Hello

[adamc]

Hello, I'm a 36-year old man and have suffered depression for many years. I was bullied constantly in high school and have always preferred to keep things to myself.

[adamc]

Thank-you.

Dad says I did everything I could for her over the years, paying her medical bills and caring for her. What will I do for Christmas this year when I bought her something each year to express my love for her and that we was part of the family. Dad suggested get a memorial stone and maybe make a special garden in the backyard for her and we can hold a moments silence for her.

When I put her back in her kennel last night and turned her round to face out, I gave her a kiss on the head and gazed into her eyes. So in retrospect, I was the last one to say "Hello" when we first got her back in 2003 as I had just got home from somewhere and last night, I was the last one to see her alive and the last to say "Goodbye".

While I read that dogs do not want to go alone, both Dad and my young sister thinks she left her kennel and wanted her final moments to be private. I am sure she will remember that kiss I put on her head and it was my face she saw for the last time.

Dad and I believe that our dog Trixie who we lost back in 2014 was waiting for her to arrive. And now she has.

For many years I have been alone because people have either pushed me away or I have lost those I care about and now I have just lost my beloved, and best, friend whose smile, big beautiful brown eyes and bark would always lighten up my day. Who would yell at me through the back door wondering why I was taking so long to get her dinner ready. Who, many years ago, was looking for me to take for a walk in pouring rain. Who wanted to keep going on a walk when the entire suburb had a total blackout. But I did because I cared.

It was going to be her birthday next month.

[missep123]

Hi adamc,

I can see that you really loved her and took such good care of her. How do you feel about the idea of the memorial stone and special garden? Could this be something that you can take care of and keep your connection with her? I know that I like to spend moments in time thinking about my pet who I loved so much who passed.

It really sounds like you had a beautiful relationship with your dog. I think it's really beautiful that you and your dad believe your other dog was waiting for her to arrive.

[adamc]

I loved her terribly and now she has gone. When she was found, she had vomited. I don't know if she had a seizure, her heart failed or worse she ate a toadstool not knowing it was poisonous and she was throwing up to try to expel it.

I rang up a veterinary hospital today to ask to speak to a vet to see whether how she was found was common with any of the things I mentioned but got told by the receptionist "I'm sorry, but the vet does not answer customer enquiries." When I told her how she was found, the person said that it may be a sign of toxicity but without a postmortem we won't know, but we might not know even if one was done.

Dad would just like to have her cremated and brought home, hoping that I will try to find some closure but I can't. Every day when I get up and see her not here, it's heartbreaking. For 17 years we had such a close bond and now she has left me, how I don't know. If she was found resting in her kennel, it might be easier but not how she WAS found. I can't stop picturing it.

A special garden and memorial stone sounds nice and Dad was even thinking of putting a door on Kelli's kennel, painting it and raise it off the ground. Also getting her name put on the front.

I'd like her to take some things with her, things she loved like her coat that i bought her, her bed and maybe her DentaStiks that she loved so much. Dad suggested she should just take her coat with her and maybe the DentaStiks can go to my young sister's dog. I'd like her to take more than her coat.

When we had our last dog cremated, she took her bed that she was placed in, one of her coats and a few of her favourite toys.

I know that maybe in a few months I will be looking back at all the happy times I had with her but the way I feel now, I don't think I ever will. Whenever I got happy, something went wrong.

I want her back. 😞 😞 😞

[missep123]

It's so hard especially when you see them like that. My previous dog was only 9 and had an enlarged heart condition and seizures, seeing her in pain in her last moments was so painful and I have to admit that I didn't look back on the memories until a while later until it wasn't too painful to do so. That was about 3 years ago but about 6 months to 1 year after everything I was able to look back at photos and memories with happiness rather than sadness. It is a process though and it's important to take care of ourselves while we are grieving. I hope that your family can support you through the process! It sounds like they are with the lovely suggestions of memorial, garden and door on her house.

Take your time to grieve adamc, your emotions and feelings are completely valid. Please make sure to take care of yourself as well in the meantime and reach out here and to help lines whenever you need!

[adamc]

Thank-you.

Today I wrote letters; one from me to her and one I "found" from her. Dad says it's better to get your feelings down on paper, I did but neither mum or my eldest sister were interested in reading them. Dad is interested.

I had my youngest sister and two nieces over yesterday and my eldest niece told me I need to cheer up but I don't think I can.

I'd like a postmortem done so we know what happened, in a way I need to know, but my sister suggests otherwise. She knows what gets done and doesn't want Kelli to go through that. Besides, that not-very-respectful receptionist at the hospital doesn't feel me with confidence they'll treat Kelli with respect. I think I might agree with her.

They both just want Kelli brought home as soon as possible, where she belongs. It's hard going outside and still seeing her kennel with the blanket inside and her still-full drinking bowls. It just looks too empty and quiet.

I think Kelli will be the one pet I will never get over losing. I loved her and I miss her with all my heart. She was fine when I put her back to bed and kissed her head. I never thought she would be gone just a couple of hours later. Did seeing me one last time put her at ease?

[missep123]

I think that's a great idea to write down how you feel in letters. How did you feel after writing and reading them? I'm really glad your dad is interested!

I agree, it can be really hard seeing the empty bed and full drinking bowls 😞 I was like that too but through time I healed. It was a process though.

I think everyone has their own way of grieving. Some people believe they will just 'get over it' but others say they will always carry their loved one in their heart and at first it is painful but through time it becomes comforting. I am one of those people who will always carry my previous pet in my heart.

I think with these things they are so difficult because they are also unexpected. We don't know how things can change 😞

[adamc]

I did find a letter that Kelli "wrote" as she said her farewells to everyone. Every person I gave it to broke down into tears when they read it.

I will be sending my letter with her and when I read it, with the letter she left for me knowing how hard it'll be for me, breaks me down every time.

When dad and I went for a long walk today, I asked him why I am more distressed with Kelli's passing than everyone else I've lost and he said because I had known Kelli the longest and basically grew up with her. When my sister and two nieces came over on Saturday, I gave my sis a big hug and even then I broke down. She understood why. I told dad today that I wouldn't have been able to do that with mum. She has never been the approachable type when I need to talk to someone.

And to make matters worse, tonight mum was already talking about wanting to get another dog. How dare she!! That's been her problem; lose one you just replace it with another.

We've decided not to do a postmortem but I still feel uneasy about it. I've always had questions and once she's cremated, I'll never get the answers to what was wrong, of what the vets were never interested in finding out.

[missep123]

Hi adamc,

Thank you for the update! I'm really glad you have been able to reach out and connect with your dad and sister. I know that I was really distressed when my previous dog passed away also and I feel like it is also because I grew up with her.

In my family half of us wanted to get a new dog and the other half really did not want to. In the end we did get a new puppy and for us it helped us heal but we always spoke about our old dog and tried to incorporate her memory as best as we could. I think the hardest thing is that everyone has different grieving processes and want to do different things to heal.

How have you been going today?

[adamc]

I wasn't very good yesterday. Dad and I organised things for Kelli to take with her; her coat, my letter, a couple of photos, one of her toys and I picked up a bouquet of flowers on the way to the hospital. Mum didn't make things easier, saying she'd never been asked for her input but when we did want it, she wasn't interested.

She also made fun of me when I was on the phone to the cremation services and because I was distressed at what I needed to talk about, I was saying "Um" a lot.

When Dad and I left the hospital after dropping off Kelli's things, I looked back at it thinking "She's really gone. My beloved dog and best friend is never coming back."

I was skimming TV channels last night and caught the start of a program with the funeral of a police chief and I broke down almost immediately.

I've been anxious, double and even triple-checking to make sure everything is correct. When I put Kelli's letter and the photos into the envelope, even though I knew I just did, I kept checking about 3 times to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me. And also making sure that final preparations for Kelli have been 100% understood as I don't want the service to get something wrong.

My biggest problem is that once she's been cremated, I will never, ever know what happened, what was wrong and what took her from me. People have been telling me that she probably just had a major seizure and her heart gave out. But that just further aggravates it for me; no one was interested in finding out what truly was wrong. One of her medications states in our medicine book that to use caution when being used for undiagnosed ailments.

The fact I will never know will both upset and anger me for ages to come. And I have lost her. This is why I don't trust vets.

[missep123]

I'm sorry to hear that yesterday was a tough day for you. For myself and for a lot of people, the grieving process can have a lot of ups and downs.

It can be very frustrating when we want to find something out but we can't. I have found though that if I hang on to that thought it can be very stressful and exhausting. I have given myself permission to let it go and not have such control over me. How would you feel about this?

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