I don't know what to do anymore

[Someone11]

I went off my meds a few weeks ago. I have no family, my few friends live in another state and I don't feel ok.

I' m scared that my marriage will fail and I'll be completely alone in the world. I keep thinking of self-harming, not because I want to die, but because I just don't want to have to live for a little while. I would want someone to find me straight away, and tell me I can just go live in a hospital for a little while and not be responsible for anything .

I don't know how to be close to people and I feel dead.


beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Jacko777]

Perhaps you can ring the Support Service Someone11, it will make you feel better to talk to someone. Did you take yourself off the meds or as prescribed?

Self harming might seem like a solution but it may not go the way you hope, in fact it could be very bad and we don't want that. Hey I am so glad you are talking about this, these things you are facing can be addressed and people on this site care that you find some help.

So when you say you don't feel ok, what are you feeling? 

[HelenM]

Dear Someone11

I'm sorry that you're in such a bad place at the moment.

The way you're talking it sounds as though you really need to be looked after at the moment. From what you're saying I imagine your partner can't/won't support you. Is it possible (I don't know as I live in Scotland) to be admitted to hospital without it being an emergency.

Were your meds not working or were there bad side effects? Is there other treatment you could try?

Please post again so that people here can support you.

Helen

[Neil_1]

Dear 11  (I think if I called you Someone, I'd feel it was just a bit too impersonal - hope that's ok)

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Your post however is quite concerning with what you've written ALTHOUGH it is very pleasing to read that you are married.  How is your relationship going with your husband/wife?  (I'm sorry I don't think I could determine whether you're the hubby or the wife).  Are they aware of how you're feeling?

How long have you been married and do you have any children?

Ok, so you're friends are in another state - have you moved at some stage due to work or other things so that you're no longer close to them?   When you were with your friends, were you feeling better about things?

I'm sorry I'm banging all these questions to you, but if we can get a better idea of the situation you're in, we'll be better informed to determine what advice we can give;  on top of the support to you.

One last one - when you went off your meds:   did you do that under GP supervision (as in did your GP advise you to go off them)  AND are you now feeling worse that you're off them?

I'll shut up now, cause I feel like I've bombarded you with questions - but 11, I do hope that you can get back to us so we can write to you some more.

Kind regards

Neil

[AGrace]

Hi S11,

Welcome, and thanks for sharing your experience at the moment.

I wanted to point out that you don't need to be self harming in order to go into hospital. Are you seeing a Psychiatrist at the moment? You have 2 choices, you can either go to the emergency department of your nearest hospital, or if you have private hospital cover you can speak with a Psychiatrist about an admission. I think so many of us wait until our symptoms are acute before we seek such a high level of care, and yet it's easier to manage your condition if you speak up sooner rather than later.

You could also speak with a Psychologist/Psychiatrist about doing some group therapy for self esteem or social anxiety.

What is your partner's opinion of how you're feeling? Are you able to open up to him, like you have done here?

It's also possible for you to go back on your medication if you feel that coming off of them has left you worse off.

Will you let us know where you are at in terms of treatment?

AGrace

[Someone11]

Thanks for your replies everyone. 

Things just feel so hard right now. I've been married only a couple of months, and my husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. It's hard because sometimes I need him but he needs me more.

I went off my meds because it affecting my relationship. My husband felt like they weren't helping, just making me a zombie. I started taking them when I was 16, 12 years ago and I had originally planned to switch to different pills, I ended up just stopping them all together. I felt like it was time to see who I am without them. Sometimes I'm fine, other times all I can think about is how I don't know if I made the right decisions, and maybe I should just run away. But then things would be so much worse because then I'd be completely alone and my life would be even more empty. 

i just feel like my life is running away without me. I go through the motions to get through the work week, but then I sleep to much on the weekends and never get anything done that I want to do. 

I emailed my therapist and asked to make my next appointment sooner, and she got back to me right away, so I feel good about that.

I know this is probably really jumbled, but I'm really grateful to you all for giving me a place to vent, and for supporting me. I'm sorry I didn't reply to you all individually.

[Neil_1]

Hi there S11

Thank you so much for your kind response back - and one global email back to us all is all you need to do.  No need for individualised ones - we understand that coming here and posting can be enough for people, so to receive one response back is great.

And be jumbled as you like - I know I am a lot of the time.  🙂

That sounds very good regarding your therapist and your upcoming appointment.  Just a piece of advice, if you've got a bad memory, like I do - what I do is to write things down on a piece of paper - things that are concerning me;  jot as many down as I can, and take that along to your appointment.  You may not need it, but in case you feel as though you're forgetting something, you've got it with you to refer too.

I would also talk to your GP about a different kind of medication as well - as not all meds have that bad side effect of going into a zombie like state.  Something to think about.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jacko777]

Hi S11,

I'm glad you will see your therapist, you can make a fresh plan for a better future. Life can be challenging, the harder it gets the more I need to meditate, even for a short time, each day. I take time out to focus on something positive, happy and calm. It slows my head down for the rest of the day and it teaches my monkey mind to focus on positive things, not negative things. 

With a calm and clear mind, possibly with your therapist, you can work out if you have 'made the right decisions.' Then you can make a truthful decision to stay or leave, but walk, don't run!

I fully understand you would want to get off your meds, so did I. However, I guess you know that your moods and emotions would still be affected, as you have only come off them a few weeks ago? I think you are meant to ramp them down over several months...no...I didn't either. Love to you mate.

[geoff]

dear S11, here we read so many posts that affect individual people that's it's really an upsetting thread to know what you are going through with, and very distressing, so we are pleased that you have contacted us.

Your husband's feeling that the med's you were on were making you a zombie, maybe true or maybe it's his illness that is making him say this, so it really depends on what you think, and by no means am I taking any aim at your husband.

It's not easy to be in a marriage or a relationship when one partner is suffering from depression, because trying to cope with their illness affects you as well in so many different ways, so there's a fine balance here, and it's not easy to get the right one.

So we have a choice, do we make sure that, say, your husband is taking his med's and having counselling and he or you have a support system set up for him, or do we need to get our own backyard in order first, which means that you are also having counselling as well as having your med's or AD reviewed so that you can face the ongoing trauma.

It's then a catch 22 situation, but I believe that it's you who has to get help to be able to stabilise your moods, because if this doesn't happen then you are going to self harm, run away or fall into the pit of depression and then there will never be any chance of keeping the marriage alive.

These circumstances can obviously change due to mitigating situations, and it also depends on what you really want to do.

If you wanted to switch to a new AD 12 years ago, then you knew that they weren't working properly, or perhaps your doctor had suggested that he/she wanted to do this, but instead you stopped them, and this may not have been the right solution, because it's always wise to talk to your doctor, however it's been done.

But I urge you like what the others have said is to go and talk to your doctor or if you still have a psychiatrist, as I'm not sure if your therapist is one and talk about different medication.

So basically you should really stabilise your moods before you can cope with his illness, and if you don't then it will only get worse, and I'm so sorry to say that.

Please take care and we would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[HelenM]

Dear S11

Everyone has given such good advice that I only have a little bit to add.

The desire to run away is a symptom of depression. Whilst we're depressed it's unwise to make life changing decisions.

I'm glad you're going to see a therapist.

Take care, Helen