I dont know what to do anymore.

[Taylor94]

I have recently found out that i am pregnant, ive only been with my partner for roughly 5 months and we are engaged but we do love each other a lot and know that we wanna spend the rest of our lives together. And i am okay with this but the issue is that he has another daughter to a previous ex partner (i love this little girl, she is so amazing), his ex is very childish and spiteful towards me and my partner, and now that she know that i am pregnant it has gotten worse. She has asked me to not bath, change or dress her daughter, which i have respected but lately she seems to keep making comments that put me down and makes me feel like im not gonna be a good enough mother to my own child or hers and has been causing so much drama and conflict. I have tried to let it go and not let it get to me but since the pregnancy my GP had taken me off my anti-depressants and im starting to feel so low and hateful towards myself. My partner has been understanding and caring but everything is taking its toll on him too and i dont know what to do anymore or what the right decision is.
We both have family dramas going on, he has to deal with his ex's verbal and emotional abuse (as she likes to use his daughter against him) and now with my mental health feeling like its declining fast, im left feeling like maybe this baby isnt a good idea but the thought of terminating is so heart breaking.
I cant dicuss this with my family as they would not understand and i dont really have any friends i can confide in either. My partner said he will stand by and support whatever i choose but i know he wants this baby so much. I have no idea what the right move to make is and i feel so lost and alone, which is making my mental health worse...

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well, I hope you keep your baby because you deserve all the right ans pleasures of your own child with a committed partner.

This ex wife of his is out of line. Jealousy is more common than what people realise. There is ways of dealing with your situation however so I'd like to mention how that can be done. I'm experienced with step parent situations and had a mean ex wife also that made life hard for me. She also demonised me to me children and one daughter has taken her words as true and I'm estranged from her, she is 27yo. It's very sad. My eldest I'm close to and she came to live with me at 12yo. She is 31yo now.

First off you have no obligation as a step parent to communicate to her. Your obligation is to your partner and his little girl when the latter is in your presence. Your partner does have an obligation to communicate to his ex wife but only on topics that involve the safety and welfare of their child- nothing more. Things life his child's visitations/access on weekends etc can or should be done legally and a court order stipulating the parents obligations are a must have. This will ensure he has permanent access at certain times. If that has happened then he only needs to arrive at her house and the child enter his car and thats it- sure friendly hello's and goodbye's are to the benefit of the child as there wont appear to be animosity but with how you described her childishness there is little hoe for that.

These boundaries, not letting her talk to you also insulates you from abuse. Let her lay down some rules- dont let these demands upset your life because that is what she wants.

Your husband is in control of his child when in his care. He can wash her etc until she is old enough to care for herself. You dont have to prove to his ex that you will be a good mother. The sooner you create that boundary the happier you both shall be. Also I would ask your partner is he could limit the amount of information he has about his communication with her. You dont need to know the details of his ex's nastiness for example.

I had to endure 14 years of nastiness from my ex wife. Every drop off and pick up of our children resulted in a smurk or nastiness. When my youngest reached 18yo and child support ceased I told her bluntly "never talk to me again". My happy life then started. I'm suggesting to you that you will not change this womans attitude so better to change your own towards the situation.

You'll be a great mum.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Taylor94,

Congratulations! You're going to be a mum, your partner supports you and is welcoming of the news, and you will make a great family together - I see why the ex is jealous but Tony is right that it's not your responsibility, particularly when you find yourself questioning the veracity of having your own child simply because of disparaging comments from anyone.

Perhaps you could try to offer her support as she may fear losing touch with her daughter as the family unit expands - she does sound conflicted with her unreasonable demands for 'hands off' which would not be in her daughter's interests to receive the care she deserves without fear of 'corruption'. In fact, I don't believe it would be healthy to distance yourself in that regard - she is your partner's daughter also and you have his authority in equal measure for interaction as deemed appropriate. Respecting that you will never usurp her mother should not limit your involvement in the interests and welfare of the child and the ex is being particularly petulant in this regard.

I suspect that coming off AD's will have rebounded to make you feel worse than you should - a period of readjustment may see things balance out to a semblance of normality. Indulge yourself in the joy of your own child to contribute to and enhance the beautiful relationship you presently have with your partner.

Regards,

t.