How do I support him ?

[Manda01]

 My partner suffers from depression and recently spiralled into a deep depression, when I exacerbated a situation by not initially trusting him. We resolved that issue, however, in doing so he told me he wasn’t sure how he felt about me any more and needed space.  It broke my heart. I blamed myself. He told me the current situation had broken him. But when it came to telling me how he felt about me, all he could say was, he didn’t know. I’ve been trying to understand and educate myself now on depression and I realise that it’s probably not me or our relationship causing this and I’m trying to look for ways to support him. We don’t live together so I’ve been able to give him his own space and I’m scared that he’ll tell me it’s over. I also suffer with anxiety so trying not to blame myself. trying not to be scared is hard, but I know that I need to be there for him without being scared. he’s not very responsive to text right now but has let me know he’s okay. We had a couple of days where we didn’t see each other but we did text I saw him two days ago and now I’m questioning myself how much space to give him without making him feel like I don’t care and without encroaching on his space and pushing him away. Do I wait for him ask me to spend the night again or do I suggest it .. if I leave it too long will he convince himself he doesn’t love me anymore .. how do I ask him what he needs from me to support him without him pushing me away and saying he doesn’t need anything .. I’m lost and all I know in my heart right now, as hard as it is I need to treat my own anxiety if I’m going to be able to support him and not have it affect my own emotional and mental health. So I have done this and i have made him aware of the help I sought and that I’m taking action . Maybe he will follow . Maybe this will help me listen actively without panicking and trying to salvage things.how much space and time is healthy ? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

How much space and time? That's not easy to answer not knowing the person. However, your error in not believing him over his depression has taken its toll heavily and planted a seed of doubt now. What can you do?

• Explain to him his mental health issues are not visible, like your own anxiety. It isnt like a broken leg of torn hamstring whereby it is seen and obvious. 
• Sometimes observers automatically go to the "snap out of it" approach which commonly backfires.
• Spontaneous activities can help sometimes- ring and say you are taking him out to a cafe, movie etc. Then drop him off and let him tell you that he wants you to come inside etc. Allow him to make the decisions
• If he breaks down in front of you, a hand on the shoulder, a hug, is often more beneficial than speech. A hug has more words
• Reiterate that he is good enough for you and that he satisfies you with his affection etc. That you are not interested in other men 

Then there is the flip side. You can do all this and be left wondering. You must, for your own health, reach a point whereby you've tried enough and are not receiving the answers or responses that are demanded in a relationship that has the roots of success. You will need to put yourself first if thats the direction it heads.

One way or the other you'll get a result that is no longer confusing and that's what you will need to work towards.

Best of luck, thanks for posting.

TonyWK

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