From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

[Berrelam]

I should probably preface this by saying that late November I lost my best friend to a new relationship with a partner that seems possessive, and stop there, because my open opinions on her would get this post blocked.

Feel free to call me Bel or Sam. They/them pronouns are fine.

Three days ago is when it started. Out of the blue, I was listening to a song that reminded me of the events, and I brushed it off as a coincidence. It still felt kind of bad to have the thought/memory of losing a friend of seven years, but I figured, if he's happy, it's worth it. I'd assume he's happy, because he hasn't contacted me about him breaking it off with her.

Yesterday wasn't as good. I could feel my mood slipping, slowly but surely. Like holding onto a weight that's just a little too heavy. I was reading through Tearjerker tropes (it's a hobby) and thinking that I could relate to people's experiences in video games (which is/was my main escape). The voice in your head that's the harsh truth -- can be helpful, can be hurtful -- bluntly made me remember that no, I can't. It's a long, long story. I ended that night in a depressive low I haven't been in for almost five years, then drinking myself back to happiness. Bed at 3:45 am.

Then I woke up this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept another three hours, woke up, couldn't get back to sleep, stayed for half an hour before moving to Google to find anything that might help. I figured I may as well make an account here, so here I am, pouring out my feelings (or lack of) in the hope anyone can help.

I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink. Saying I don't want to do anything is probably frustrating to hear, but it's true. I haven't been to a psych in thirteen years, haven't been on meds for ten. I don't want to start either again.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm looking for, in this post or in general. I honestly don't know if there's anything to do or any place to go.

[Gazzas]

Hi James,

Thanks for sharing your advice.

My doctor has prescribed an anti-depressant and referred me to a psychologist but I haven't been yet. I've never been to one before. I think I would find it difficult as well if I couldn't trust. After so many failures I have now resigned myself to getting help but I'm scared. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD by a professional I just think that's what I have.

What do you think all the self degradation is about?

Bel I hope you are feeling better.

[Gazzas]

Hi James,

Thanks for the advice. My doctor prescribed medication and referred me to a psychologist but I haven't been yet. I was thinking of going to one of the Grow support groups. This is all kind of scary. I never did anything like this before.

[james1]

Hey Gazzas,

Yeah the trust issue is so tricky. When you don't trust the only people who can help...the best you can do is just try to give them a shot and if it's not working after a few sessions, find someone else. I'd say a good 75% of it comes down to how you work with them, and not whether they themselves are any good.

I'd say professional diagnosis is kind of useless to be honest. I mean, as you probably know, BPD diagnosis means having 5 of the 9 symptoms. But that seems quite arbitrary to say that someone with 4 symptoms doesn't have BPD.

So typically you'll find therapy isn't actually "for BPD", it's actually more to help alleviate the symptoms themselves. Emotion regulation, understanding, building trust...these are the actual things you learn in therapy. Not how to get better from BPD.

The self degredation...geez, that probably varies from person to person. In my case, it has to do with the fact that in my childhood, no one ever payed attention to my feelings because we had a really dysfunctional family. But importantly, I couldn't pay attention to it either because people would take their anger out on me so I thought I "failed" a lot. I guess when you internalise a lot of the responsibility over things as well, that can mean that if things go wrong, and the black/white thinking means a little blip is catastrophic, it's all your fault and you're a failure. So it's probably got its roots in a few areas. Do you think you do something similar or different?

I was looking at the Grow support groups around Sydney. I still haven't been to one yet. To be honest, I'm terrified, skeptical and part of me doesn't want to get better. I don't know. I guess I'm afraid that people will leave me when I get better, whether because they realise that there's nothing here anyway, or that I just become boring if I'm not sick.

So yeah. Very scary!

James

[Gazzas]

Hey James,

I have the same belief as you about the self-degradation. Your childhood sounds similar to mine. I felt ignored by my parents, I was controlled by my older brother. My family was/is messed up. My parents divorced when I was a teenager. Things are different with my parents now. I talk to them, but the damage from back then was already done. Like you I believe I was trained to think this way. I was chastised for having my own personality often with violence, and anyone I looked to for help dismissed me. Fair or not I felt like my parents just let it happen. I have that feeling I don't deserve the same respect or consideration I afford others. I assume things are my responsibility too. It's a self destructive kind of selfishness, volunteering to absorb the negative and rejecting the positive because it just doesn't feel right. Everything you're saying I can relate to. When I look back it makes sense, I just wish I could change it.

Do you know anything about hypnotherapy? I read a reference to it in a book which made me curious, but it sounded really dangerous if you aren't sure you can trust the person doing it.

Having lived with this for all these years with no help I think I can safely say, you do want to get better as do I, even if better just means understanding. I don't think you want to go down the road of giving up- that is darkness. I can also say I think that age helps a little bit with this stuff, and you are still in your 20s(correct?) getting help, gaining understanding and trying to improve. That seems really hopeful to me. Remember other people have their own problems too. I remember telling a friend a long time ago about my problems and he told me "You know I'm not perfect". It must have come across that assumption I had that everyone was OK except me.

Do your friends appreciate you? Why would they stick with you now and only leave you if you get better? One more thing: Think about the people you are helping. Your ability to overcome these problems is an inspiration to others. You're helping me right now.

[james1]

Hey Gazzas,

Oh I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. Sounds all too familiar. My parents finally got divorced last year but they were always at it from my earliest memory and the only thing keeping them together was the fact that I wanted them to stay and fix things. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but hey, hard not to when you get blamed for a lot of other things eh? 😛

I love what you said about "rejecting the positive because it just doesn't feel right". I cannot take positive acknowledgement from anyone. I don't know what to do. I just nod. I can't even deny it. I hate how I respond to any positive feedback and I keep telling myself afterwards, "Just say thank you and move on", because that's what you're supposed to do. But I just freeze up every time someone says something nice and...yeah. I just feel like an idiot haha.

I've only heard about it but never looked into it. Do you remember the book? It sounds like you're curious about it, but maybe only on an intellectual level? To see how it works?

Yes, I'd love to get better whatever that means. But I suppose my hesitation is that maybe I won't get better, or I won't get 100% better and I'll be stuck half way which would be super disappointing. I don't think anyone ever wants to give up, but sometimes it can look like the only option and that's a very sad place to be.

I totally get your story about your friend. I suppose it's just a mark of how much pain you're in that you can become quite...insular (is that the best way to describe it?). For example, i'm always thinking about how other people are going to react and I really want others to be better...but the more I think about it, the more I realise I want others to be better so that they like me and wont' leave. And a lot of the time, they're not even going to leave, but I'm just freaking out and caught up in my own worries.

Thank you. I think you said you're in your thirties now? If it's any consolation, I heard the symptoms subside a bit the older we get. I'm still skeptical of whether they subside or people just figure out better ways to cope, but you sound quite level-headed which always helps to avoid the pits, even if the struggle is still very super difficult and painful. So by no means do I think it's any easier for you, but I'm hopeful that you won't be rejecting help either.

James

[Gazzas]

Hey James,

Well I am more depressed now than ever, but I maybe it could have been different if I had looked for proper help before. I hate myself when I speak so I don't want to have to replay listening to myself in my head. You say you feel like an idiot for the way you respond and I know how that is, but the worst part is replaying that stuff in your head. So I tried to stop talking, I became insular yes, isolated myself and became an alcoholic as well. And some things happened recently that have really pushed me to the edge of despair. So there has been a kind of chain of events, but if I try to isolate only the BPD stuff I *think* it's a bit better now than it was. It's just that I messed myself up in other ways, and I was ignorant to what was happening.

The book is called 'Easy Way To Stop Smoking'. The author claims he went to a hypnotherapist and when he left he didn't want to smoke any more. It was the power of suggestion or something. There is some stuff in there about being be freed from something that has power over and the subconscious mind.

I can be very critical of others as well. I'll have to think about what you said that it comes back to those selfish insecurities. Do you get butterflies in you stomach every morning when you have to go out in public?

[james1]

Hey Gazzas,

Past regrets are so hard to deal with. And replaying things sucks. I always do that too. And I think the more I do it, the more I start putting words into people's mouths and start attributing meaning to all the words which they may not have even intended.

I think isolating is one of those things that is so easy for us to trick ourselves into wanting. When having to deal with people causes so much pain, isn't it better to just hide away? But I think the truth is that is just our defence mechanism kicking into overdrive. It's not about hiding, but simply finding the right people to be around. But that's easier said than done. Do you have any close friends you feel comfortable around and telling them everything?

Mhmm...it sounds interesting but probably not something I'd want to do. I just...I don't know. I don't like the idea.

Umm, not necessarily. But I tend to put on music when I go outside and I just try to listen to the music. I listen to the same few songs on repeat. I get super anxious when I have to meet new people and talk to them. Or if there are big groups. Or if I'm meeting friends who I haven't seen in a while. I guess it's because I start to stress out about what I need to do or who I need to be.

James

[Berrelam]

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't replied in a while, some things went down in a pretty huge way, and my stress levels kind of exploded. On the upside (?) it wasn't BPD-related, so feel like I came down a lot faster than I would have otherwise. Reading through your back-and-forth, I can feel a lot of what I've felt over the years, and even recently, especially with not being able to handle positive feedback (art is an exception here, I can listen to people praise that forever), and having anxiety meeting new people.

I also remembered a quote, though the person in question may have been quoting someone else -- it was something like 'at our core, we're only wanting to survive, whatever it takes. BPD is just a really exaggerated form of that.'

There was also a few examples of BPD-afflicted doing things that seemed manipulative, or excessive, but in their minds, it was justifiable and the only way that they knew to act. It's... I don't know if conditioning is the right word... but if we find a way to avoid hurt, we'll do it instinctively, and if something causes us pain, we'll do our best to avoid it. I think that may actually be a large part of the flare-ups both I and many others have -- we can't avoid our triggers, because they're family, people we work with, or events that happen on a daily or so basis.

There's also -- and this may be off topic -- childhood dreams hat we were never able to accomplish, or were pushed away from, that are touchy subjects. For example, I wanted to be a writer, artist and/or game designer; I was pushed away from all three and told to pursue a 'real career', but fought against it and pursued art anyway. I still write from time to time, but game design hasn't had much going for it. Those aside, and more on the 'real career' path, I'd love to become a psychologist. Going through what I have, and knowing how it affects people... no one should be alone going through this.

[james1]

Hey Bel,

No problem. Sorry to hear about how things turned out especially about the stress. That's always horrible.

That's a good quote. I've noticed so many things about me and what I do are just automatic defence mechanisms to stop being hurt. Ironically that usually causes me even more pain. I guess that's what you're calling conditioning?

I heard another description which I quite liked - it was from a poem about seasons changing originally but I took it about being stuck in my mind - "the waiting room of the world".

Ah geez. Those dreams...yeah, I hear you on that for sure. I've had so many and just never been able to do them whether because I was pushed away from them by others, or by what I thought would please people/society.

Stuck is a very good term to describe it! I hope you are better than before.

[Gazzas]

Hi Bel,

What sort of art do you do and what is your experience with game making? I ask because I'm also interested in this and have done some but find it difficult to stay motivated. I suspect teaming up with people would make it easier but would be interested to hear what your experience is.