Hello

[adamc]

Hello, I'm a 36-year old man and have suffered depression for many years. I was bullied constantly in high school and have always preferred to keep things to myself.

[adamc]

Thank-you.

I did speak to BeyondBlue over the phone the other day and spoke to my counselor this afternoon and they both understand what I'm going through. The bond between me and Kelli has grown so large over the years, she is like the daughter I will never have.

When my mum found me sitting on the floor that night close to crying, she told me that we're all feeling concern over Kelli's situation and I don't have to think I have to suffer alone but in all respect, I have always been alone. Over the years, I have had people push me away and watch as I lose those I cherish. I'm sick of it. Do I want another 50 years of it? No, not even 10 years.

I have never thought about meditation.

I still feel as though I failed her, I took responsibility for her health and well-being yet I couldn't get the vets to listen and understand my concerns with her health and now she is paying for it.

[missep123]

Hi adamc,

I am really glad to hear that you spoke to BeyondBlue over the phone and your counsellor. It's really great to see that you are reaching out for help and support when you need it.

I hear you. It can be very hard difficult to not feel alone when we have gone through many experiences in the past that support this idea. Basically what can happen is that we develop certain expectations, whether we are aware of them or not. We expect these situations to happen a certain way due to our previous experiences. The good news is that we can break these expectations by rewiring our brain by experiencing situations in a different way. For example, when something bad happens I may go to my room and lie in my bed and not want to speak to anyone. Instead, I can start to try to break this cycle by maybe talking to a family member right away, making myself some tea, listen to soothing music or go for a walk. I have had to do this for myself as I found myself reacting to situations in a very anxious and stressful manner.

It can be really difficult when we feel like we fail our pets, I can really see how much you love her. It is also difficult when our pets can't speak so we interpret for ourselves what is happening and how they are feeling. I'm not sure if this gives you comfort but a lot of my friend's pets had cataracts and health issues but they were so happy and lived a great life. When I went through health issues with my previous pet I sit down and think about the great times we had together. If I never had that pet then I wouldn't have had those memories, if that makes sense.

Here for you!

[adamc]

My dog has an enlarged heart, cataracts in one eye and issues with her walking. Dad took her to the vet this morning by himself to her eye checked out and while I was occupied elsewhere, the phone rang. It was him so I rang him back and he told me two words I didn't want to hear:

"It's time. Kelli has a new condition."

NO!!! In honesty, I wanted her to go peacefully in her sleep because of old age. I never wanted to have to put her to sleep because of a problem she shouldn't have.

I can't, and don't, want to say goodbye to her. We've done so much over the years together. I have done so many things for her. The vet can put me to sleep before her.

[Sophie_M]

Hi adamc,

Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing this with us here today. We're so sorry to hear about you beloved Kelli and how this is affecting your mental wellbeing.

Our support service is trying to phone you are we are worried about you.

If you're an immediate risk to yourself or others, then this is an emergency and you should call 000 straightawaay. We'd encourage you to reach out to our firends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[adamc]

I went on a long walk today, not wanting to come back and cried the entire time.After I got home, my dad gave me the number for Beyond Blue so I went on another long walk and spoke to them for about 2 hours.

My last dog that we didn't even have for 6 years suffered a serious illness and we had no choice but to have her put down. We noticed she had fluid on her lungs and had trouble breathing so we did the right thing by her. But with Kelli, she is still wagging her tail, barking, smiling and is interested in life and I think "I can't take her life away. I can't do it."

I have told dad and my young sister that I can't be here when she goes but I know dad will tell me that in these past 17 years where Kelli has needed me and I've been here, will I be here when she needs me the most to take her pain away. I don't know. It will be too traumatic watching her close her eyes for the last time and to no longer see and hear the things that I enjoyed the most.

How could I do Christmas shopping this year and not get anything for her which I have done each year since we got her?

Kelli was abandoned at just a few weeks old by the people she thought loved her. Now, she is going to be the one abandoning the people who loved her.

"The one with the biggest heart will leave the biggest hole in ours."

[missep123]

Hi adamc,

I'm really sorry to hear you have been going through this

I'm really glad you called Beyond Blue and spoke to them when you needed support. I think that it's really important to look after yourself during these tough times.

[adamc]

I heard mum say earlier to dad that maybe it's time to let her go.

I can't do it!! I can't take my beloved pet's life away from her. She would still be perfectly fine if my concerns were listened to by the vet, but they weren't. They just kept putting it down to arthritis and old age. I told my sister weeks ago that the problem is arthritis is easy to diagnose but anything else requires effort.

I keep telling myself that I have failed in my duty of pet responsibility to keep Kelli healthy and I start to wonder if it is actually the vet as well who failed her.

I have my young sister and two nieces coming over on Saturday to see her so I don't know what will happen then or after. Will she be gone by month's end? Next month was going to be her birthday (my sister tells me we got her in June) where she turned 17.

I can't stand losing people and the thought of losing my most cherished pet to whom I have developed an unbreakable bond with, whom I have done so much for over the years, is unthinkable.

I always said that if I were to lose her, it would be easier if she went peacefully in her sleep due to old age. I did not want to lose her to something that could've, and should've, been prevented. But it looks like I will and I can't stand it. She deserved more than that . For 17 years to show how much she was full of life and love and then to have the ones she loved the most to take her precious life away from her, she doesn't deserve that. It would be even harder if I notice a little tear sliding down her face, knowing she will never see us again but my tears will be flowing like a river.

I can't bear to lose her. And yes, I am crying as I type this.

[adamc]

She's gone. 😞 😞 😞

While she ate her dinner tonight and took her DentaStik fine, I noticed she was out of her kennel when I was doing the rubbish so I took her and put her back in.

When mum went outside to check on her before bed, I was sitting playing a game when all of sudden I heard her shout "KELLI!!!" My sister and I went outside and found her motionless on the wet grass. She must've been trying to go to the toilet, I noticed she had brought up her dinner and ad thinks she may have had a heart attack. I'm starting to think it was another seizure.

We kept her coat and collar and the vet has said they can keep her until we have made final preparations for her. I'm just hoping they remember that she's ours and doesn't get mixed up with another dog.

I'd like for her to take her bed that I bought her a couple of Christmas' ago.

Rest in Peace my beloved Kelli. I will never forget you.

"The loss of the biggest heart will forever leave the biggest hole in ours."

[Sophie_M]

Hi adamc

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community tonight and are so sorry to hear about your loss and what you’ve been going through. Our community is here for you.

Keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[missep123]

Hi adamc,

I am very sorry to hear your loss. Like Sophie_M has said, I'm also really grateful that you reached out to the community because we really are here for you.