Help me to talk

[wheretostart]

Hello, im new to this.

I think I have suffered from depression on and of for 17 years now. My first bout of collapsing on the Dr's floor resulted in me getting some pills which I only took for a short time. It took me 10 years before I went back. Dr told me he wouldnt give me sleeping tablets because I had suicidal thoughts, gave me a referral to a psychiatrist but never followed it up. I didnt go...I couldnt work out what to say and thought I should be able to handle things myself. I am back again today with the same problem. I have made the appointment with the Dr...but how do you initiate a conversation that needs to start with "Help me". It just sounds trivial and wrong when there are real sick people in the waiting room.

Here is my story...sorry it might be long.

I got married when I was pregnant with my first child but always had the nagging fear that he would never have married me if I wasnt pregnant or if he wasn't more scared of my dad than the alternative. My husband wasn't a bad man...he was never physically abusive but he was mentally draining. We always had money problems (we were farmers during Australia's worst drought crisis) He was a workaholic and never had time for his family. I never felt loved by him and he never told me he loved me. He constantly told his sons they were hopeless to the point that i sent them away to boarding school in yr.7. Our eldest son still lives there and still cops this on a daily basis. I worry for him but I think he stays out of some loyalty for his dad and because I truely think he likes the farm life. I hope he finds his happiness tho.

My second son had cancer at age 11. I didnt get support from my ex-husband here either. My mum came with me when he was operated on and for his other appointments, but I always felt bad for him that it wasnt his dad. We had big financial problems at the time and I ended up taking out a huge debt to pay the bills because when i asked him how we would pay for it he just said "how should I know". I never told him about the debt and bought it with me when I left. With other things that have happened on top of it, I now a a very large debt that I struggle daily to keep under control. No-one else knows of this debt.

My third son has an intellectual disability and lives with me. I would do anything for my kids and have done everything I can to help him. Even when I was married tho, I did it all on my own...my husband never helped - he was too busy with his farm. My son isn't going to get any better tho and it feels like I have failed him in lots of ways. As he gets older and school days are ending, I don't know how to help anymore. He is a lovely boy and I just want someone else to see it and help me help him. I worry constantly about what his future will hold.

My daughter is just beautiful. And yes I think I kept having kids as a means to feel wanted.

When I left my husband, I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents (5 hrs away). I bought the 2 younger kids with me. I had no qualifications for a job and for the first time in my life was on government support. I got a brief job working with disabled kids but lost it due to them not having enough work for me. I put myself thru an aged care course and got my cert 3. I got a job straight away. I loved this job and made some fantastic friends through it. I felt happier than I had in years. 7 months into it I injured my back. I went through 12 months of physical therapy before I gave in and had it operated on 5 weeks ago. It hasn't helped a lot. Then I got some bad news about my sons special support class which I am now going to have to find the energy to fight for. Then I lost my job because I was too high a risk factor. Now all I can think is who is going to hire a overweight, unqualified, slightly injured middle aged person.

So here I sit...lonely and sad. I never had the bad upbringing that a lot of people mention on here. My parents are warm and loving people who love their grandchildren more than anything. They are my saviours...in a way. I have always wanted to please my parents and have done so much in the past few years that must have disappointed them...ie. separating from my husband. No-one in our family has ever been divorced. I cant tell them about this, I dont think they would understand. They were of the generation where you just got on with things. I can put on a bight and cheery persona around them and around my friends and children too. I fear losing my friends if I confide in them. They dont want to be around gloomy people.

So now I dont go anywhere without someone in the car because I fear driving it into a tree. (I wont hurt anyone else tho) I have given all my dangerous medications (for pain relief for my back) to a friend because I dont trust myself not to take one too many. And yes, I did bite the bullet and talk to this friend and she didnt run a mile....yet.

I am so lonely and sad. I am so tired...I havent slept through the night in years and never have more than 3 or 4 hours sleep a day. My brain just wont switch off. I constantly think depressing and irrational thoughts. An example...my son went away last week on his birthday and I worried all day that he was going to die on the same day he was born. Who does stuff like that? I even think about the funeral. Why? I love him dearly and certainly don't want anything to happen to him. I fear my kids leaving home and the lonely old age that awaits me. I don't think I want to be around when that happens. And Im tired of trying to be happy for everyone else's sake.

Now that I have written this, I think I will just hand a copy of it to the Dr. So thankyou, I guess that coming on here had helped already. I will let you know how it goes. Sorry for the long post.

[bman42]

Dear wheretostart

After reading your story your problems are definitely not 'trivial'. Just like you I always feel I have no right to feel the way I do since there are people worse of than me. I don't have children myself so I wont try to give you any advice on that subject as much as I would love too

It sounds like you are a very strong person but it is ok to be vulnerable at times and ask for help, its something i'm  still struggling to do! But it sounds like you have some great support in your friend  and with your last paragraph stating you going to see a doctor makes me think you will pull through this in time. Maybe you could try to talk to your parents about this??? You might be surprised as from what you have said they sound like nice loving people.

Well I havnt been on here for long but I can tell you that this a great place to look for support,advice or just vent as there a lot of very understanding people on here who will listen and care.

Make sure you do go see your doctor and PLEASE let us know how it goes

Bman

[S_A_D_]

Excellent post. Fascinating story. Thanks for the detail. I greatly appreciate it. Please keep us informed for how it goes with your GP. This is a long term support network here, and you can rely on us to be a crutch and a friendly bunch for you any time you feel like dropping in and saying hi.

There is a lot of discrimination, stigmatization and judgementalism of our weaknesses as humans. We are generally weaker than we look and stronger than we feel. This is because our culture seeks an irrational degree of multitasking of high quality, high quantity, high speed results, which is burdensome, and very few people have more confidence and self esteem than they need to achieve these impossible results. To top it off, society says that making mistakes and failing to achieve is bad, and should be punished, so the fear of punishment raises our stress levels. Society is broken.

Volunteering is different. They encourage learning from mistakes, they appreciate effort, and rarely (if ever) use punishment. I think this is a strong, positive parenting model too. Volunteering often leads to paid work, which is relevantly similar to the work done as a volunteer. Aged care homes are often looking for volunteers. With a cert 3 under your belt, and a bit of time spent proving you can do what you are capable of doing, and carefully explaining why you can't do some of the things you might be asked to do as either a volunteer or a paid worker, I'm sure a position can be found for you somewhere that raises your confidence, allows you to give back to the community, gets you off welfare, and doesn't pressure you to perform in excess of your abilities. Best of all, as a volunteer, you can usually set whatever hours are most suitable to you, so you can start small if you want, like 1 hour per week, and most will allow people to bring their children if they want to. They are very flexible.

[Chris_W828]

Dear Wheretostart,

Go to your regular GP and tell him that you are suffering from depression and anxiety and would like to be referred to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist for psychotherapy (psychotherapy is broadly just treatment that involves speaking about what is bothering you and working through it with the doctor/psychologist).  The reason I suggest asking specifically for psychotherapy is because from what i gathered from your post, and my own personal experience, it sounds like that is what you need.  Certain doctors/psychologists are better suited for the issues you want to get help with, so giving a little insight like you did in your post will help your GP hopefully choose the most suitable one.  I have been to many different psychiatrists/psychologists over the years and some have been much more helpful than others.  Hopefully you find one that you are comfortable with and find helpful straight away, but if not, don't be discouraged, keep trying because you will find one eventually.

As for worrying about how to initiate the conversation, "Help me" is perfectly fine.  Straight forward is the best way and you won't be judged by anything you say when it comes to asking a doctor for help.  I've suffered from social anxiety my whole adult life, so I know a little bit about worrying how to initiate conversations.  I can tell you the doctor's exam rooms are the one place where that anxiety is eased :p.

By coming on here you've already worked out 'where to start', so now I wish you all the best on your path to letting go of the things that are weighing you, and finding the things that will lift you.

This has been my first post so I hope it is of some use for you, I know yours has been for me, whether it was your intention or not.  Chris.  

[geoff]

dear Wheretostart, firstly it's been a long awkward life and a very sad one for you.

By having two children with devastating illness's is far more than anyone could possibly think of, and just this would make them asking the question 'why me', why should all of this happen to me, and if I was in the same situation, and being religious, I would be asking the person above, why have you done this to me, but there is no answer of course.

By taking out a huge debt to pay for your child who has cancer, and then your ex not asking about it or how he can help, is a disgrace, and he wouldn't care either as he constantly verbally abused them, saying that they were hopeless, how on earth is a child meant to gain any confidence by this rejection, it would be impossible and not only that it is totally demeaning to them.

I am so pleased that you have left him, as he showed you no love, no respect or appreciated the job that you had to do.

Where you live now is it in or close to a town, in that you can get help, so google this 'groups to help intellectual children with school in aus', it has a lot of phone numbers and connection address.

Injury to your back must be a work cover claim and please let me know about this.

I have been the only one in a group of 5 children, which includes myself, to be divorced, the ones that I thought may do so, haven't, and for some unknown reason my parents thought it was a good idea, I don't know why because they always got on well with my ex, and this did upset me.

There is every chance that your divorce will be mentioned along the line and this maybe unintentional but secrets like these are always dropped by mistake or your parents will be able to read into some comments.

In some ways it's best not to tell your 'friends' because they may disappear and won't be of any help.

By having those thoughts on your son's birthday is quite a common reaction, as I think like this many times.

Before you hand this letter to your doctor and/or psychologist, just include a note at the beginning saying 'I have been worried about talking about this for a long time, but in desperation I contacted Beyond Blue, because I wanted to know what the people on it would think'.

This will indicate to them that it's a very sensitive area for you and they will then be kind to you, and approach it with due care and understanding, and you are entitled to have this, because it's been a long struggle for you. Please let us know how you went and the very best of luck. L Geoff. x

[vip]

Hi where to start I am new to this forum as well. Look I came from a ordinary loving family and 3 years ago I attempted suicide. Lucky for me I am walking and I survived. I have battled with depression for 22 years and yes I can totally relate to the way you feel. I have recently stopped the medication under a psychologist and Gp. supervision and I am overweight as well. I just joined the gym and I find just going for a walk around the block or a bike ride clears my head. I have 1 son who has mild autism but you have a lot more children with extra needs. You have done a wonderful job until now give yourself a break . Going to your doctors ask him to refer you to a good psychologist get the meds and put your life back on track. The disturbing thoughts will go . Im sure once you feel better even volunteer your skills with a charity that will make you feel good thats what I actually do now. And coming on this forum is great too. Stick with it we are all in the same boat and can all relate to each other. Take care