I should probably preface this by saying that late November I lost my best friend to a new relationship with a partner that seems possessive, and stop there, because my open opinions on her would get this post blocked.
Feel free to call me Bel or Sam. They/them pronouns are fine.
Three days ago is when it started. Out of the blue, I was listening to a song that reminded me of the events, and I brushed it off as a coincidence. It still felt kind of bad to have the thought/memory of losing a friend of seven years, but I figured, if he's happy, it's worth it. I'd assume he's happy, because he hasn't contacted me about him breaking it off with her.
Yesterday wasn't as good. I could feel my mood slipping, slowly but surely. Like holding onto a weight that's just a little too heavy. I was reading through Tearjerker tropes (it's a hobby) and thinking that I could relate to people's experiences in video games (which is/was my main escape). The voice in your head that's the harsh truth -- can be helpful, can be hurtful -- bluntly made me remember that no, I can't. It's a long, long story. I ended that night in a depressive low I haven't been in for almost five years, then drinking myself back to happiness. Bed at 3:45 am.
Then I woke up this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept another three hours, woke up, couldn't get back to sleep, stayed for half an hour before moving to Google to find anything that might help. I figured I may as well make an account here, so here I am, pouring out my feelings (or lack of) in the hope anyone can help.
I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink. Saying I don't want to do anything is probably frustrating to hear, but it's true. I haven't been to a psych in thirteen years, haven't been on meds for ten. I don't want to start either again.
I don't know where I'm going or what I'm looking for, in this post or in general. I honestly don't know if there's anything to do or any place to go.
