world. I'm better than this. It's only feels bad now. I am the only one that can help myself. 

[geelt]

Hello,

I feel like I'm being childish, throwing a tantrum when I can't stand how things are and the same problems and inaction. Haven't talked to anyone since Thursday. No ones reaching out and I don't expect them to. Whole family was never really close to begin with.

I don't want to keep this up but I can't go back and act like nothing happened. I'm being stubborn, I feel like I shouldn't be given a pass for how I'm acting. I needed space and I don't want to pick up the pieces but I know things will only get worse the more I put it off. Crawling deeper in my shell. I know I shouldn't let things get any worse. Spending all day in my room not talking to anyone. I don't want to go through all the steps and hassle to go outside.