I am suffering from depression

[Euphie]

I’ve been suffering for a long time, while recently I lost the one I love the most, my grandmother, she was everything to me, she raised me, and my real parents were not involved so much in my life as my grandparents, I’ve spent 17 years with them before I started my life alone in Australia. I still feel the grief and sadness that makes me cannot sleep and work, but I have to work to pay all the bills. My work is really intense and stressful, I feel like I am always chasing the deadlines. When I finish my work I feel exhausted but I still cannot sleep well when things remind me that my grandmother passed. Now I have no idea how can I find the peace and get away from all the depression and anxiousness.

 I feel sad and guilty when I start to feel happy again, because my grandmother cannot see and feel the same.

Can you talk how you walk through the grief process if you experienced this before?

[Croix]

Dear Euphie~

Welcome to the Forum, a place where you can find others who have experienced depression and loss, and you may see how some coped

I'll briefly talk about depressions - and anxiety, as I have both of those on and off, have done for many years. They were not things I could handle by myself, it took taking a doctor into my confidence, then medication and therapy - and family support - to get me to the good place I'm at today. Not 'cured', but life is manageable and indeed often enjoyable

If you are not already getting medical assistance can I suggest you do get some, maybe starting wiht a visit to your GP

Grief at the loss of people you love is something else. It leaves a huge hole in one's soul. Sadly I've lost a wife, my laughter in law and others plus my grandparents, who like you meant more to me than my parents. Each has left me bereft and with no idea which way to turn

I can't find any timescale for grief to lessen, and for me it remains inside, though it has changed. Partly because of other events in my life, and partly because my memory of those departed has changed

I can now look at photos of my wife and smile, because we were doing something amusing, and she was laughing in the photo. It is not disrespectful or any form of betrayal to have happy memories, or enjoy new parts of your life now, it is natural

When someone passes away my relationship with them does not stop, they are still part of my life, and I can often predict how they would think or feel. I'm sure for your grandmother to have built such a loving relationship with you that she must have been a lovely person. Do you think she would take it amiss if you  were happy? Or would she be happy for you? Nobody wants to cause grief. She would probably worry about you not finding peace

Is there anyone in your life to who you can lean on now? If so it can help, all they have to do is listen and care, not provide "answers"

There is an organisation called GriefLine which offers counselling, support and the chance to be with others who are going through the same thing. It might be worth giving then a call

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Quaver]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.  I was exactly the same, when I first had depression, when I felt even a little bit happy I was guilty because I was like 'hang on, I've just been diagnosed with depression, I'm not supoosed to be happy'.  I'm not grieving at the moment but I know the feeling of guilt.