I can’t keep going

[masterm6]

I’ve been struggling with depression caused by loneliness for half my life, and since I turned 30 it has gotten so much worse. The point where I can’t even get out of bed on the weekend and I just can’t stop thinking of ending it all.

last week the people closest in my life decided to cut me out of theirs because they found some rants about my anger and frustrations about certain aspects on the world on reddit.

now I feel like I have no one and it’s not a life I think I can live.

I can’t sleep, can’t eat, I find no enjoy anything I do on my life. I see a therapist and have tried medication but nothing works.

i just don’t know what to do

[Sophie_M]

Hey masterm6,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. We’re sorry to hear how hopeless things are feeling. That must be incredibly difficult. No one should have to feel alone through this.  

We can imagine how distressing last week must have been for you. We hope you can treat yourself gently- you are going through a really tough time.

It can feel frustrating when we are doing all the 'right' things and yet still not feeling how we would like to feel. If you ever want to chat, please do not hesitate to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking it through and working out options for more support.   

We’d also really recommend checking out the Beyond Blue safety planning app if you haven’t already. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline (13 11 14) and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like. 

We are here sitting with you 💙

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[masterm6]

Thanks Sophie

i just don’t know how I can’t treat myself gently, everyone else in my life has made it clear I’m not worth being around so why should I feel any different about it

[Harlow88]

Hey buddy,

I saw your post and had to reply. 
I can hear your pain and feelings and unfortunately, these feelings are so common. 

I work in the medical industry and sometimes the medication just doesn’t work for one as it does for another and that’s ok!

Sometimes it’s so tricky to find one that works for you. I also started a medication and it made me feel like “me” again, so please keep trying. 

In regards to your family, do you WANT to be around people who could so easily turn their backs you because of you expressing your feelings?

Thats up to you to decide but you deserve better. Family doesn’t have to be blood related. That’s the amazing thing of being in your 30’s, YOU can choose who you want in your life. 
In my 30’s I became more confident in my opinions and values and boundaries. 
It might take you a bit longer but you can do this, honestly. And not everyday is a good day, but you have to make the choice to get up out of bed, have a bite to eat until your appetite returns and be the amazing person you are. 
Please take care of you and feel free to contact me if you’d like to. 
Harlow xo

[masterm6]

I appreciate your kind words Harlow.

it’s just so hard, I thought after so long I’d finally found that family I always wanted to be a part of.

but they cut me out without even talking to me and it just made me feel so worthless, that I can’t open myself up to anyone for fear that whatever I say will come back to haunt me and people will use it against me