Feeling helpless

Kate88 · ‎17-09-2017

I'm isolated pretty much 24/7, still live at home with my parents. One has PTSD the other has depression, so it's rarely a happy household. My dad has nit picked at me for as long as I can remember. Now my brother who is a drug addict has moved back in. I told my family how angry I was that he was moving back in and they just jumped down my throat and got angry at me. When the reason I felt angry was because I know how much stress it will put on everyone and because I so badly want some happiness within the household. I have no job as I have chronic fatigue, any friends I make I seem to end up losing. I've tried getting a job suitable for me but with no success, then I started to get more migraines and was diagnosed with costochrondritis. I feel like no matter what I do, something is always there holding me back. I feel like the only friends I have left don't want to be around me. I've thought about possibly moving out into a sharehouse or something but I can't imagine anyone would want to live with someone like me.

I'm on medication and I've seen my doctor about it but she isn't much help anymore. I'm tired of feeling depressed, lonely, I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of always being in my own head, listening to the negative thoughts over and over again. I'm tired of seeing how unhappy people in my family are and I'm somehow expected to feel happy regardless of it all. Now I'm concerned my brother will take his life and there's nothing I can do about it. And it's hard because I know how he feels deep down. I feel like it's just a matter of time that someone in my family will take their own life, I just don't know who it'll be. Maybe it'll be me.

I'm so tired of feeling worthless, feeling like I'm incapable of such simple things. I'm tired of people putting me down. I'm tired of the counselling appointments, the medication changes, the side effects. I'm tired of not getting anywhere. And instead I just suffer. I don't know where to go from here but disappearing definitely looks more appealing than anything else right now. Decided I'll just stay away from the only friends I do have, I don't feel like they want to be around me anyway and I don't want to bring them down. I also don't want them to only hangout with me because they feel bad.

I've had enough. I'm so over my life and I don't see anyway out.

Starwolf · ‎18-09-2017

Hi Kate, a warm welcome to you.

Well done for reaching out. This is a safe space to connect, share or just let steam off. Navigating the forums will help make you feel less isolated. Here you will be heard and understood.

I am sorry to read you feel trapped in a vicious circle of pain and despair. Living in a toxic environment just aggravates an already difficult situation. Would moving in share accommodation where housemates are at work during the day give you enough alone time not to feel pressured ?

If you are unhappy with your doctor, perhaps looking for another you can connect and work with would help you move on. A different approach to doctor/patient relationship and treatment may be beneficial.

Your safety is the priority so please do not hesitate to call a helpline if you are overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts. Struggling alone with those is too difficult. It is also unnecessary. Talking with someone who cares and understands can make a huge difference, particularly when you feel isolated from those around you.

Is cutting yourself off from your only friends a solution ? Have they given you indications that they resent your company ? Or is it you who feel you are not worthy of it ? Shunning contact with others only reinforces the belief that you are unlovable.

I agree that mental illness is difficult to make sense of for sufferers, even more so for those who glimpse it from the outside.

You can access helpful tips on discussing mental conditions by copying this link into your browser :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it#findwords

It may help give your friends better understanding of what you are up against. They would then feel less out of their depth when it comes to giving adequate support.

Please feel free to continue to post as much and as often as you like. We'd love to get to know you a little better.

We're here for you.

demonblaster · ‎19-09-2017

Hi Kate 🙂

Good on you coming here and talking, it can be a good release and is a great place to vent without judgement

So sorry you have so much grief in your life.
I think it might add to your stress and loneliness if you avoid your friends, wondering if you think you could talk to them and Star has put a link up for you to suss which could make it easier all round.

Certainly doesn't sound like you're in a healthy enviroment at home, maybe a share house could be an option.

I don't know how this works elsewhere but I've finally gotten onto an off shoot of mental health that come and visit but they're flexible and you can talk, go for a drive, they can help ya shop etc.... and we're having fortnightly bbq's and looking at starting a weekly walking outing to be amongst others and esp in similar situations with mental health. I got onto them through mental health. Could be an option for you to get more support, I know you're tired and pretty much over everything but darl don't give up on yourself, there is better than this, looks like a few changes are needed to achieve.

Hun I'm in and out here but do come back and hope you do too to tell us how you're going,we do care and want to know.

Really would like to see things change for the better for you

geoff · ‎19-09-2017

hello Kate, I'm also pleased that you have reached out to us, but in a nutshell you have to look after yourself first and foremost, what your brother does is not a problem you need to add to your worries, and I say this with care for him, but being addicted to drugs is a choice he has made.
You are not going to be happy staying at home with all that's going on, and you need to think about moving out, it maybe a scary thought but once you have got rid of what's happening at home then you will feel better.
Being at home is going to make you feel worthless, that's what we don't want and the longer you stay there the worse it will become, this is why nothing seems to be working, counselling, medication and respect, because as soon as you leave the counsellor it's back to where all your problems are, so that's not giving you a chance to move on.
You're fighting a bull with a squash racket, you won't be able to feel better while you're at home, with your brother and then your father picking on you, you have to look after yourself now. Geoff

Soreeyes · ‎20-09-2017

Hi Kate, I know how you feel. I too suffer from chronic fatigue, I've had it for years but it's still undiagnosed. I've a specialist clinic appointment tomorrow. I too, can't work, find it hard to stay awake for very long before I have to rest/sleep again. I want my old life back too. I just have very little energy for anything. I also suffer from mental health issues, it's all one big mess. You are definitely not alone. If I were your friend, I wouldn't leave you on your own. There are people who care!

demonblaster · ‎21-09-2017

Hi Sore, very good name 🙂

Welcome, yeah I nursed yrs ago a young chooky with CF and the poor chook was doubted a LOT and I thought nah that's not good, something serious was going on but shame moved on and don't know how she got on but all symptoms were looking that way and same as what you just said too.

Nasty state to have to deal with for yous, does any treatment help?

Forest_Critter · ‎21-09-2017

Hey Kate.

It's so good that you've taken this time to open up to us. I'll do my best for advice, but regardless, I hope you feel like you can reply back even just to express yourself more. I (and your other friends here: DemonB, Sore, and Geoff) are here for you and care about what you have to say, and want you to express how you feel, in a safe space like this.

Getting onto it: the negative affection in your life likely fosters an environment which promotes stress, anxiety, and more-so depression. My perspective is that, and as our friends have also said, that the treatment from a GP, or psychologist, is difficult to act on and fulfill in such an environment. Practicing positive thought responses, and rehearsing emotionally-resolute behaviour is incredibly difficult in a place that makes you feel pressured, not cared for, and helpless.

In the long-term, I think the environment has to change. However in the short-term, hopefully a psychologist will be able to understand that the place you come from, and return to, is a hindrance on mental health recovery. Frequent sessions, and small steps, then, might be the short-term goal. Sometimes when we're in a bad place, we imagine the solution to be that we are suddenly the opposite of who were are, and that opposite person can cope. This leads us to thinking that we must be cured to be able to respond, and cope with what is keeping us down. It also places a huge burden of needing to recover quickly, as our problems don't go away.

However, our health, like the problems in our environment, don't go away immediately. Progress will be found step by step, and as we find progression (which is sometimes challenging, but at others great relief), this burden lessens, and coping becomes a much more real possibility for who we are right now.

I believe very strongly that the person you are now, is the person that will overcome your health issues. We're here to support you (although I strongly recommend a psychologist who understands this too).

Hope to hear from you soon Kate.

- FC