How do I get back on the wagon when it feels impossible.

[Era]

I've been dealing with depression for what feels like all my life. I had another attempt at improving my life, joined a gym doing classes I enjoyed, took pressure off myself for not being on top of the housework and my husband kept telling me how amazing I was doing, being positive and changing my life around. Secretly, even though I have an amazing husband, an easy job I enjoy working only 12 hours a week, was only doing three workouts a week that I enjoyed and my life was cruisey by most peoples standards, I felt I was barely treading water. I then came down with shingles and I'm back in the dark. I feel pathetic, trying to turn my life around was exhausting. I just want to sleep on the couch. I want to want to get better but it feels impossible. I'm on medication, I've done the psychologists, I try happify, I do the exercise programs/meditation/mindfulness, it does nothing. I was walking every day last year with my beautiful dog, who lifted me every day, then she got sick, after two weeks and $6000 of vet bills, we decided the best thing for her was to let her go. I'm still heartbroken. I don't believe in god or fate but when I'm like this it feels like everything is conspiring to keep me down, I don't deserve to be happy. I think my brain is broken, it doesn't work like it should. I'm so tired

[Guest_9809]

Hi Era, and thanks so much for posting and telling us how things are with you. I see this is not your first post, were you a member some time ago, or have you been visiting a few other threads these past few days?

Well firstly let me say - well done! By the sounds of it, you did everything right recently and in your words you were doing 'cruisey by most peoples standards'. Even though you felt you were just treading water, it is a good indication that things were improving.

And no doubt things would have continued to improve, had you not come down with a dose of the shingles. Shingles is a very painful condition and often takes some time to recover from. I am dreadfully sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful dog. The loss of a beloved pet, our devoted companion, can be devastating. Certainly your recent loss combined with your illness, would be enough to set you back in your recovery. However you know you can get back to where you were, as you've done it before.

You're definitely not pathetic! Turning our lives around is one heck of a difficult thing to do. And when we are constantly being battered down by events in our lives, it sometimes seems as though the universe is conspiring to keep us down. That isnt so.

Let you into a secret here Era - I too am struggling through a really difficult year. One thing after another - loss of an 11 yo niece in a car accident, dealing with a suicidal brother, going through a tough time myself with a fairly recent diagnosis of PTSD. And then only this week, firstly my Mum and then my Husband, being diagnosed with advanced metastisised cancers.

So just like you I am starting to feel as though God (if there is one?) and fate are against me somehow. But Era we do deserve to be happy, and we can turn things around. It isnt impossible, even if it feels that way right now.

Have you seen your GP recently and discussed the possibility of changing or adjusting the medication you are currently on? Given your recent heartache and illness, your current dosage may need to be adjusted or changed. And if you have been on the same meds for some time, sometimes it can start to become ineffective. Definitely worth discussing. It could be the catalyse to getting you back on track.

Once you're feeling a little more positive again, you can start getting back into all the things you enjoy. You deserve to be happy, we all do. Its just a matter of finding the right individual path to happiness.

Taurus xx