How can I help him?

[alexiaalexia]

I've been seeing this guy for three months and we're both in our early 20's so we're still both quite young. Things were going extremely well I've never met someone like him and we both had such amazing times together. The past two and half weeks something was really off about him and I was super worried, I spoke to his friends and they noticed that something was off too. He was shutting everyone out and wouldn't answer messages or calls so it worried me. He's a very closed person so he finds it rather difficult to open up to people and I had only known him three months so I didn't expect him to tell me what was wrong. I eventually was able to catch up with him in person and he told me that he's severely depressed. I was so proud of him for opening up and I reassured him that it's okay to not be okay and that he had to get help and go and see someone which he agreed. We both then made the decision to stop seeing each other because he didn't think it was fair how he had 'treated' me and he wanted to be able to find happiness and love within himself before he could love someone else which I completely agreed with. It's such a tough situation because no one did anything wrong, it wasn't anyone's fault and we still have such strong feelings for one another but we just can't be together right now. He told me not to wait for him and to try and move on because it's not fair if he holds me back but I'm finding it really hard right now because I have such strong feelings for him.

Obviously we've completely cut contact and I told him I'll always be there for him if he ever needs to reach out but I feel so helpless and lost and I don't know what to do. I so badly want to message him once a month to check up but I know I need to respect his space and his decision. It sounds extremely selfish but I don't know whether I should wait for him or to try and move on because I've never met someone like him and I don't want to give up just yet because he's so strong and I know he'll find happiness.

[Aaronsis]

Hello alexiaalexia

Welcome to the forum and I am really pleased you have reached out for some conversation around the best way to manage your ex boyfriend, hope it is ok to call him that. I am so very happy for him that he has a person like you on his team to care for him and to consider what he might need in this time.

I understand that you want to respect his space and give him some time and that is fine, however, there is nothing wrong with extending the arm of care and to let him know that even though the romantic relationship is on hold, so to speak, who knows what is ahead, you still consider him a friend and want to see that he is ok.

There is nothing at all wrong with checking in, you may be the only one who is and it would be sad if he didn't have some support at this time.

You can offer him some ways to reach out to get support, he too can come here and chat anonymously and get some things off his chest, he can call the Beyond Blue team and chat, they are so wonderful and are on 1300 22 4636, the fact you are in your early 20's also means that the Kids Helpline is also a great resource to get some support too, they are on 1800 55 1800. You could write him a card and post it and put this information on it and let him know you are worried and that you are there for him and want to help him to get some support.

I know you are confused and conflicted here but if you can manage the thought on the relationship and kind of put them to one side, focus on his wellbeing and getting him feeling good again then let the rest take care of it's self, it may be over for ever and you are left with a wonderful friend or you can talk about whether there is a future, right now though I think he just needs a friend.

You can also ask him how much is too much, say you would like to talk to him weekly and is that too much? That you want to have some conversation with him, not about 'getting back together" but just being a friend.

We are here for you too, caring for another is pretty exhausting so make sure you are good too, that you have some support and that you do some things that make you feel good.

This is a really safe place to chat and to get some comfort so please feel free to share as much as you feel comfortable to.

He is very lucky to have a friend like you.

Hope to chat some more

Sarah

[alexiaalexia]

Hi,

I think I will reach out to him as a friend but I'll give it a bit of time especially because this all happened at the start of this week so it's fairly new. I'm still speaking to his friends (who have now become close friends of mine) and I know that they're caring for him and making sure he's okay too.

You're 100% right when you say I need to put the relationship on hold for the moment and act as a friend, it's tough right now to try and turn off feelings but I know I need to be strong for him.

I have such a strong support group right now within my family and friends and they've been so amazing this past week so I'm so lucky and extremely grateful.

Thank you so much Sarah!!!

[Aaronsis]

Our pleasure to be here for you alexiaalexia

You sound like you are a very caring and warm person and he is lucky to have you in his circle, you will know when the best time to reach out to him is and you can then navigate from there.

I am so very happy to hear you have a wonderful support team too, we are always here for you, to bounce and idea off or to share a concern or if you have a question, we can nut it out together.

Hugs to you and have a lovely weekend.

Sarah