Happiness?

[roses123]

why is it that when i am happy i really dont want to be. As much as i hate being so sad and feeling really depresses i sometimes miss that feeling and whenever im close to feeling content i really dont want to be.

[smallwolf]

Hi Roses,

welcome to beyond blue.

I have been seeing a psychologist for quite a while now. In one of the session I made a comment similar to yours. The background was that at the time I was walking to the kids swimming club on a Fri evening, and about 1/2 up the street I was happier than when I started. But it did not feel right. Why? Probably a couple of reasons. Firstly, I felt that I did not deserve to be happy. And secondly, that feeling was somewhat foreign. Today, I am getting better.

I guess that if you can reflect on your thoughts you might find a reason also?

My last comment is that I want you to know that you are not aloe with those thoughts, I hope you might stick around here for a bit, tell some more of your story, and maybe come to accept being happy with life and/or with yourself. There is a thread on the forum about liking yourself also.

Peace,

Tim

[StevenK]

Hey there my friend. I lived over 25 years with social anxiety and major depression, and i am on recovery now 3 months in, i had to obviously learn so much, and feeling happy now days.. feels very strange, there are several things that can effect it... or make you see things that way.. and i certainly hear you loud and clear..

i can only share my own experience. as everyone's experience is very different.. and i haven't lived in your shoes. But for me if you have had a self esteem where you have believed and lived nothing but self hatred, despair and depression, your mind begins to believe this. (ego) everyone takes in everything they hear see of feel as a kid, and as we develop and move through life.. we believe these beliefs are the be all and end all.

so when we manage to get the door open to the other side, it's not normal.. our experience memories, and feelings are that of our past..its easy to just feel pain.. and for me i lost my emotion's for decades..

also for me it was the fear of loosing that feeling...but the thing with happiness is.. and i believe most don't know it.. it does not come from things we aquire.. it comes from doing stuff that give us purpose, passion, and a sense of achievement.. and it could be as simple as taking a child or relative for ice cream.. if we constantly pursue stuff we (Love) doing then long term we begin to feel happy.. that can also be hobbies as well.

it can be a viscous cycle. But i admire you sharing... i feel the same thing sometimes.

[therising]

Hi roses123

You definitely pose an interesting thought, one which I can relate to for a couple of reasons.

Back in my years within depression, I can remember the feeling of 'not knowing exactly what to do with 'happiness''. I definitely loved it when it showed up occasionally but at the same time I was intensely cautious of it and couldn't fully revel in it. Basically, having dealt with the roller-coaster nature of depression for 15 years, 'What goes up must come down' became one of my mantras, with me almost resenting happiness for appearing as being a contributor to such a bumpy ride.

Also, may sound a bit weird but there were times during these years where I'd describe certain moments like being '(psychologically) curled up in the fetal position'. Even though depression was an intensely painful experience at times, it could also feel like a safe place in a really strange way (after all, it was the 'self' I was most familiar with). Leads me to think about how babies feel most comfortable with what they've known for many months (before they're born) but, as we know, the best place for them is out and into a whole new world. If only the birth out of depression was as natural a process.

Take care