Help at home: partners depressed

[Creative_Displayname]

For a while now my wife has been depressed. I have seen a pattern, it is always external sources that depress her “I am at home all the time and I just want to do more I feel stuck” but when she is out of the house too much for work etc “I just want to be home I miss my kids I don’t get to do X”. It’s like this with a lot. The biggest things that are getting me are that even though she will acknowledge what I do around the house, it’s will be rebutted with “but I just wish that you would do this…” I work from home and I do a fair bit. But my job is demanding, I manage projects for government clients it’s a six figure job. I work hard, I do school runs and swimming lessons. Clean the house when I can and look after the kids when they are sick so she can work or go to appointments or get out of the house. It destroys me to hear how she wants to be able to relax but can’t because she always needs to work around the house. As if what I do isn’t enough. I’ll get the conversation that she’s ok doing laundry and dishes but wishes I would remember to do it more Or that what I do isn’t the right and I prioritise wrong or how I did it was wrong.

I am trying and I am coming off the back of a multiple year struggle with anxiety and depression due in part to losing my job in the Army because of various injuries. I’m trying and we seem to go around I circles. She takes an antidepresant but hasn’t seen a psych more than a handful of times and from what she has shared they always seem to point out my indiscretions and that I am an issue rather than her opening up about trauma in her life and what or why she feels certain ways. As if she only goes to complain about me. That’s probably not the case but I only know of what I hear. we have had providers for various things in the past like couples counselling that seemed to side with her and even call me abusive yet neglect to deal with her triggers and responses it’s always how I could do better. I struggle to find friends or people to chat to about this because if she finds out I vent to them she uses that against me as I have embarrassed her and I can’t be trusted or that I shouldn’t do that because it’s so inherently wrong and I should know not to talk about her. It manifests in very controlling ways for a lot of aspects of our lives. can someone help me or let me know I’m not the problem or that I might be?

[therising]

Hi Creative

Having been married for 20 years and being a gal who's faced a number of periods in depression, I can relate to there being so many questions within a marriage while we're depressed. All those questions eventually led me to the realisation that I was in some ways on a quest to work out whether it was the marriage that was, in part, depressing me. Short answer, yes. Toughest part came down to working out why. In my mind, a loving partner's someone who can lead you to truly know yourself in a number of ways. They're a form of leader/guide who's on your quest with you. There's freedom in coming to know who you truly are. For me, my husband's idea has always been 'Stop over analysing everything' (aka 'Stop trying to work out what brings you down and keeps you there for so long at times'). His idea has always been to leave me alone when I'm depressed. Problem is you get to feel what 'alone' feels like and what 'no one wondering with you' feels like. Your wife has an advantage. You know she's someone who needs certain opportunities as well as your input around the house. You know she's someone who seriously needs to work out trauma from her past. You know she'd benefit from such analysis. Perhaps you know her better than she knows herself.

I imagine you can relate to analysis leading to change. Analysing who the army conditions you to be and how it conditions you to think would be a major factor when it comes to adapting to life outside the army. 'Who am I and/or who do I need to become outside of the army?' becomes a quest to reform one's self in so many ways.

Took me years to work out why I was controlling within long term depression. A sense of contentment, relief and joy is often the goal within depression. If a sense of contentment's the goal and perfectly hanging towels brings contentment, for example, what's felt when others don't hang towels up perfectly? To get that 'high', you have to manage how everyone hangs the towels. Every emotion or type of energy in motion holds a certain type of charge. Someone always having to be 'in (positive) charge' can appear as controlling. Every trigger, positive or negative, holds a charge we can feel. I imagine your wife's a feeler.