Frozen - stuck - just not in touch

[james1]

Hello, I apologise if this doesn't make much sense. I've not been posting much because I've been struggling to work out what I'm struggling with. And after a couple of weeks (or days? time passes in a funny way now), I'm half a step closer to figuring it out.

So I feel like I'm frozen in some sort of bubble. What I mean by that is nothing I do seems to affect anyone outside of me. I don't really work while at work, and no one seems to notice. I don't talk to friends, and they don't talk to me back. Even when I try to break the isolation a bit, it's like I'm not really reaching anybody. Even if I try to think about myself, I get stuck so I'm not even in touch with myself.

I am more venting than anything. I had a psychologist appointment on Saturday and we're now meeting twice a week. I shut down completely in my last appointment - involuntarily. My mind just wouldn't let me think or talk when we started getting close to something that must've been...hard. But the trouble is I don't actually remember what it was anymore. I know I need to keep going to each appointment and I genuinely look forward to them...but I'm quite tired now.

I've tried ways of grounding myself but they only help me feel connected to the physical environment. Not other people's minds and emotions, and I need that.

James

[White_Rose]

Dear James

I just stumbled on this post. I must have written here before because it came up in my posts. You have described me here, well except for The urges to drink, , take drug, shop, smoke. Are not my thing but I feel as lost as you describe. Thank you for saying these things because I need someone to tell me as I am doing very badly as well. Tired, desperately hurt and betrayed, very unwilling to do anything And very, VERY, empty.

Do you find writing on BB is helpful? I know I do because I can put aside my problems and concentrate on others and that gives me the will to go on.

Mary

[james1]

Hello Mary,

Thank you for your reply. It is comforting to know I am not alone. I suppose we always know that in the back of our minds, but having it brought to the front does make things a bit easier to tolerate.

Like you, I also do find writing on BB helpful as it helps me focus on someone other than myself. It does mean I have to stop posting on certain threads or types of threads, but that's okay. There is a good community here.

I will be okay. Hope you are travelling along best you can as well.

James

[Croix]

Dear James~

No, you are not alone, in the same way as your words reach out to others, so fresh words come to you, not instant fixes, but hopefully with warmth.

It's so hard when the pendulum swings you down and fear, exhaustion and discouragement loom up, familiar friends. By now though you are skilled in handling your thoughts, even if they might seem to belong to another.

You are skilled in handling others' tragedies, as you proved again today.

How is your rabbit? A simple set of necessities, protection, food, water, and someone to look after him/her. You necessities -ie tablets- have you remembered to take them on time? Excuse me for asking but I do remember your saying it was not one of your strong points. Taking them may have the additional benefit of reminding yourself you are in control of that at least.

I'm not as deep as you - something I'm a little jealous of when reading some of your posts, so cannot plunge to the heart of your current feelings, but I've felt the full gamut of experiences and would use that to lift you if I can. In my case the fact it is all familiar territory helps.

As does distraction. Writing?

As I know you realize it does get better

Croix

[james1]

Hello Croix,

THanks for replying.

The rabbit has developed a strange personality. He likes to lick the carpet, pants, wood and also likes to suck on my jumpers. He also flops up against walls and the feet of chairs. I stood up on my toes and he decided to flop under my heels, so I got a bit of a surprise.

No, I stopped taking them to be honest. My moods were too cyclical and I just never found them useful for me. I actually found by taking them, it felt more like my 'personality disorder' was in control of me. I prefer just to manage my ups and downs by riding them out with my psych. It's more costly, but at least I get to do what I want.

Oh I got an idea last week for a story about someone who creates stories and worlds but gets lost in them. I'd like to do it in a non-sci fi and non-fantasy way, but basically have those stories bleed into his reality. It'd just be a plot device to explore something else about his character I think. It's an idea. I don't know how it'll work and I need to find a place to start.

Writing that last paragraph about my story actually helped. Thanks for the prompt.

James

[Croix]

Dear James~

This is not a plot device I've often seen, 'portal novels' are common, but not where created by an author inside the story. Perhaps The Winter Sea by Susanna Kearsley mixes writer and 'fact' and also the Good Magician Humphrey in Piers Antony's Xanth series. Unfortunately neither really comes close to what I think you intend.

Interestingly the episode "The Abominable Bride" in the recent TV series Sherlock has the main character create an imaginary world in which to solve problems - and nearly gets stuck.

Croix writes:"Croix finishes post and exits"

Croix

[james1]

Oh I love the show Sherlock! I have only watched the first two episodes. I will have to keep watching it seems. Hmm, I've never read those ones but I'll see what the synopses say.

If you've never seen the movie Stranger Than Fiction, it's about an author and a man, and as the author writes, the man's life is played out. But I want to do it so that it's intentional, rather than accidental. Anyway, the movie's quite good.

Thanks!

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Sorry it has taken me ages to reply! Have you been feeling any better?

I don't really understand what your MI is like but it made me so bloody proud of you to see how even though you wrote you felt so empty you just had to wait it out. That is strength James.

Has the worst passed or are you struggling? I like the idea of your story within a story. Did you manage to work on this at all?

Anyway just wanted to check on you and make sure you are alright.

Nat

[Croix]

Dear James~

I hope thinking about that plot device has distracted you a bit, when I'm down any distraction is a blessing.

Actually I was thinking about your idea, if the author gets to write the scenario he is in then I'd have thought he'd just write himself a pretty good existence, and that would be that. How did you plan on getting around that problem?

Hope that rabbit is behaving and not underfoot.

Croix

[james1]

Hello guys,

I appreciate the check-in. Sorry, will have to dodge some questions, at least just for now. I do appreciate your asking though.

About my story, I bought some butcher's paper the other day and stuck them up on my bedroom wardrobe. I put a line down which, in some form, will be the opening:

"I was born two hundred and seventeen years ago and I want to tell you about how I died tomorrow."

Mark - that's something I've been pondering too. Short answer is that, yes, he will do that. But I think people get bored of blissful lives. We also ask, "what if?", and so while he's the author of his story, he's also a participant. He writes his story just as much as it writes him (i.e. he lives it, and it changes according to his subconscious). So I think while, initially, we would actively write out our story...eventually we live it.

There's a rom-com called "Ruby Sparks" and the author writes a girlfriend to life. At first, he gets really into it and writes her exactly as he wants (but can never quite get it right), but at some point he tries to actually make a life with this person. I suppose the point there is that we don't know what we want, but we always are looking for something real.

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Dodge away 😊 just remember when or if you feel like talking we are here.

Wow. Ok I need to read this story. So please write it! If I saw that opening on a blurb I'd have to pick that book and devour it. So no pressure or anything hey 😊.