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I dont have a personality.

JmOnEy
Community Member

Lets get into it then:

Over the past month ive had to face some extremely hard truths about myself and my mental health as a part of trying to move forward and better my quality of life.

1) I dont find a SINGLE thing funny anymore - jokes, TV, Movies, social gstherings etc.

2) connected to the above, I find myself fake lauging at everything - to the point where my face and throat hurts.

3) I am a perfect chameleon. Im able to blend into any kind of sub culture I am currently around. But nothing feels natural.

4) I lack symapthy and empathy for most people apart from family. Infact emotion has become extremely vacant for me as a whole.

Countless times I have been to a doctor. And countless times its just resulted in nothing - you know the drill "heres some SSRIs and see me in a month" - the follow up just results in an increased dose that makes me angry and impotent (not joking).

Basically long story short i have a complete apathy for life and its growing worse and worse. I just dont know what to do. Is this what real life is??

4 Replies 4

swtpotato
Community Member

Hi JmOnEy,

First welcome to the forums where you will definitely be able to find some like-minded apathetic buddies..,

So I was exactly like this a couple of months ago for a long time. Maybe around a year or so, not the same kind of apathy or depression, but basically yes what you have said.

It's weird, it's boring, it's extremely isolating, it's painful, and there never seems like there's anything to do about it at the time. It's all the same. The empathy thing especially is frightening, as it seems like such a clear mark of a 'good' human. But it is all from the cloud of depression. You have all of these things, you have a personality, you have empathy, you are a full perfectly ordinary human being, just atm you have a mental illness. It is not your fault, you do not need to be more than you can be right now.

I am on AD's and it is starting to lift for me, suddenly I've been reacting to things genuinely as I know what I want, what I like. I feel like a person? So strange. But I had been completely convinced that I was an empty shell, and that my whole life I'd basically been pretending to be a person. That narrative has disappeared, replaced by normality (well almost). This is to say I have been there, never thought I would get through it, but now I am.

How long has it felt like this? Did you have other mental health struggles besides apathy before this?

Also have you seen a psychiatrist, that you trust ? Support from friends/family?

I am glad you have been seeking treatment, and I hope you will continue to do so. It can take a while to find the right medication. Are you seeing a therapist?

I might leave it there for now, but hope to talk soon.

- m

Sad_Puppy_Dog
Community Member

Hi JmOnEy,

If your family are the only ones you feel that closeness and emotion for, how is it with them? Can you talk to them about how things are for you?

If you feel that apathy for other people, what about animals? Do you feel a kinship to them? With exceptions, I often have finding myself preferring the company of animals over people. I wouldn't suggest to take on a pet because that might be too big a leap to ask for BUT, what about volunteering at an animal shelter? I personally have not been for awhile (And need to return if I could control my depression better) however, I have been volunteering at an RSPCA shelter and the tasks you're asked to do are pretty low key. Sometimes there might be kennel/cage cleaning, removing waste and feeding but most of the time is spent giving TLC to cats, kittens, puppies and dogs, just patting, cuddling and playing with them. Would that be a suggestion to consider, as a way of connecting with other beings?

Forest_Critter
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey JmOnEy,

Really glad you've come to the forum to open up a little bit about yourself. As both Sad Puppy Dog and swtpotato have said, the place you feel you are in resembles an empty, tasteless frustration for the state of things. Confusion is one of the most enduring frustrations someone can go through. However, I think you've already done something good for yourself by coming here. I have suffered episodes of depression at times, while being completely disconnected at others. At one time I was uncontrollably sad and irrational; at others, I begged myself for the chance to find emotions difficult again, whether it be suppressing anger for something in politics, or laughing at the most inappropriate joke.

I wouldn't want to assume more about you than you would have us know. Still, I think your care for your family is genuine, and what you feel is dragging you down to a place you don't understand, may be threatening what remains as a love for those closest to you. The progress that is made in mental health recovery, with emotions especially, does not occur overnight, but gradually with small steps, some set us back, some propel us forward.

To me, you are not apathetic, and what you fear will not consume you. Finding someone, or several people, that you trust and open up to, is an important step. Your family and closest friends may in fact already be what you need. Strengthening the trust with these people creates a structure from which you can take further steps, and always be there if your progress is difficult. Repeatedly being disappointed by doctors could be one of these drawbacks. However, I'm (and your other friends here) are sure the right help is there, through a therapist or counselor, for when you're ready for that step.

We are here as well! You've already made a start by introducing yourself.

Hope to hear from you soon JmOnEy.

- FC

Guest_128
Community Member

Dude,

That has made my day,

I keep flicking past your thread,then I said f it,I'll read it.

Well excuse me, I laughed and laughed, you rock dude.

Welcome to the club.

Dory