Help please - advice needed

[Neil_1]

Hi all  

I think I’ve written a few times now that I have tears in me, gallons of them, but they won’t come.  I’m sad all the time, or next to all the time, but I cannot cry.  

Well, a short while ago, I had a meltdown and wow, the tears flowed.  I received for Christmas a DVD pack of the latest series of one of my all time favourite shows (I won’t name it, as I don’t want to create any spoiler alerts here).  So I watched episode after episode and finally got to the last one today.  

And it was brewing in the way the show was panning out that it was likely to be sad (and worth noting here that I am emotional with movies and the like and will cry easily) and so the tears started to fall before the show finished.  I got my partner to be near me;  but when the show concluded and it went to the black screen and the credits started, I yelled out “NO” and then burst into hysterical tears;  I was sitting on the edge of our lounge and I honestly think I passed out for a short while, ending up on the floor and sobbing uncontrollably.  My partner was talking to me, but for a while, I didn’t hear here.  I was an absolute mess for around 10 minutes.  Our dog was so concerned, and he was actually getting a bit stroppy with my partner, as he thought it was her, who did this to his master.  

I’m better now, but still hellishly fragile.   

I mean, it was only a TV show/series … what would have caused this?  Does anyone have any thoughts?  There was nothing in the series or the episodes that reminded me of my past.  

To actually black out for a short while was a bit unusual.  But yeah, I'm feeling fragile and somewhat dumbfounded as well - and everything definitely doesn't feel right.  I know I prescribe this a bit to others, but Neil, it might be time to get yourself off to see my good doctor.  

Neil  

[Mares73]

Dearest Neil, I'm a bit lost for words. I agree with all that's been said above. Yes you have been bottling up a lot of emotions & feelings for a longtime & the feelings end up buried deep inside ready to implode. But it's amazing how long we can shutdown our emotions & inevitably at some point they break through-we almost don't have control over when, where or what will set off the "release" button but we are emotional people & at some point the "breakdown" may be seen as a "breakthrough". I agree you probably only released tears at "Level 1". There must be so much grief, loss, sadness etc that is just below the surface and maybe this time it's screaming to be released rather than trapped inside. It's a positive experience that some feelings (even if you can't recognise them yet) have been released through your tears. I hope you are ok, I appreciate you must be feeling very vulnerable & fragile today. Neil-you are such a special, caring, inspiring, courageous person who I count as a friend because I can always depend upon you reading my posts & saying the perfect things. I can't describe how much that means to me-I appreciate your support so much. Ill keep checking online I case you'd like to share more about what you are experiencing. I know you are a survivor Neil, a very strong, gentle, caring & courageous friend. In my thoughts xxxx Mares