I Don't Like Being Antisocial

[Vitto]

I suffered with Social Anxiety all throughout my teens and 20s.

It began very early into my High School years. 

I did not want to get on anybody's bad side, so I went into my shell and did not do much talking.

I rarely spoke unless spoken to and had an irrational discomfort sharing my like/dislikes fearing this would lead to ridicule. 

Obviously, this made it very hard to establish any sort of strong friendships.

I had no real friends leaving school, which lead to bouts of loneliness and depression.

I went to a GP for help and tried medication and therapy.

Both worked, to an extent. I became less worried about what others thought of me.

I got a job and joined a local sport club.

I don't think Anxiety is an issue any more. 

However, I am depressed at my complete lack of social skills.

Simply put - I don't know how to talk to people.

I have nothing to say. I don't know what questions to ask.

I've had friends for a couple of years now. They like and respect me for my character.

I fear that they will eventually tire of my boring personality and inability to have a simple conversation.

When one-on-one with someone I feel sorry for them, that I make it so awkward, having nothing to say.

In a group, I sit with nothing to say. Conversation goes on around me, I think it would make little difference if I was there or not.

When this happens I feel pathetic - I think I'd rather be alone, than feeling so useless.

It is even worse with strangers.

I feel I’ll never be able to have a romantic relationship, because I cannot communicate adequately, and that would frustrate a partner.

I have always felt out of the loop.

This may be because I am not big on Social Media.

It's like everybody has the same interests and knows everything about everybody and everything, except me.

Family/Friends have done a lot of travel - I have not.

Family/Friends have the same list of restaurants they want to try - I have heard of none of them.

This all makes it very hard to add to an ongoing conversation.

I wish more than anything I could be more engaging.

[indigo22]

Hi Vitto,

Welcome and thank you for sharing a little about yourself. I cannot say that I know how you feel (never had social anxiety) but I can say that I feel for you and would like to support you in any way I can. I can understand your feeling of loneliness, it's difficult to come out of the shell and feel confident. It sounds like you only have trouble communicating face to face because you certainly don't have trouble communicating here. So how about you start here and work your way up to communicating face to face, once you begin to open up you may start to develop confidence with your friends. I am sure it matters to your friends if you are there or not, my guess is they are giving you the time you need. I don't have anything to do with social media either, I have been dealing with depression for a long time and I find it overwhelming and, let's face it, most of it is pretty frivolous anyway. There is no rule that says you need to be a social butterfly to make firm friendships or even to find a partner, so my advice is to go easy on yourself about that. You said you have tried medication and therapy that helped, are you still getting that support? One thing I was thinking might help you, but I don't know if you are up for it, is to perhaps try a group therapy where you can open up at your own pace around people who can support and encourage you. This may be a way to foster your confidence in a safe environment. I would be interested to continue this conversation if you feel comfortable. I will follow your post so I will get a notification if you decide you want to talk some more.

I hope that this has been a little helpful.

Take care

indigo22

[therising]

Hi Vitto

I think 2 of the hardest things to manage in life at times can involve 1)developing social skills and 2)being our natural self. Such things can actually be quite stressful. I've found making better sense of why the struggle is there is half the battle. Making better sense of things is kind of like 'Aha, so that's what stopping me'.

I think figuring out our nature can go toward explaining a lot. For example, if you're someone who's full of wonder and can be led to wonder about pretty much anything, the easiest conversations to manage can be wonderful (wonder filled) ones. A lack of wonderful conversations can keep the best in us from coming to life. Some wonderful (wonder filled) conversations can be about absolute nonsense, the kind of conversations that can generate a lot of laughs. So instead of conversations about politics, which may be boring, how about 'Have you ever wondered about what kind of reaction the Prime Minister would get it he held a press conference dressed in women's clothing?'. Absolute nonsense but it can lead to other highly imaginative and amusing conversations. Knowing that small talk triggers our nervous system can be a handy thing to know too. 'So, what have you been up to?' sets mine off. Sets off inner dialogue too with stuff like, 'What are you going to say? You haven't been doing anything amazing. You're going to appear boring. Quick! Quick! Think of something'. Usually the typical response is 'Not a lot, just the usual stuff' and then I fall into a pit of self chastisement and despair as that statement puts a sudden and awkward end to the conversation.

While I used to think 'What's wrong with me?', when it comes to social awkwardness at largish events, something I came to realise is...pretty much everyone is drinking a social relaxant. Without alcohol as a social lubricant, half of them would appear as uncomfortable as me. Non drinkers are forced to develop social skills.

If we're socialised as kids, it's much easier. Personally, both my parents weren't big socialites, so I never developed skills as a kid. On the other hand, my daughter's partner is a social butterfly. His parents were always participating in social events, so he learned a lot through their example.

I've found another factor that can help explain some social anxiety comes down to being a natural 'feeler'. If we can feel our lack of confidence, feel our sense of awkwardness, feel our nervous system going into flight mode, feel the amount of sound/stimuli in the room (at large events), feel people judging us and so much more, it can sometimes involve managing the ability to feel so easily. For example, if you can feel sound, it becomes about managing that ability. My 18yo son manages large social events with earplugs. While they block out the majority of sound, he can still hear people in conversation while not feeling all the background noise. While sound is technically a form of energy, the earplugs help him manage the volume of energy that can impact his nervous system.

There can be a huge combination of factors that can contribute to our social anxiety. Instead of asking 'What's wrong with me?', I find it's so much better for self esteem to ask 'Why do I tick the way I do?'. At 53, I'm still learning about what makes me who I am as well as learning about what is going to lead me to become who I wish to be. What skills or habits do I need to look at developing? What research do I need to do? Doesn't matter what age we are when we step foot on the path to greater self understanding, what matters is that we take the first step. Always helps to have a guide 🙂

[JustanNPC]

Heya Vitto.

Yoour being too hard on yourself. A conversation is as much listening as it is talking. Theres nothing wrong with just being there and takibg everything in, because when you do speak up, it's usually more impactful to those around you.

You mentioned your family/friends go on trips and such and you didn't which makes conversation hard. Try going with them to things. You don't have to worry about being the conversation master while at a restuarant or whatever, just take everything in and enjoy the experience, the rest will flow naturally. 

Social anxiety happens because we overthink things, and are so concerned about how we will be perceived that we freeze up and don't say anything out of fear.

It's ingrained into our consciousness because societal standards have emphasised the importance of having certain social rules maintained. Like when someone asks how you're doing, your first response is usually "im doing good', even if life is terrible for you at that point.

It's the same with small talk, we either say the same things over and over, or we get so caught up in trying to think of the perfect topic we end up claiming shut. 

My point being, conversations should be about trying to express interest in the other person. Don't think too hard about it, and don't put pressure on yourself to speak up unless you want to. Sometimes listening to how others make smalltalk is the best way to learn how to steer a conversation.