Clinical depression

James76 · ‎19-09-2017

Hi,

I'm 41 and having the worst year of my life.

My Dad passed away 11 months ago after since that event I went on a downward spiral into clinical depression and anxiety. It got so bad that I was hospitalised.

I had 12 treatments of ECT and discharged. I'm still battling depression and get angry and teary at times. My girlfriend has left me recently and I am feeling lost.

I am religious and feel I'm being punished by a higher power for a relationship I had with a married woman 16 years ago.

I regret a lot about my life and want a fresh start but am anxious about taking the next step. I feel I have wasted so many opportunities in my life and I've left things too late.

I am going to the gym and practising mindfulness but now it's school holidays (I'm a teacher) I begin ruminating and beginning the "What ifs".

Thanks for reading.

KristenK · ‎19-09-2017

Hi James,

I'm new here, and you're the first person i'm talking to.

Even though there are a lot of people on here (myself included) that are feeling how you're feeling, I can't help but feel moved...sad..when I read your post.

I am not a healthcare professional and can't give you the advice that I wish I could. So for that, I am sorry.

But I just want you to know, that you should not feel like you are being punished...FOR ANYTHING.

It is only recently that I have come to realise I shouldn't regret the things I did in my life that didn't turn out how I wanted them too. There's nothing that I can do about that now - and god knows I have made a huge array of mistakes and been involved with numerous wrong crowds getting me into terrible situations. I keep telling myself that I CAN move forward and I CAN now choose the correct path to get me to a better place, mentally and physically. It's so difficult, it's not an easy thing to tackle. But it sounds like you're making a great start. I have just started to go to the gym and have even downloaded some mindfulness/yoga apps for my phone just to see if they will help.

The 'what ifs' will always plague you - as they do me. I always feel like they're a shadow just hanging over me, reminding me that I could have done better somewhere along the way. I keep trying to tell myself to not think about the what ifs, that its too late to do anything about that now.

It's never too late to take up new opportunities and really grasp life and take full control.

I've realised i'm pretty good at giving other people advice and not really heeding it myself. Just don't give up, there's still so much out there.

kanga_brumby · ‎19-09-2017

Welcome James thanks for posting personally I believe the god I know would say about the affair with the married person is "go and sin no more." He is not a vengeful god, a forgiving god. As for your depression well you had a good reason to feel, depressed. Hey you lost your farther I know what that feels like. As I have lost both of my parents and I was close to both of them. Plus only about a year before I loosed my farther I lost my wife so I know a little of depression. I am always fighting the demon called depression he is a mean old cuss. I think if you kept exercising and practiced being mindful more you can beat it. I am still trying I have not given up. So in excersize speak spot me. you help me and I help you .

Kanga

James76 · ‎19-09-2017

Thank you Kristen,

I appreciate your kind words and advice.

I am finding it hard to accept God's forgiveness as I've been told I'm too hard on myself.

I will continue to work on moving forward.

geoff · ‎20-09-2017

hello James, it's awful when you feel like this and I'm sorry you do.
I'm not a doctor or a psychologist but if I was you I would say 'no more ECT' 12 sessions to me seems an awful amount, again I'm not qualified to say, but if you were my brother then that's exactly what I'd be telling him, because if it hasn't done anything then is it going to.
I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your Dad, there can never be a right time for anyone to pass away, and it doesn't matter whether it's suddenly or over a long period, the effect it has is terrible.
To me there is nothing higher that will determine whether or not you have depression, and I mean no harm to you in saying this, but what happened 16 years ago was probably done on the spur of the moment, and it might not have been you who started this, but drawn in by her, so then it wouldn't have been your fault.
You won't find any answers by asking yourself 'what if' all it will do is create more unanswered questions, and these lost opportunities are because it's all too confusing.
Holidays are approaching so try and make a plan, what I'm concerned about is that there is no mention of seeing a psychologist or whether you are taking any antidepressants (AD). Geoff.

James76 · ‎20-09-2017

Thanks Geoff,

I appreciate your kind words. Yes I am seeing a Pschologist and am on anti-depressants. I know I have to be kinder to myself and take it one day at a time.

geoff · ‎21-09-2017

hi James, thanks for getting back to us.
Taking it one day at a time is probably the best way to help yourself, but what it actually means is that you cope with that day's activities and not stray or wonder ahead a day or 2 days in front of you, because once you do this then you're back to square one.
Remember if you feel that your AD's have stopped working or hasn't started to work after a couple of months, then go back to your doctor and have them reviewed. Geoff.