How to feel hope for your child when it feels hopeless?

[Quercus]

My babies Mr 5 and Miss 4 take a private bus to school and home again so I can work school hours. They are the only little kids on the bus.

Yesterday our son reluctantly told us older kids slapped, bit and scratched him as a game even though he told them to stop. His ear was bleeding.

Confiding in us took guts so we acted by speaking to the bus driver about keeping any little kids at the front where he can see them. Documenting and alerting the school and we had a meeting this morning because this is unacceptable.

Today they went on the bus again. We waited for the bus at the school gate to meet our kids (and eye off each of the teenage asshats that hurt him for fun). A silent threat.

My heart aches and I want to protect but my gut also says he needs to learn we will act to keep him safe but he must also learn to guard himself by staying with his peer group and knowing if someone touches him to speak up loudly because that is not permitted.

But watching your little one slowly realising not everyone is kind or nice hurts.

Hearing your five year old say that a boy said that "it's ok if we hit you because you're just a little toy" made me want to vomit.

In the school meeting I just sobbed and couldn't speak. It feels so revolting. The school is taking it seriously but I have lost faith. There were young adults on that bus that watched and did nothing. Not even a word to the driver. Nothing.

I am proud of how he bounced back and is back to his usual feral and happy self. But I am broken and hopeless. Tears keep threatening.

How do you teach small children the world is a positive place when you need to teach them to develop resilience and defence?

How do you feel hopeful for their future with proof people stand back and watch and do nothing?

[White_Rose]

Hello Nat

So sorry to hear about your son's experiences. There is never an excuse for bullying or to stand and watch. Unfortunately it happens and sadly continues when no one steps in.

In high school all my children had to travel on the local train. Twenty minute journey so not bad. The girls were the first to go to high school and I would never have doubts that the older daughter would be bullied or the younger one because they would be able to protect themselves though it would be in different ways. When my son went to school he was bullied by an older boy on the train. That is until one my eldest daughter leaned over the seat of the bully, grabbed him by his shirt front and told him in no uncertain words what would happen if he did it again.

I didn't hear about it at the time otherwise I would have done something but my daughter's actions were effective. When I did hear the story I must admit I had a quiet chuckle at her actions, so much in her style although she never bullied anyone. Then I had a chat with my son. Maybe not the PC way of dealing with the situation but we didn't know about PC in those days. I was just pleased my daughter stood up for her brother without hurting anyone except for giving the bully a fright. My son was left alone after that.

The children were older than yours but the story continues at all ages where there is at least one person who wants to take out his/her anger on the world and chooses an easy target. My son had not been exposed to these sorts of actions so was unsure what to do and no doubt very intimidated by the much larger bully.

We do need to protect our children and those who have their care, such as bus drivers and teachers, need to step up when they become aware of these problems. I can see why your bus driver needed to keep his attention on the road but having a second person on the bus would be a huge safeguard. Perhaps it's time for schools to give a clear message about bullying and teach the younger and more vulnerable children how to respond.

I hope all is now well with your family and that you are beginning to recover. It is hard on parents when they feel so helpless.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Paul and Mary,

Thanks for your replies. It does sound like nearly everyone has a story about someone they love being bullied.

Mary your daughter is awesome. My sister almost broke a bully's jaw at school and our parents stood by her. She wasn't punished at home or at school which was fair given what the boy had been doing.

I think Paul you have got it in one... He is 5. All we can realistically ask of him is to speak up and to stay away from the teens. It really is up to us as adults to fix this.

The bus trip is an hour so it means me giving up work again if I have to drive like last year. Last year was exhausting and financially we just cannot afford the fuel let alone losing my income even if it's not much.

Worst case scenario we remove them from their school. Not keen on this as it goes to year 12 and the local school doesnt.

I suppose we wait.

Does anyone else reading have a story to share? I wonder if this is unusual to be dealing with bullying at so young an age?

[White_Rose]

Quick comment Nat

Children can be bullied all their lives if they do not learn how to cope and stand up to the bullies. It's really heartening that schools are beginning to get on top of this. I have read about some wonderful programs being taught in schools to make children aware of bullying, what's wrong with it and how to stop it. This includes personal responsibility as well as group responsibility. Fabulous. It would be a great next step if they could implement self esteem programs as I believe bullying comes from a low self esteem in so many cases.

Mary

[Guest_922]

I think it is the schools responsibility to make sure your children get safety to school. You should not have to drive them. If they are not safe then those who are creating an unsafe environment need to be removed. The school need to ensure the bully’s are receiving help and education. They need the bully’s to knownthrough their actions that this won’t be tolerated. A big concern for me is the age difference of the kids. They are old enough to know better. I would ask to have a restorative conversation with the boys and their family. Facilities by the school but they need to know the significance of what they have done and be accountable.

[Guest_922]

Sorry about all the errors. It’s annoying that you can’t edit posts.

[blondguy]

Hi Quercus

Thankyou for posting back. I know this would be difficult for you...(or anyone else for that matter..me included)

I understand and respect that there are financial issues that are very important. I have been thinking about Mr 5 and yourself a lot recently....

When my daughter was 5 in 1998 I did everything I could to ensure that she was okay getting to school (which was only 15 minutes away) I also had financial responsibilities which were mega important like yourself

At the time I had a company vehicle and had some flexibility....You dont have that flexibility Quercus

Has the school provided any assurance with providing a 'Bully Free' ride to school as yet?

just asking if thats okay

Paul

[white knight]

Hi Nat

In 1990 when my daughter was 1yo, a workmate was nearly obsessed with the IRA bombings. He said "the world is doomed, I fear for what world my child will grow up in"

30 years later my child is married happily... and the world hasnt caved in yet.

Yes it is how the world has become. For sure, we have to make changes to improve the quality of our children's lives (bus trips) but dwelling on the erosion of our world as we knew it isnt productive, its just fact.

Worry only produces ulcers.

Making your kids and other kids on that bus safe - thats productive.

TonyWK

[DemonHeathen]

Hi Nat,

I don’t have as wise advice as most others due to me being so young but two things:

1.There are many who standby and watch as disaster strikes but there are also people like little Mr. 5 who will speak up when everyone else is silent. So for your second question just remember there will always be bad but there will always be good and I’m sure that you’re kids will grow up to be the kind of people who stand up for what is right.

2. I was bullied several times as a kid and I did not tell my parents that being said I was around 7 and didn’t want my parents to stress. My advice would be to try and teach them that it is not ok for anyone to be treated like that and show them ways to stand up to bullies without fighting. If you are really worried I recommend martial arts or some kind of self defence which doesn’t involve much violence but rather defence. I realise they may be too young to do some of this but as they get older these are great ways to prevent bullying.

I hope this helps and I’m sorry that you had to experience that.

[Quercus]

Thank you everyone. So many helpful posts and TLC. I appreciate it.

DemonHeathen welcome to the forums and thank you for choosing to reply to me. It is awful to hear you have been bullied too.

No contact from the school yet saying what has been done so tomorrow is my follow up email.

Shamefully though what HAS happened is my son has followed the crappy behaviours the older kids showed him. In his class a 5 year old hit his friend because she didn't want to play and my son hit her too!

In time out he was distressed and unable to explain why he joined in. He told me as soon as I saw him and was utterly lost. The only reason he could give was an almost silent "thought it was a game". Thankfully her Mum said it was a non event to her daughter who just shrugged it off.

I feel sick even thinking about this. Today I took him to school and we talked about how it felt to be hurt...He apologised to his friend and her Mum. Then I spoke to his teacher and said if anything remotely like this happens again I want to be phoned immediately and I will collect him and take him home.

Part of me feels at fault. The kids have no routine and 3 matresses on the conrete floor.

No mum extraordinary here just another Mum trying to figure it out!