I am having a real bad day

aussiestorm · ‎08-04-2020

Since this bloody virus has put me and my family in lockdown due to a chronic lung condition, I've been home schooling my son, a lot of cleaning, cooking, knitting, diamond painting, reading and my own worst enemy thinking. I feel so overwhelmed and I just want to crawl into a ball and cry. I do have a psychiatrist but I feel like I would be wasting his time. I have never realized how depressed I can get. I feel like a failure, being all these things and not succeeding. My son tells me that I'm the best mummy he could ever have. I hate feeling like this! I love my family and I know that they love me, but sometimes it's not enough. I'm also going through a messy settlement with my ex husband. He has turned around and called me an alcoholic crap parent. I gave up drinking when I kicked him out. It feels good to get things off my chest. I'm shaking like a leaf and trying to keep it together for my family. I don't like them seeing me like this.

romantic_thi3f · ‎08-04-2020

Hi aussiestorm,

Thanks for your post and I'm glad that you reached out to us during this difficult time. I'm really glad it helped to get things off your chest - if nothing else, feel free to keep posting and using this space to help offload in a safe way.

Of course you would be overwhelmed - I think people all over Australia are. It's such a whirlwind of a situation and it's not easy to try and adapt to these weird circumstances. I imagine that there would be extra worries having your lung condition as well.

I want you to know though that there's nothing about you that's a failure. We are all doing the best that we can here, yourself included. You've been forced into this new role being at home and homeschooling - and so far you've been able to make this work. It's okay if there are times where you do crawl into a ball and cry - you're only human and me too! I encourage you though to think about talking about this with your psychiatrist; that's really what they are there for. I've talked to mine about it too.

I hope you'll find some support in these forums.

rt

aussiestorm · ‎12-04-2020

Well easter isn't going to feel like easter this year. My sister, brother inlaw and my little brother will not be able to join us for our usual roast lunch as there are already four of us including me, my mum, my littlest brother and my son in the house. Isn't easter supposed to be a time for celebrating the Crucifixion and the Resurrection? I feel very sad about this cause it doesn't just affect me it affects the whole family. My ex husband doesn't call his son in allocated times. His fraternal family don't even call to see how he is. My own father is living down the coast with my step mother who is battling leukaemia and I would love to take the family to see them but we don't want to make her sick. I feel like I'm in a bubble as I have been pretty much in lockdown since the december fires with my asthma and depression and anxiety. I have been having panic attacks and continuously shaking. I look at my family and the way they are seeing me crack and they can't do a single thing about it. When I finally get a bit of sleep I try to pretend that everything's fine, I feel so drained. I love my family but I feel like I'm not really any good for them if anything I feel like I'm dragging them down with me. I drove myself to a medical appointment hoping to see my doctor's friendly face but when I saw the face mask it became more real because if a doctor is wearing that you know that it isn't good. I freaked out at trucks on the road as they were acting like cowboys and that's how my ex husband became a paraplegic. I have legal matters coming up at the end of the month and also have to get my son's term 2 schoolwork in the middle of it all. I just want all this shit to be over, but then again would I feel any better about the situation? Probably not. I'm not saying that I am a victim though... far from it. I have always played my cards openly there's never been any bs from me but if I say something a lot of people say you're too bubbly to be depressed. You have a beautiful son and a great support network. I hate this feeling I hate it big time. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs and I feel like I've been shit on from great heights. I nearly cried today listening to music, unfortunately smooth fm was playing my old wedding songs and it brought back some good memories and the big nasty ones. Sometimes I want to sleep but just can't quite get there when my brain wont shut down. I'm trying meditation, trying to let karma work

blondguy · ‎12-04-2020

Hi aussiestorm

You are in the majority as most of us are also having difficulty during this crappy time too aussiestorm....I hear you loud and clear

Meditation and Karma are great support mechanisms to have...and SmoothFM of course

Do you have a GP that you can 'vent' too?....and yes Im serious as they are more readily available than a psych...I understand you with the anxiety...this set of symptoms doesnt help us cope with Covid-19

we are here and listening aussiestorm

Paul

blondguy · ‎12-04-2020

Sorry for the double post aussiestorm...I neglected to mention our 24/7 Support Line..1300 22 4636

Easter is an important time of year to your family and mine too!

you are not alone

Paul

aussiestorm · ‎18-04-2020

Hi Paul

I did go to see my gp and unfortunately with covid-19 floating around, he couldn't consult me. I did get my flu shot through the surgery window. I needed to see him as my friendly face but seeing him all scrubbed up it made me feel sad. He has been my gp for over 10 years and seeing him looking so scared really drove it home. By the sound of it this is going to be the new norm. I'm so frigging scared, but I put on the brave face for my elderly mum, my little brother who is autistic and my 7 year old son. I have had a few breakdowns and just cried and cried thinking that I had nothing left. I don't know if I'm looking to another term of home schooling because I'm so scared that my child will be left behind and have to repeat when he's doing so well. Maybe I'm being neurotic, maybe I'm over thinking the situation. Maybe everything's coming to a head and I'm going to crash. My gp said to me when I could see him that when I crash I crash hard and with everything I've been through he said it will be more than 4 years until I start feeling like the old me. I don't know what to do I'm at a big crossroad in my life where I'm going through a very nasty settlement with my ex husband and he hasn't been in touch with my lawyer and wont answer his phone or the door to have court papers served. I am worried about that too. I just wish that and I know this is going to sound childish but I wish I could just bury my head in the sand and let the world pass me by. He can't see what he did wrong and says that it's all my fault. I didn't want my son thinking that treating women like shit was a normal thing and drinking. I was also freaking out about a major back operation and he was no support he didn't care about me or his child all he cared about was a brown bottle

therising · ‎18-04-2020

Hi aussiestorm

While I truly believe the challenges we face are what make us stronger and potentially a greater version of our self, there are definitely times where we can be left screaming 'This challenge is killing me' or 'Fifty at once is enough, PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE!'

You've faced and are still facing a lot of challenges and my heart goes out to you. Given what you face, you are going to need to vent. Crying is positive, no matter what we've been taught. When the mental dis-ease that builds up in us is significant, we don't want to keep it in. We don't want it becoming physical disease. Vent. Believe your son when he tells you from a place of unconditional love how amazing you are. Not long ago, I broke down in the arms of my 17yo daughter who happens to be very good at reading me. 'Tell me what's wrong' she said. She wouldn't let it go. Boy, did the tears flow. Later, I told her how hard it was to let go of that mantra (you know the one) 'You have to be strong for your kids'. Her response, 'You are the strongest person I know and it's my privilege to be able to comfort and reassure you as you have always done for me'. She's right, while I am sensitive in so many wonderful ways, I am also strong.

Wondering if you're thinking at the moment 'I don't know who I am anymore'. If so, it's understandable; you've been forced or are being forced to let go of a lot regarding your sense of self: The marriage, your son going out to school, drinking, keeping it together for the sake of not upsetting others, being able to see your GP with ease and I'm sure the list goes on. You gotta admit IT'S A LOT to give up.

You mention what Easter means to you - crucifixion and resurrection. Being an ex Mic I am able to vaguely recall Jesus' words when at his lowest 'My God, why have you abandoned me?!' He was asked to give up/let go of a lot so that he would rise as a greater version of himself. Although I no longer practice a religion, I am a spiritual gal. I found that in giving up much of what I defined as my self, I was able to come to life on a more soulful level (outside of my depression). If you have asked that same question 'My God, why...', you may find the answer to be 'I have been waiting for you all this time to let go of what keeps you down, so you could come to life. In my waiting, I never abandoned you. I gave you strength in the places you found it. And in the moments where you found the answers to your questions, you heard me'.

🙂

aussiestorm · ‎05-05-2020

I swear that karma isn't on my side this year. I went to the tele conference with my lawyer and have been called a thief! How can I be a thief when I was living on his wages with no government payments? My hands are shaking from my anxiety and anger. I can't believe what he turned into

therising · ‎06-05-2020

Hi aussiestorm

I'm so sorry you have to go through another overwhelming challenge with such accusations and difficulty.

A valid question you ask 'How can I be a thief...?' I am sure the responses you receive from your ex's side will continue to be highly questionable. Continue to question them as much as possible, until the truth comes out.

Anger can be a great motivator. It typically tends to get me pretty powered up as well. Sometimes, it can be hard to find ways to power down (reduce those inner feelings of your system going into overdrive). Amazing the way the body and mind are connected; just a single thought can get our nervous system going and our heart racing. It can be pretty overwhelming at times.

I know this may sound a bit sucky or simplistic but sometimes when I feel the sensations that come with anger I try and change my thinking through them. Example: Just the other night I was having what I thought was a basic conversation with my husband. Seeing I wouldn't agree with him about something, he started on one of his usual rants about how I don't listen and have an inability to understand. I understand perfectly, just don't happen to agree. As he told me to leave the room, as I was upsetting him, I felt that anger rising. I was being dismissed. I left the room, furious and went outside to meditate on my feelings.

The churning in my upper abdomen was asking me to be courageous, not sick (you know that place where butterflies manifest when you're nervous/anxious)
The racing of my heart was asking me to love myself enough to know, without a doubt, that I am worth more than what another dictates
The pressure in my throat reminded me to find my voice, the one that says 'Enough is enough'.
The pressure in my head, that sometimes runs through my sinuses when I'm upset (I know, weird), was a cue to reframe my thoughts. This was an interesting one, as what came to mind felt like a bit of an epiphany: I could not care less about the opinions of a self righteous degrading person. I could not care less. What I must care about (in place of lies and degradation) is the truth. What I care about is compassion, honesty, understanding and a desire to reach for the best in myself

Needless to say, it was an interesting meditation, focusing on my inner sensations.

I think when we've spent years defending our self, to care less about such self defense and more about finding the best of who we are - we come to see our true potential. Our focus has shifted.

🙂

aussiestorm · ‎16-05-2020

I have noticed through this lockdownthe things that we used to take for granted. I've tried to keep it together for my son, but I have a new feeling. Hate. I hate the fact that I married my ex and let him to control me. One of my flaws. I have put on some weight from lockdown, so I went back on my diet. I admit there havee been days when I have thought about eending it all. I've had that feelling since the beginning of March