Grey Shadows

[guest_1242]

My mother sang Mozart's Cradle Song to me when I was small.

'Sleep now, my little boy, oh sleep.

Slowly the grey shadows creep...'

Even though it was written somewhere around 1700-1800', and it's always been quite ageless, and very soothing to me. To countless others as well I imagine.

Although I have a mind-blowing collection of co-morbid afflictions, my main 'problem child', the one that makes my body chemistry almost impossible to treat due to instability, is bipolar (type ii, super rapid cycler). I can cycle every couple of days, to 5 times a day, to once a month, and so forth, no pattern or apparent reason. Most often it's on the extreme rapid side though, a couple of times a day.

It's probably redundant to say on here that it changes your whole....everything. Body chemistry, mood, desires, goals, mental state etc . And it's almost never the same twice. People weren't designed for that, and like anything, if you bend something back and forth enough, eventually it breaks.

And I used to be optimistic. Even though the first two things drilled into me, oh so long ago, were 'You won't ever be "cured", don't live in hope of that', and 'You can't ever be how you were before. Your life can't. So accept your new dynamic and move on as best you can'.

And there have been some bad times, some really bad times. But there have also been...some almost not as bad times. I'm not sure I can make claim to good times. But I always stayed...if not optimistic, at least...( Apart from a few times...you know how it goes), at least_mostly_ steadfast.

I found lights somehow, and sometimes I learned to make my own, usually for others, and mostly, the darkness kept it's distance.

But now...

Now.. Mozart's Cradle Song is less comforting.

Because he's right , in a sinister way.

I've seen them...I _feel_ them.

It's getting harder to find the lights, and in my head Mozart's line becomes a haunting prophecy that rings over and over...

"Slowly the grey shadows creep."

.

Hi. I'm Guest, and I'm broken.

[therising]

Hi Guest

You write so beautifully and with so much clarity and pain. It is so easy to feel so deeply for you.

The following breaks my heart and I'm sure it has somewhat broken yours too, along the way, upon your journey toward greater self understanding: And I used to be optimistic. Even though the first two things drilled into me, oh so long ago, were 'You won't ever be "cured", don't live in hope of that', and 'You can't ever be how you were before. Your life can't. So accept your new dynamic and move on as best you can'. I recall during my years in depression being told by various people 'You may have this for the rest of your life'. The hopelessness such messages instill can be truly overwhelming leaving one with an automatic sense of defeat. I feel blessed to be able to have proved them wrong.

While I have never had to live with the incredibly exhausting challenges that come with bi-polar, I can relate to some degree to how the swings in depression and beyond it can leave one feeling full of self doubt. I look back these days at all the influences that led to the swings, with a lot of revelations. While few ever stepped up to passionately and actively raise me up, out of my depression, I managed much of it myself. The highs of having felt achievement often led to those who disapproved bringing me down again (judging, ridiculing but never really helping me manage to maintain the best in myself). I recall the moments where I felt life, truly felt it like a rush but no one ever cared to joint me on a high. Again, they just judged and observed and waited for me to hit the lows. I acknowledge the fact that they didn't know any better. How do you raise someone out of a depression; such knowledge is not common knowledge. Such a task is not easily achieved. All I think I ever wanted was for someone to say 'I know who you really are. I see the best in you and I see the enthusiasm that, at times, needs a touch of healthy grounding and guidance. I see the lows, where you long to feel excited, where you are filled with self doubt and self-resentment instead. I want you to know how amazing and inspirational you are, to be rising to the challenges that come in a world that doesn't respect your struggle as much as it truly should. I want you to know how possible it is to find your self, that self that is there among the confusion, desperation and frustration'. I give these words to you, these words I wish people had given to me, during my most challenging times.

🙂

[guest_1242]

Thanks therising, I appreciate the kind words.

Lesson #whatevernumber....don't type without your contacts/glasses. There were an embarrassing amount of typos in my post I couldn't even make out. (slight doubling effect on the letters when not wearing contacts etc).

The only one I would like to correct to you and any other reader, would be 'Guest', although variations on case, ie Guest, Guest, and so forth are ok. But also, just Guest is fine.

I appreciate your supportive words, I really do, and I wrote a ( perhaps overly long) reply, which I ended up cutting out and putting in my drafts for now. I'm not quite ready for that much disclosure.

I'll just leave this post by saying, I must have been arrogant when younger, as I didn't really need the uplift that you mention. I always felt my opinion of myself was worth more than that of someone who didn't know me as well as I knew myself.

It's not what others think about you, only the extent to which you believe it.

Talk soon.

[guest_1242]

So, awake now for about 96 hours straight. No naps, lying down, hardly even sitting down.

Usually I'm hallucinating by now, but I seem to be still going steady. Apart from the large amount of physical pain in almost every part of my body, and a pounding headache. Fairly par for the course.

Surely I'm going to have to crash soon, based on experience anyway, seeing how this happens approx. once a week.

Please let me crash.