Here we go again..

[Edward75]

Depression. How does that feeling manage to sneak in under the armour. I swear I got on top of it 2 years ago. The anxiety comes and goes as I have learned to look at it objectively.
But this time it must have got away, bloody depression.
It feels like it has been lurking most of my life. Like a monster my mum set on me for being such a horrible child.
I want to pull it out of my gut but it feels like its melted black to my DNA. Its symbiotic. If I cut it off and scrape it free will I die without it?
If anybody could see my inside they would run away. It is sickening, unlovable, a fraud.
Stupid, dumb, not fit for anyone. Like a moronic animal born without a brain. Evil, toxic.
A selfish, mean spirit closed off to the world..
But these are my mothers words that I learned by rote.

So yeah, I am 44, completely single for 2 years. Realise how I treat partners by pushing them away..I get so scared. I know exactly what I do, so as soon as i find somebody who there is a possibly of something. I mean we have not even been on a a proper date I have emotionaly shut down.
I know my patterns now so why not fast forward 12 months and just hurt me.
She is better off without me. I know I would be.
I guess I am not ready to open up properly, maybe I never will be.

Anyway, feel better opening up. Actually thought I had tamed the black dog, but in a way my walls were just a little taller.
Tonight I will remove the black monster from my gut. And scrape it free.
Tomorrow I will visit my ageing mother & remember that she did not give this to me. It escaped from her. My poor mum, who did she get it from. I will never know. But I forgive her without excepting some of her behaviors.
I can accept her love as it is with no expectations.
And not pass on the bitterness, but just love to my wonderful daughter and everybody else in my life.

If anybody reads this, I'm hoping I'm only as crazy as the rest of the world. I could delete it but maybe somebody can relate..🤗 tomorrow is going to be better.

[geoff]

Hello Edward, your comment relates to what a great number of people have had to deal with and wonder why any of us should have ever been diagnosed with depression, it has complex causes and can be difficult to understand.

Some people become depressed and don’t know why, especially if they believe their life as being good or easy compared to others and that's the confusing part to all of this because the pressure to explain or justify how you feel can make your depression worse.

You have friends here who understand exactly what you are saying so can I suggest you read through the different thread topics that interest you and would really like to hear back from you, when you have the time.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Edward

Hello and welcome to the forum. Please excuse me when I say your post made me smile. It's not funny and it's not a put down. What you have described is what others have described and that includes me. It's the constant self put-downs, the loss of confidence and the fear of being hurt. So we withdraw from a situation that may or may not last regardless of what we get from situation. And you know what, if we had the courage to to stay with someone and not look for all the tell tale signs of rejection, which are probably untrue, we could have a wonderful life.

You know this as well as me. It's so frustrating. The way we rationalise our actions is by telling ourselves what dreadful people we are, not fit to be with people, others are better off without us. I know I am being a bit flippant but being able to laugh at myself has been one way to continue working on myself. Once I started to see I was self-defeating, that the black dog really had got its teeth into me, was the time I started to treat myself with more love and consideration. I still have times when all I see is the person you described above. Not a good look.

I am so sad for you that your mother abused you in such a way. Children need nurture but you got abuse. It's good you feel you can forgive your mom. That's an enormous step forward. Depression is not supposed to be hereditary but often I see several generations with some form of depression and anxiety. Maybe it's the way we were taught when we were children or the examples we were shown. Add a lack of confidence and it's almost like putting out the welcome mat for the dog.

I'm not sure we can tame the dog. Teaching it some manners and walking to heel is about the best I can do. While you concentrate on loving your family and friends the dog has less power. Trying to get rid of it is not productive I have found, as as the constant focus becomes overwhelming. When we walk a different path the depression loses it's grip even if it does not go away entirely. Tonight I will remove the black monster from my gut. And scrape it free, sounds great but I wonder if you are again setting yourself up for failure. It's a great goal to work towards but slowly and with help.

I have learned we cannot accomplish this in a short time but we can start to loosen its grip. Have you seen a psychologist or psychiatrist? Perhaps with some professional help you can free yourself. See your GP and ask about a mental health plan.

Love to hear from you.

Mary