Hello darkness my old friend.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Today should have been good. More good things happened than bad things. I got shopping done solo, made dinner and even hung out the washing. I also had a panic attack at the shops, bought things I shouldn't have and can't bring myself to do the dishes which are piling up while my husband lies sick in bed.

I should be damn near happy right now. Instead I am sitting here, wanting to cry my eyes out. Today started lower than yesterday and is rapidly going down hill. I can't even force myself to smile. Alternately all I can feel is an overwhelming despair or a great numbness, like a bubble around me that prevents me from feeling anything. THere should be something in between shouldn't there?

I am broken. I don't have the inbetween ground. One minute I am ecstatic and hopeful, the next i'm sobbing in the bathroom (not exaggerating, this litterally happened to me in the span of three minutes). I don't even know what to tell people when they ask how i'm going because it could change any few minutes.

I just feel so out of control. I don't know what is going on inside my own head. I can't even control that. I want desperately to get some measure of control back. Something, anywhere.

The only way I know to get control is self harm or a much more permanent solution. Neither of which I want but I don't know how else to go on.

I have nothing left.

GA

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi there,

Please call for some support if you need it at the moment.Things sound like they have been really hard for you since Christmas. Remember that Beyondblue helpline is here to chat on 1300 22 4636 or you can call lifeline too on 13 11 14 if you are feeling suicidal.

We are all thinking of you

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

Please give BB support line a call or even Lifeline. They are here to help you get through your dark times. 

GA, I feel for you, but pls just hold on to hope. You need help and you need to speak to someone asap.

Pls keep talking to us here, we all care for you

Thinking of you, pls take care

Jo xx

[Anthony10]

Hi GA

I know how you are feeling...please don't lose hope, there's always someone to help you. 

Hope you feel better soon

Anthony

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

How are you this morning? I was thinking about you this morning and thought I would send you a message of hope, love and strength.

Pls hold on to this, as you will get through this difficult time.

Take care, let us know how you are.

Sending you hugs

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo (and BB),

THankyou for replying. Even if I haven't posted until now I have been up all night unable to sleep and frequently returned to this page, reading both your and my messages over and over.

I don't know how I feel at the moment. I still feel split in two. Emotional and Numb. Wanting to sleep and wanting to run, as far and as fast as I can. Not wanting to die but also wanting this all to stop.

I just wanted to post to let you know I'm still here for what good it does me.

I have an appointment with the psych team later on this morning. If I get some clarity and sleep after that, I'll post here again and explain. Or rant or something. If I don't post for hours, it's because I managed  to get some sleep.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

And you too anthony- Sorry for forgetting you in the pevious messages. I'm not with it right now.

Thankyou for caring enough to post and secondly for holding out that hope.

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

I'm sorry, I had a few days away, and have just got back.  Although it's great to know that you have others supporting you as well ... and that's just something that is brilliant about this site ... supporting and caring people.

Thank you for posting and letting go with how you're feeling ... it's one hell of a mix that you've got happening and I can see how exhausting it would be for you.

I'm so pleased to read that you've been able to get an appointment for this morning.  I really hope that you're able to unload there and to come out of it feeling, even just a little bit better.  Although it will be quite exhausting as well, as when you go to these places and when you've got so much pent up, it really can take it out of you afterwards.

Please know that you have support and care here;  we are your friends and we want to help you in whatever way we can as well.

I do look forward to hearing back from you as soon as you feel able to.

Kind regards

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I'm so glad to read that you had an appt this morning with a psych.  Are you feeling okay?

Hopefully when you read this you would have had some sleep, well I really hope you did.  You must be exhausted.

GA, I'm thinking of you and hope you had some helpful support this morning.

Pls take care

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hey All,

I ended up having, with new sleeping tablet help, 12 hours sleep last night. Plus a five hour afternoon nap the afternoon before. Sleep feels so alien to me.

GA