Grumpy people- a mouse wheel

[white knight]

OK, I confess I'm grumpy. I've tried for many years to contain it without some success. So what leads to this? What can partners/family do to tolerate it? What can the grumpy bum do?

Grumpy old man syndrome is real. It can come from no longer having the capacity to tolerate many things life throws at us. This can include- young people, chores, mishaps and things other people have opinions about eg religion, politics and behaviour. This intolerance leads to less ability to make friends especially joining them on adventures or gatherings. A grumpy person can expect others to think like them and that isn't being flexible. Grumpiness can be increased through mentally health issues and medication.

Our partners suffer the most. From their perspective it's simple grumpiness and they resort to feeding the mouse wheel to keep your happy momentum going. A life of obligation is a life of fear. Reducing that fear is a grumpy person's obligation.

The responsibility is on the grumpy party to take a deep breath, accept that life includes hurdles and when issues happen ask yourself "what is the worse case senario"? If the dog got off the leash and doesn't bite people, the worse case is getting exercise catching it. But if your partner made error and let the dog escape, the worse scenario is to damage your relationship by blame, when that error is one many make including you. So grumpiness can be a form of hypocrisy and asking ones self "do I expect perfection? Isn't error normal"? Is to minimalise your expectations to contain it. Eventually change of mind set/attitude means you'll laugh at events you once lost lost your temper about. It's not only important this transformation from grumpy to laughter, it should be your goal.

Last week I slipped on spaghetti, a little my wife dropped and burst into laughter lying on the floor, then more laughter as our small dogs jumped on me (licking me with sauce) then my wife- stacks on the mill! Grumpiness is reducible.

Life includes errors, errors prove you are indeed human.

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony,

A thoughtful post as always. Recognising one’s own traits is something we can all benefit from. I loved your story about slipping on spaghetti and bursting into laughter and the dogs licking you. There is nothing like laughter for these situations.

Only yesterday I was opening a tub of pumpkin soup to heat up for lunch. I was struggling with the lid when it finally came off and soup exploded onto my clothes, shoes and the floor. I swore in frustration but found I then recovered quickly. In the past I would stay upset for longer. So my agitated feelings were, as you suggest, reducible. I’m learning to quell my reactions and recover quickly.

 I grew up in a household where the smallest thing would be blown out of proportion. A parent would completely lose it in a blind rage over the tiniest thing going wrong. I know this happened because they were riddled with untreated, unresolved past trauma and almost always at breaking point, so something that would be shrugged off and laughed at in other families would be reacted to as catastrophic.

So in my case, at least, I’ve had to learn to self-regulate when things go wrong. I sometimes feel like I’m only just coping and that’s when it’s hardest, but it’s like an adult self (different from the actual adults I grew up with) steps in, sees the funny side and clears up the mess.

So I sometimes feel like these strong emotional reactions are responses learned in childhood and can be unlearned. The mind fixates less on what seems to be wrong and can adapt to a solution which is often something that isn’t difficult. Those are just my thoughts that relate to me, but thought would share them in case they’re helpful to anyone else. Initially frustrating moments can become lighter, inducing laughter instead of grumpiness or distress.

 I miss living with dogs including their capacity to hoover up things spilt on the floor!

[white knight]

Hi ER

Yes, you got it all and your family with a history of knee jerking would have continued on the catastrophising with yourself let alone anxiety hitching a ride.

Similarly my family lived on edge with my older brother having diabetes type 1 and them days falling into a "turn" was common and the whole house was in hysteria. There was talk about ringing ambulances, blame, yelling and my silent cries no one knew about.

Our scars I've accepted will never vanish, our capacity to overcome them- impossible so mentally my view is to maximise my ability to "run with it" as if those scars are like my freckles.

Situations like the spaghetti trip, laughing aloud there is a small portion of "you're laughing but you really want to catastrophise it, blame someone else" echoing in my head. That's the scar.

Until I can open my bonnet and do self surgery that tune up will remain wanting.

Laughing, ignoring the family traits at the same time is ok. 

A puppy helps

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony,

I really felt for you and could relate to the statement...

...my silent cries no one knew about.

That is exactly how I felt. You are internalising all this drama as a child while at the same time no one is noticing what is happening for you. My heart goes out to you that you went through that.

I think it's true that the scars don't actually vanish. It's like they form into a kind of scar tissue and sometimes the scar re-opens a bit, and that's when we might find ourselves having strong emotional reactions. But we are only human and it is more than understandable that that happens.

I watched a video earlier today on YouTube where a woman was speaking about giving ourselves grace. I feel like that is so important but often hard to do when grace was not forthcoming when we were children. So I think you kind of learn grace from graceful others when you are older instead. Certain wise people have it and I think you can start to absorb that graceful energy and have some grace towards yourself.

Only this morning I was looking at dog rescue sites again. Yes, puppies help immensely!

Take care and all the best,

ER

[mmMekitty]

Hi Tony WK, ER & everyone

I was one of 9 kids, my father & (ex-)step-mother, from an early age, (maybe 5yr when my father married her). & we had animals too.

I felt I had very little control over anything, except when I figured out I could sing, & no-one could stop or take that away from me.

So, speed to now. & I think, I'm becoming a grumpy elder person. Let's not be sexist, eh, Tony WK, nor stereotype anyone including ourselves. I am aware when the mood is low, or if anxiety is high, the little things are as mountains. That's something I've recognised for a long time. Being tired also leaves me with a short fuse.

In such circumstances as those, I get very grumpy very quickly at the least thing going wrong, the least mistake I make, or when my phone or computer doesn't do what I need in the moment. When I am tired, I get to feeling like a toddler in need of a nap - I'm sure yu've seen how grumpy toddlers get when tired. Also I get grumpy when the weather is very hot &/or humid. I will begin to feel I can't stand it anymore until I get into a cool shower.

So, I know there are ways to deal with the grumpiness, when I want to. Most of the time it's about calming myself, stepping back & returning to the frustrating task later, or asking myself "is this really that big a deal?" & yes, finding some humour helps. Sometimes I will spend a bit of my grumpy energy venting some deeper anger (which doesn't have much of an outlet, unless it's by crying, which I'm still not happy about).

I have been living alone for many years, so now, I am sure, if I lived with even one other person I'd find that very difficult - their differences, & maybe even some similarities, I would find irritating or even intolerable.

What about compromise? I wonder, if in doing that, does anyone get what they want. It's a bit like going to court whre only the lawyers win.

Then I'd have to consider, what are the more important things to take seriously & what can I shrug & say, "live & let live"?

& of-course, getting older means I don't have all that much time for so many things to bother me. so what, again, is really important?

But I rather enjoy being grumpy - it gives me some motivation to tell people what I think & what I need, more easily than when I'm calm or nervous.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[white knight]

Hi E.R

Grace... amazing how one word can fit so precisely. 

[white knight]

Hi M.Kitty

I relate to the need to escape a situation eg your intolerance to heat and cold shower. That could mean we are "grumpy old persons". (M&F and other) 🙂

Escapism is an interesting topic to me in terms like- how some people escape others by seeking a hermit life, escape working with people (as I did becoming a P.I working alone or escaping the people by migration. 

Escape is an action that is more desirable than other forms of dealings like arguing, negotiation or tolerating the same old pledges. While battling to do these procedures we think "I just want to leave". I think behind that flight mentality is some grumpiness, we just can't be bothered anymore. 

There's certainly a lot of tolerance needed to live with someone. Compatibility becomes essential 

TonyWK